Sliding down the side of the mountain

NOTE: I know the images do not relate to the content but not getting out of late anywhere to take photos so apologies for that.

Its been a hell of a time but not, I am afraid to say, in a good way. There is nothing to be gained by going into details so I won't but its been the hardest of times. It happens every once in a while. Once, twice or maybe three times a year. Maybe not as often as thrice. Just not sure. My walks have stopped dead in their tracks since Friday and this has had a massive knock on effect. In this period the one thing I have learned is that I have been actually making more progress than I realised but all too late. This enlightenment has come about ironically because I am starting to experience a lot of dark things that I used to experience but had not realised over the last few months had all but gone. This is all down to being virtually incarcerated again in this shitty little flat. Lots of fears resurfacing and pulling back old nightmares. Little did I realise at the time but I have actually been climbing up the mountain and making more headway than I thought. Only now that I find myself sliding down fast with smoke belching from the seat of my pants as I go do I see how far I had come.

As I said I won't go into detail but suffice it to say I have been, and continue to be, in a great deal of pain. Pain that I cannot escape. Pain that means I cannot even rest comfortably. Pain that disturbs my sleep and leaved me feeling more shattered every morning. Pain with a cause. A clear cause. A cause that would send most to their GP or the hospital but that is not a luxury I have- being an agoraphobic. Any way not to worry. As I said I have been here before and as bad as it is I know its a temporary state and will heal with time. This though is the longest episode I have had and still there is no sign of it ebbing but it will ebb eventually. All I can do in the meantime is put up with it and treat the cause. Also as well as not being able to seek medical advice I cannot take painkillers as they do not agree with me so I just have to accept it. If I could I would take them but I cannot deal as easily with the side effects I experience- though I never used to. And there are two little bottles of whiskey in the kitchen that have been left at various times by my father-in-law. God I have been tempted and they would probably both be empty by now were it not for the fact I know it would really play on my anxiety the day after.

So that as where I am at the moment and as bad as the pain is I really have to say the most frustrating thing for me is that the walks I have been building all year have been wiped out. That depresses me because I know now from experience when I start them up again it will be like starting over again. And this has had the biggest effect on my anxiety. I am still managing small walks but very restricted and like the early days after I come in I experience bad after effects. Its like a heavy fatigue where I feel grey and my lips feel bloated and my eyes blur and my breathing is not good. Just feel horrendous. Not straight away. It takes about 20 minutes and then it hits. But as I said I used to experience this regularly and its a testament to how well my walking has been going that I have not experienced in a long time up until now.

It really does have a knock on effect. Time anxiety is creeping back and I never even noticed it was gone. I am starting to look at the clock again when I get up and counting the hours left in the day with a sense of dread. Yet before this period I was getting up early with no conscious thought of the time and going out for a long, by my standards, walk without any problems. So you see I was making progress even if I didn't think so myself.

As I said though this is a temporary state. It will pass. And when it passes if I have to start over then so be it. I now know I can do it, have done it and can get back there again. I have proved it to myself. Time does not matter. I just need to let things run their course and then start the journey back over again knowing I will get there and that if I don't push things I might even get back there quicker than the last time and beyond.

Everchanging moods

Right now at this time on a Monday morning which is usually the hardest time of the week on the anxiety front I feel positive. Its strange. If only I could keep a hold of that. If only moods were not everchanging. But they are. And anxiety is ever changing too. I got up earlier today and when it was time to wave my family goodbye I instead went with them. The plan was to go a little way as anything was a start. I didn't expect to go almost halfway but I did. I went as far as I have been struggling to go this year but all the better for doing it first thing in the morning at a time where I would usually still be waking up. That is what has me in a positive mood. I have been trying hard and I have to hold on to these little positives. Its the first time in 6 months I have managed an early walk. The last time I did for a few weeks then I got a chest infection and couldn't walk at all and after that just struggled to do it. So I am hoping this time I can maintain it but won't get carried away as its just one morning as it stands.

It was not as difficult as anticipated. That surprised me. This year though I have been approaching my walks differently in my attempt at graduated exposure. Its a two pronged attack in which I have managed only one prong so far so must work on the other. After looking at my walks for the 3 years previous I see a chart ful of spiky lines. What this says is that I push but cannot maintain and inevitably they start to ease off. This is eagerness. Eagerness to push and ignore the body so difficult to maintain. So this year I have been doing the walks slowly and building on that. Happy to maintain for however long it takes and then increasing slowly as the body allows. Now I am up at what my best walks of last year. The struggle now is to maintain but I hope because I have been building up gradually I will have a better chance of doing that.

The other side I have not mastered yet is mindfulness. I realise that on my walks I got out and push tensely on until I can go no furthe and then scurry back. Its all mindlessly done. This in the long term isn't going to go me a lot of good. I need to be more mindful walking and try to get into the habit of not concentrating on the actual A to B and back to A the whole time. Because that is how it is. I am thinking about getting to a destination, how I am going to get back and getting it over with as quickly as possible. This is not the way. Yesterday was good. A little breakthrough. Out for a walk and I saw an old man with shopping pass me and when I was coming back on myself he was walking in front of me. And I envisioned how far he had to go and started to question why I could not do the same and then I started to loosen and take everything in and try to feel in my environment and all of a sudden I felt "normal" again. I wanted to walk on. I did walk on a bit more and it was my biggest walk of the year as it turned out. I could even have walked more were it not for the returning self doubt of regardless of how well I felt walking I would feel shit after. But a moment. Its these moments I am looking for and the only way I will get them is my trying to be more mindful on my walks. When I start to walk further and stay out longer it won't be because of the distance I have covered previously but how I have covered that distance.

Its been a tiring week so far which has paved the way for a return of that horrible melancholic state. It seems to be a combination of tiredness and anxiety. Tiredness because after a two week Easter break the kids are back at school again and the body clock which has drifted into longer nights and later starts must suddenly try to adjust again with the new routine. Its not an anxiety thing, my wife feels tired the first week too and the kids also. But all that said it has been a good week. Anxiety fairly low and working hard on getting on top of it. I hope to continue that into this week. When I am getting out and about more I feel my mood lifts some as it gets me away from ruminating indoors. We may even start the car journeys again soon and that would give me the opportunity to take my new camera outdoors somewhere.

I've also been getting out more with the kids rather than on my own. My daughter had great fun on the photo above. They are resurfacing the roads around my way so roads are blocked off and my daughter loved the opportunity to go walking on the new surface where normally its busy with cars. I'm sure there is a metaphor in there somewhere, probably.