Pick up

Yesterday my wife was working and the girls were at an after school club. Someone had to pick up my son. That someone turned out to be me. The first time I have ever picked up any of my kids on their own. I know it doesn't sound like much, people around the globe do it every day, but for me it was monumental. Another small step in the right direction. But I must also say I have not done it since.

But its a start. Another item ticked off the list. What is so hard about walking to the school and bringing my son home? To begin with up until the 4th of June last year I could not get to the school and even then after it was hit and miss. Nowadays its easier but still there are times I cannot do it. This is an important part to note: the inconsistency. I remember talking to a woman from the council who wanted a meeting. I'd agreed thinking it was by phone and pulled out when she said she wanted me to go in for the meeting. When I told her I couldn't go she asked: what has changed? There was a reason that time but even if not then I would still have answered that I change from day to day, minute to minute. There is no way to know how I will get from minute to minute. The reason for this is half anxiety and half fatigue. They both feed each other negatively.

Sometimes I cannot get to the school. Sometimes I get so anxious I just have to head home. Sometimes I feel so fatigued that it makes me so breathless and weak and shaky that I must head back home. So getting to the school is hit and miss. It will remain that way until I am on top of my anxiety. That is what I am aiming for. Years ago a therapist told me the fatigue is caused by the anxiety. I am not so sure. Until I am on top of the anxiety I will never know. This makes me very unreliable and of course it doesn't stop there. Its why I do things better off the cuff. If I have to be some place at some time then I also have the anticipatory anxiety to contend with. The apprehension in other words. According to the therapist the anxiety from this causes the fatigue so I am even less likely to get there.

That is what made picking up my son alone such an achievement for me. Getting there was more difficult that usual because of the apprehension over getting there and the wait. It was really sunny. I kept getting bright spots on the way up there- anxiety opens the pupils more to let in more light. Sweating. Unsteady. Breathless. I got there and luck was on my side. Its a big playground and my son's classroom is right at the end and that is where I expected to wait. That is where I expected to stand rooted to the spot unable to move my legs from tension and just wanting to sit or lie down. Its where I hoped no one would spot me and want to chat. I needed to be alone. I didn't need to feel any more trapped. My son's class was though already coming out and he spotted me straight away so after a word and a point the teacher let him run over to me. The distance at that point didn't matter. Relief was pouring in that I did not have to wait. Sometimes they can be out a few minutes earlier while at other times they can be up to ten minutes late. The latter is where the mind was soaked in dread so the relief was to be free from that.

I made a point of leaving slowly. Its important according to the CBT. In fact it would have been more important to wait a bit longer. Wait for the anxiety levels to drop. Break the association of high anxiety with the situation. As it happened though the relief had all but done that.

We walked slowly through the park. Father and son. Like all the other parents with their kids walking in the same direction. Normality- sort of. A taste of it. Something else to tick off. All these little ticks add up. Someday there will be no more boxes to tick. This is why I need to stop the long spells of looking back with regret. Seeing my kids have grown and there have been no family holidays or days out or other normal things and still stuck in that tiny flat with no garden with no sign of that changing in future. But it can change. There is still time and a way to turn this around and if nothing else at least the last year or so there are signs for the first time that I might be walking along that path now.