Woodland walk

I'm quite proud of myself today. I did something which has been on my mind for a long time but have never been able to work up the courage to do. Its a route down to the David Livingstone Centre where I have been by car and even twice managed to walk to on foot but always via the main roads. My hope was to one day came back via the woodland and part of the many paths around my area named the Clyde Walkway. Its a bit more challenging and that is why I have been put off by it. Challenging for me in two ways.

The walk in total is only two miles. There was a time not so long ago when that distance was beyond on. For many years I could not do one mile or only very very infrequently at a push. In fact up until the start of last year really that was the case. The fact I can cover that distance now is just part of the problem. That is not the way agoraphobia works. The problem is I have been testing of late how far I can get away from home in one direction before I feel the need to turn back and that has at a push been not more than half a mile. So basically to do it I would need to double that and that is something I had planned to start working on gradually. The other problem was just as hard. Going via the main roads there are ways to take a short cut if I need to bale out or even call my wife to come by car if I feel I cannot go on. Going into the woodland offers no such luxury. Once I go in I have to really come out the other end and that is where the panic I knew would build when passing that point of no return.

I was not at the stage of attempting it. I like to plan these things and prepare for all eventualities. I also like to get myself as right as I can mentally before attempting such a thing. It makes me wonder whether its the right approach. The truth is I was just doing a normal walk when I suddenly felt: bugger it. And off I went. And I kept going. All the way down to the David Livingstone centre and past it and then to the entrance to the woodlands. By then I was so out of breath and shaky. As much as I wanted to head back I told myself it was actually shorter to push on. That is the truth. It is shorter but maybe more taxing because there are more ups and downs and the path is muddy- I nearly fell a few times. But I realised I had in fact already passed the point of no return just getting down there. So I pushed on.

It wasn't easy. But I started at least to see things for what they were. The breathless was not physically driven. The more I pushed on the less breathless I became despite some steep inclines. I also started to slow myself down deliberately aware I was pushing tensely and quickly to get it over. All inward. I started to get mindful. Smells, colours, sounds of the woodland. Slowing. Got my camera out. Looked about for things of interest and with each step pulled myself slowly from internalising to externalising in the wonderful surroundings. Not to the point where I enjoyed it as much as I should have but from entering the woods to exiting I was getting nearer to that state.

I really do need to keep a note of these things. So many things that I wanted to do two years ago and for years before that have now been done. Its easy to forget as I look ahead to the next challenges. But its important to remember.