Voting

Today Scotland decides on its future and the people of Scotland have to answer with a yes or a no one question: Should Scotland be an independent country? Even something as momentous as this in my own country would normally be ignored by me. In fact until the last 2 or 3 weeks it have completely passed me by. I had no interest in it. Even something this big held nothing for me.

I am approaching my 43rd birthday and I have never voted. I haven't always been agoraphobic. I just never wished to vote. Politics is not something I have needed in my life. My choice has always been not to vote. My own opinion is that politicians annoy me too much to vote. In my mind politics is not about the truth but about lies and spin. The best spinners and liars make the best politicians- images in my head of Jeremy Paxman asking: a simple yes or no. No one going to the polls on any vote knows completely what they are voting for because there is never a clear picture given. After the vote people then find out they were not acutally getting what they thought if they voted with the party which wins.

For me this referendum is a classic case of this. What are people voting for? How will people's lives be effected if they vote yes or vote no? Its hard to say. On every matter there is a claim from one side and a counter claim from the other. Its all turned into a bit of a pantomime.

I have done a lot of new things this year. Again 3 weeks ago I had no desire to add voting to my list. But it changed. I have to be honest and say it only changed because I wanted to add voting to my list. I wasn't sure what to put down. Maybe a spoiled paper- protest vote. Some message on it with both boxes left unticked. Just to go through the process of voting and tick my own box- or cross it. Once I had made that decision to vote though I was drawn into the arguments for both sides. I watched the debates and read the opinions. The opinions that I was more interested in were those with no vested interest- outside of the UK. But then again I suppose it affects even countries outside of the UK. In Germany for example they were saying a Yes vote could start a financial depression. Catolonia meanwhile was looking on intently like some other places where the independence issue is something people are wanting a vote on.

I don't however want to get into politics as this is not the point of this blog. Besides that as I have hopefully made clear I don't know much about politics and nor do I care to. I was a little unsure about saying here what decision I had come to because there is so much animosity. I have never known anything like it. Friends and families are falling out right, left and centre on Facebook. There is more than heated debate. I've seen a few people even deactivate their Facebook because of debate. On there I have said nothing. I have read some complete and utter rubbish and bit my tongue. Its sad really. Alot of people are saying the same as me that they never had an interest in politics until this referendum but by some of the posts they are voting with their heart rather than head. Or that is to say they cannot make an argument because they have not actually bothered to read about what they are voting for or against.

The trouble with this vote is a problem that exists in Scotland and more so in the West of Scotland where I live. As everyone knows there is a sectarian divide and an allegiance to two big football clubs. Although its not everyone there is a large percentage of people who have alligned themselves to a certain side because of their religious beliefs and/or football team they support. For example my kids go to a Catholic school and the majority of parents there appear to be voting yes. That goes back to an independent Ireland. While at other schools there will be a majority of no votes for opposite reasons- allegiance to the Union. As I say its not everyone but a large majority. I see it on my Facebook and my wife sees it on hers. For me that was not a problem being an ashiest and wouldn't have mattered anyway because I'm not swayed like that.

Anyway as I said I did not want this to be about politics. My wife and I had agreed to go together to vote. Voting is at a primary school and its a difficult one for  me. Despite this I walked up there this morning with my ballot card in my back pocket. As I neared the gates though I started to panic and had to walk past. I then tried again and again had to walk past. Fatigue and panic drove me home. Its an age old problem. I built it up into something bigger than it was. I had to tell my wife what had happened and because of it the chances were I would not be voting today. The reason for the latter is it did not stop there. Panic has been raging all day long leaving me feeling shattered and jittery. For those reasons I chose not to vote.

Around an hour ago though my wife went to vote and because she was taking the car I went with her. Even getting driven up there I was a bag of nerves- visibly shaking. The fears were planted and I could not rid myself of them. What were the fears? It was being trapped. It was the fear that once I stepped through the door I could not leave until I had voted. I worried I would go in and voting would take place at the back of the building. I worried that there would be a big queue inside. I worried that there would be a problem and I would have to stand waiting. I worried about so many things. Then I was standing at a booth with a pencil in my hand and shaking. Mind went blank. What was my answer? Yes or no. What way was I going? What if I got it wrong? Even when I put the cross in the box and even after I left I was still unsure I had put it in the right place.

Its going to be close. In fact I am of the opinion that it should need a majority vote to stick. If its one percent or two or something that small then I think its wrong to be decided when almost half the country have voted against it- whatever it is. I have read both arguments. Both give reasons to vote in favour. If I am honest I don't think either outcome will be bad- possibly. I am though still concerned about spin. I am concerned about the state of Scotland and the UK in the event of lies being uncovered after the event.  It is for this reason I decided on what I would vote for. I feel Scotland will become independent. I think one day England and Wales will too. I am not sure where that would leave Northern Ireland. Already there is a push for devolution in England and its no surprise. Having Scottish MPs voting on English affairs but not the reverse is wrong. I don't though think the time for those things are now which is why I voted no.

The reason I voted that way was because I do not think there is one informed person voting today. Not one. And the reason for that is no one has been given the truth about what will happen regardless of how the vote goes.  More than that though there is another reason. In a worst case scenario on either vote it is only the no vote which can be undone. If the country votes yes and it all goes wrong then there is no reverse.  It is done with no way back. That scares me. Neither side has convincingly answered questions asked of them and that has left people guessing. It needed more debate. It needed answers.

However it goes I will accept it. I do worry though that independence without a guaranteed credit union could not only be disastrous for Scotland but damaging also for the rest of the UK.  There is really too much incertainty for me to vote in favour of independence. I think if I didn't have children I would think differently but I would be gambling on their future. I prefer to stick with the known however problematic that is rather than find out what the unknown is like.

When it all comes down to it though there are no winners in this. There is a lot of animosity among the people of Scotland now towards one and other and there will also have been animosity created between Scotland and the rest of the UK. In that regard I think we have all lost. And it won't stop here. However the vote turns out tomorrow there are going to be a lot of angry people who will not let this go. What lies ahead worries me regardless of the outcome.