A long hiatus

It has been over 6 years since my last post but I have the urge to start posting again, so here I am. In truth that itch has needed scratching for a very long time. How long? I can't say. The blogger who blogs here is not the same person in mind as blogged before. The reason for this is I had an accident and it has effected my memory badly. I have been told, via 2 MRI scans, That in itself is one of the reasons I have returned to blogging as I feel over time I can start to connect those pathways to access my former self. Then again maybe that is not important. I am me in the here and now. Who I was before really has no influence on who I am now as I cannot quite remember. Maybe, from a blogging perspective, that is a good thing. I will no doubt find out over time. I just feel engaging the brain again to raid the memory banks of what it will surrender will, in time, help me mentally. If not then to be perfectly honest I can't rue the loss of what I cannot recall.

I should start by explaining why I stopped blogging in the first place. That were for two reasons. I had basically no reason to keep going on with the blog based on my reasoning for starting it. I started it because I was bogged down with severe anxiety and panic attacks. It was a way to get the thoughts out my head and interact with like minded people. It helped for sure and led me also into the lives of others which were of great interest to read about. But my point of blogging was to get some sort of clarity of the mind. Before online journalling I filled a multitude of notepads in an attempt to unclutter my mind and make sense of it all. Blogging is a vast improvement as it brings interaction, friendship even, understanding, encouragement, feedback and even a kick up the backside if you wallow too much in self pity. Writing in a notepad reminds you of how alone you are. Interacting with people who have an understanding and/or are going through it themselves brings a much needed hope. Anxiety can be a very lonely and cruel place when you are surrounded by people who, understandably, don't understand. When I finally got myself anxiety, and panic, free I had no need to blog any more. Most of the people who I interacted with over those years had gone. Where? I don't know to be honest. 

Anyway at the risk of blabbing on too much I will wrap things up there. My anxiety problems have gone yet I still feel them bubbling under the surface waiting for any excuse to spill over. There is good reason for it I suppose. After years of being anxiety free I started experiencing it again last year for reasons I will get to. The threat remains so I assume the adrenaline is still dripping. The point of anxiety is to keep you on your toes against any threat. Ironically, as is usually the case, that threat is a self perpetuating cycle of fear against the feelings of fear. Again that is for another day. 

Inner Strength

On Monday I had two walks. They were short but the second was a little longer. Still though it was a struggle. It was like the 3 days of no walking had made my body seize up and its going to take some exercise to loosen it up again. The usual tight chest and laboured breathing right from the off made the walks a struggle. Today I have already been for a walk and it was just as much of a struggle. I find myself almost mentally defeated before going out.

In times past I would have given up straight away. Today's walk though was longer again and it was with my wife so I did not want to walk back early despite how I was feeling. As well as the symptoms already described I get this sort of nerve twitching in the face like it is going to go into spasm- no doubt coming from my neck and back. So I pushed on and done it but feel no better for it. Maybe if I just keep doing it then it will become easier.

Over these weeks and months though I feel I am tapping in more and more to an inner strength which is pulling me further along. As I said I would have been defeated before but now I am trying not to let it bother me. It is probable born of frustration and wanting to get well. Knowing inactivity isn't helping is a spur but also a trial.

The world around us changes our thinking too. At the moment "This Morning" is on in the background, my wife watches it, and there are a few older heavier women cycling across Cuba and here am I younger and less overweight thinking I am physically unable to walk a kilometre. I remember thinking the same annoyance with myself watching a woman cycle across the USA for charity- she was terminally ill with cancer. It really is not on. There was a time when I really was unbreakable but now I am encased in a fragile eggshell.

I was watching the new series "Survivors" last night and it got me thinking. If, like in that program, the majority died and the streets were empty would I still be housebound? Strangely I think not. I think if there was no one about I would walk further which just goes to show how I need to get over a mental rather than physical barrier. The reason I think is that if I walked far and got exhausted I could just lie down undisturbed without interference. Were I to do it now then people would look, some may even enquire and ultimately I would be agitated by the interference. But also it is about how people would see me and I have never liked being the centre of attention. So that could be loosely a social anxiety of sorts or more truthfully a lack of confidence. Maybe I need a confidence boost or a change of attitude. I have said that before. A person who does not care what others think probably would not suffer from anxiety.

I also watch people on TV and I am in awe at how relaxed they are. I think that person has got up, got ready, out the door, travelled to the studio by some means of transport, probably up flights of stairs, hung about for a while and yet still is sitting there so relaxed. Then I think to myself I used to do the same. There was a time not so long ago I used to walk 30 minutes to work, work for 8 hours on my feet up and down stairs and then 30 minutes walk home. I never even gave it a second thought. Even if I had the flu or a bug I would do it without a worry. Now I get a sniffle and cannot get out the door. Well I can but mentally I don't allow myself.

I think what I am saying is that I need a complete change of thinking. My mindset is stuck in a mould of fear and I need to break that. I need a new outlook, a positive one. Until I do that I will be stuck in this safe zone.

Friends

 

I have one friend in particular, who strangely is not in the above lineup despite being part of that lot, who reaches out now and again. He has done for years. I do feel blessed to have good friends despite not seeing them often. This one though goes above and beyond despite being a very popular guy with a huge group of friends in all walks of life. He contacted me out the blue today a while back just to see how things were going. That is the kind of guy he is.

I'm also lucky in that despite heading to my 53rd birthday at the end of the year all my friends are still around. One nearly wasn't and he is pictured above. Thankfully despite small odds he pulled through his particular illness and appears to be on the mend. He is the oldest and has has his landmark birthday like we all have. I'm second in line. I do hope at some point we can all meet up. I do miss it but did get a taste a few years ago. 

From a long time of not being able to leave town I progressed and at one point on a New Years day when we had planned to have a family meal I found myself 30 miles away in a pub with old friends I had not seen for 15 years. To add to that quite by chance a girl we all new from Primary School stumbled in with friends to make it an even better night. It was fantastic- almost. The only downside was my lack of confidence. My wife kindly hung about. She went away in the car for over an hour with the kids to McDonalds to waste some time but when she came back they had to hang about. One of my friends said she and the kids could come in because he knew the staff but she didn't want to. As much as I wanted to stay out all night I had to cut it short because of the guilt. They all stayed on and I was away home but very happy for that moment in time I had longed.

Anyway I met up with two of my pals a month or so later and that was it. Never again. In times since I have been part of the group chat for meet ups. In the beginning I would decline making up excuses as my anxiety was back and growing. Then I got to the point where I stopped even replying because it was accepted that I was not going. Then the messages stopped and I assume a new group chat started and I was not invited. For some time now I have lost all contact as I came off all social media. I would like to get that all back. I get it. If the roles were reversed I would be saying: "There is only so much you can do." People cannot keep trying when there is nothing in response. I get that. I wish it were different but I take some heart from being here before and getting to that night I never thought would ever come. It can happen again. 

The image above was from a time long gone. For £50 each the 4 of us got a train to Northern Ireland, stayed for 5 days and returned. Quite incredible when you think about it. It was a great holiday with lots of tales to tell after. It was a time where I did not have to think about travelling, I just did it. Livingston to Stranraer to Larne to Coleraine to Port Rush. I think, it was a long time ago. At some point we were in Belfast I am sure on a bus and I remember looking at it and thinking how much it looked like Glasgow. Sketchy memories but stories after to talk about for years after. I miss that.

I still push on in my goal to eventually get there. Unfortunately where I am improving mentally I am struggling physically at the moment. Some problem with my knee has me hobbling where I was walking but the last couple of weeks it has been improving- I think. I can't go and get it looked at unfortunately so I have to work around it as best as I can. Its just one of those things I suppose. But as a result I have not walked very far the past couple of months. I plan tomorrow to start pushing it regardless. I need to get out and need to push myself out as far as I can. And if I do that regardless of how my body holds up I will get there in time. It needs patience and a bit of drive. I have been lacking that of late so hopefully in future posts I can shed a more positive light on these things. 

Unendurable

It's taken me a while and much longer than I remember it but finally I am nearing the end of "1984" by George Orwell. My first book in a long while and hopefully the start of getting back into reading again. My kindle tells me I am 91% complete so not long now. I have just gotten to a bit which really struck a chord with me...

"'Do you remember,' said O'brien, 'the moment of panic that used to occur in your dreams? There was a wall of blackness in front of you, and a roaring in your ears. There was something terrible on the other side of the wall. You knew that you knew what it was, but you dared not drag it into the open.'"

That feels about right sometimes. I do feel there is something at the other side of my wall causing the panic. I think I know what it is but don't at the same time because I have buried it so well I cannot remember. There is something there though. Its not visible. Its there. I think I do fear exposing it. And it has been there for as long as I can remember and that is why it is buried in the past. There are times I glimpse it but its not a thing I can put into words. Its a feeling- intense dread. I remember times when I was younger feeling it but now I don't know why and memories merge into others making the waters murky. But although the sounds, the images and even the smells all fade or become entangled in one another the feeling remains as strong now as it was then like I am living it over again. It is there at the point of panic.

That is why when I read in self help books that its important to know panic is harmless and that helps ease the panic I can't relate. I have never thought at the moment of panic that I am going to die or come to any kind of harm. I know lots of people do. For a lot of people its their heart which must be scary. But for me its not that. Its this intense dark dread that comes over me and everything becomes unreal as people carry on normally but for me I have stepped out of sync into a dark alternative reality where a real fear stalks- a bit like putting on the ring in the Lord of the rings books. Nothing on this planet can make me accept that. But its always been there for whatever reason and I buried it but over time it has kept resurfacing until two decades ago the seal cracked open and all the raw fear came flooding in. 

I think Orwell describes it perfectly in his writing. I can relate to it to the point I don't want to linger on it in case my mind goes down that dark alley too far. That led me to another paragraph shortly after.

"'By itself,' he said, 'pain is not always enough. There are occasions when a human being will stand out against pain, even to the point of death. But for everyone there is something unendurable - something that cannot be contemplated. Courage and cowardice are not involved.'"

In the story Winston Smith has been broken by torture and interrogation but still there is a tiny part unbreakable by force alone. This is the final method to completely break the spirit. And that is important here. We all do have something we just cannot contemplate facing. The force of that cannot be put into words. It's just something there inside us. A door we keep closed. And this is the thing most self therapy books I have read don't get. I know opening that door won't kill me. You know that. We do not think this will physically harm us or threaten our mortality. It is just something we feel unable to face. As said by Orwell the ability to face that does not come down to an overabundance of courage versus lack of it. Its something we just cannot handle regardless of how stupid it would appear to others. And this last part is what empowers it further because even if someone says they understand they don't. Even if they show support you know deep down they don't mean it. It's an anomaly that is as hard to pin down as it is to describe but it is very much a personal event. 

In recent years my progress has gone backward dramatically but I still plod away knowing I got there before and can do it again. Thankfully the periods of full blown panic have eased off considerably so its trying to now just get confidence and trust in myself to go back to the places I went before slowly. And I will get there however slowly. Small steps have been made in the right direction and that is all I can ask for. Hopefully over the coming months that progress will increase and this shrunken world I am in will get bigger again. 

The dog and me in 23

I cannot say with 100% certainty but from memory I think this was a first this new year. I am now into my fifty first year and for the first time in my entire life I brought in the bells on my own- well me and the dog to see in 2023. It was strange. I think back to my teenage years spent with family and friends and into my twenties always around people. Not just new year's night but new year's day and days after in pubs and houses and sometimes even with strangers. Then I met my wife and from 1998 onwards I spent every Hogmany with her whether it be out somewhere or more recently at home. The event has meant less and less to be honest but never did I think I would be spending it alone. But I did. I am not sure really why it bothered me so much but it did. It made me anxious and yet the reality is it was just another night. It made me so anxious I was going to keep the TV and radio off until after the year had elapsed but in the end I gave in and listened to the countdown. I had a dram at the bells. I took the dog out a final walk. Then I fell asleep.

Not the most exciting start to the year. There was no looking towards the future and making big plans for the months ahead. No resolutions to break before the week is over. It was just me and the dog and a mostly normal night except for a short period of anxiety over something of nothing. Looking back I think really it is no different in other respects to years past even going back to my late teens. It is a time of building anticipation and excitement and then after that short moment it all sort of falls flat and the reality that it is just another day sets in. Much ado about nothing really other than a reluctance on my part for change. 

In looking forward though I have to say this 2022 was as poor a year as I can remember so my hope is tht it can only get better from here. I have been making some progress again which I hope I can carry on and get back to where I was this time last year. Although the news is filled with nothing good at the moment I do hope everyone has a better and more deserved 2023 than the years since COVID arrived have brought us. All the best. 

Worrier

Anxiety stems from worry. Have I always been a worrier? Is this what brought on the anxiety and the subsequent panic? Or is the worry a product of the years of anxiety? I don't know. Its a chicken and egg situation. What I do know though and what is becoming more and more apparent is that I am a worrier right here and now. And that would be OK. Worry is not a bad thing. But my worry is excessive and it is prolonged. There is that. But maybe even worse than that is the catastrophising that I have become an expert in and I am so profficient in the art of thinking the worse that it is an automatic reaction now. Before I can even compute something my mind is writing my life's latest disaster movie which is more catastrophic than the last which is usually just 2 minutes prior. I am reminded of that Commercial Union advert from yesteryear: we won't make a drama out of a crisis. Except it is never a crisis or at least until now it has never been. 

As I said a few posts ago we have been having problems at home with moisture and mould. I am getting on top of it. Slowly but surely I am getting on top but it is a constant battle at the moment. Anyway the kids' room needed work today and I did that and came out giving myself a pat on the back feeling like I had done something worthwhile- I try to do something of note each day however little. And I came into the living room and went to the window and looked out. Horrible day. Dark and wet and rainy and cold. I turned around and for whatever reason looked up and there was something that was not there before. A mark or a stain. What is that? 

It doesn't matter. I found three more. That was about tea time. The rest of the night was a write off. In my mind it is water in the loft. I cannot get up there at the moment. My head went from a small stain to the ceiling opening up and water gushing in. From there it was where to stay while work was carried out to fix it. It was the cost of fixing it. It was what to do if the damage could not be fixed. It was a million and one dark rabbit holes I was diving down. Some of it came from other places. The cold snap followed by the quick thaw led to burst pipes. Our downstairs neighbour had a ceiling leak and the guy above was away so the fire brigade had to come out and kick in the door to turn off the water. I was out talking to them and one of the guys was saying they were all over the place that day with burst pipes. As well as that a family we are friendly with had a burst pipe above them too and they had to spend a night in a hotel then got moved to a different above while work is carried out. So there is some reasoning to it but it is still thinking the very worst when its most likely not going to happen.

This is what causes panic attacks. It is the over the top reaction to the slightest thing that sets off the alarm bells that leads to the fight or flight system being activated. It is the irrational jumping of conclusion from minor concern to major incident. It is wanting to be the warrior but instead being the worrier and the disappointment that brings. It is an almost constant din and inner wailing that I cannot seem to quieten. It wasn't always there but it seems to get worse rather than better. I cannot seem to accept that which I cannot affect and that causes agitation because I know its stupid but its such an automatic process now I cannot seem to stop it and challenge it at source. I am a worrier but I wasn't always a worrier so if I can sway one way then I can surely sway the other way in time. It needs a shift in attitude.  

Bah humbug!

 

Not a popular sentiment I know but I have to say it: I hate Christmas. I didn't always hate it and maybe it just this year in particular but right now I just want to get it out of the way. Its a mssive expense at a time when everyone is striking because they don't have enough money, more people are using food banks than ever and power bills are rocketing out of sight. Every purchase is shrinking but the cost is snowballing- a grand for a phone! You give things people don't always want and recieve things you don't always need- or want either. And yet with social media there are always those showing off their wealth  and their boxes of presents for the kids and grandkids and all the rest. You go outside and there are houses lit up like a lighthouse probably using enough power to run the whole street. Wherever you look there are things to make you feel inadequate at this time of year.

People only want to see one side of Christmas. They don't want to see people taking out loans they cannot afford to keep up with rest. They don't want to see people cold, hungry and homeless outside while others are inside and warm getting stuck into a big turkey with all the trimmings. But I know for a lot of people it is not about that. For some people its about going to church and the social side. Its about families getting together. Its about the happy faces of young children opening up a present. It is a real mixture of things depending on your circumstances. Its not all bad but its not all good either.

For me though, as I said, I just want to see the back of it. I've spent more money than I should have and I know the kids are going to be disappointed with what they find. And that will be compounded later when they are on their social media and see what other have gotten. Its shouldn't be about material gains but it is in the same way that Easter is all about the chocolate eggs. If it were not then no one would give presents or eggs.

Anyway sorry to be such a downer but the world has gone to pot at the moment and it feels like so many people are struggling financially at the moment and Christmas is the last thing they need too. I don't think I am alone in that respect or maybe I am. Maybe I am the only Scrooge in the village. 

A big part of how I feel this year is down to this year being very different for other reasons. Usually at Christmas we get up, kids open their presents and then my wife takes them up North. Its been like that for as long as I could not go. This year though my wife and oldest daughter are working in the care sector so need to work Christmas Eve, Christmas day and boxing day so it doesn't feel very much like Christmas at all. They are not just working a few hours either but out at around 7:00 then home around 22:00. So for them it really is not Christmas at all. And the same goes for the younger two who will no doubt feel like something is missing come the big day. 

Aside from the grumping I do hope many people do have a merry Christmas this year of all years. Especially the kids. 

Snap

 If you listen closely then you will hear the sound of palms rubbing together. For many its to keep warm in this cold and depressive period. For an elite few though it is the rubbing the hands with glee and as a cold snap means their banks balance is escalating faster than those old electricity meters used to whizz when you turned on the hot tap. Energy bills doubling and trebling and spiralling so the select rich can horde even more piles of cash with billion dollar profits and gigantic bonuses. Its not just the poor that are feeling the pinch of the energy crisis but those better off financially too who have bigger homes and require more heating and light. Its not just the homes but the businesses from the small individuals to the bigger establishments. As if things were not bad enough with the cost of living and energy rises heading to Christmas then a cold snap appears to really darken the mood. Expected at this time of year of course but that doesn't make it any easier to accommodate.

It is a dilemma. You sit freezing under a duvet with a water bottle and still the end of your nose and maybe your hands are like ice. You want to "take the chill out the air" with an hour's blast of the central heating but you also in your head the bill coming through the post and the regret felt that you did not just keep that heating off. You see your kids shiver and give in preferring to ease their suffering and take the financial hit later. But spare a thought when you are cold for those in Braemar experiencing -17 degrees overnight and parts in the area without power for days. At least we have the option of heat.

There is though another part of me that questions my thinking when I remove the anger directed towards the fat cats in power who are obviously rigging the pricing- it is no lose for them and all big gain. I think to myself: how did it come to this? How for years and years did we not have to worry about putting on the heating in winter but now its a major issue. And by "we" I mean the collective "we" of all of us in that situation. It suggests a decline but is it? Is it more a case that we have gotten used to too many creature comforts. For example I remember when young sitting comfortable on the sofa and getting annoyed at being told to get up and switch the TV over. Remote controls came to take that problem away and then when even pressing a button got too much we developed voice activated control. And heating is the same. When I was of school age I remember being freezing in the morning walking about with a cover over me and praying someone would put on the electric fire. It never happened, or rarely, because of the costs. At best we got the light and its orange glow to give the impression of warmth. Is that any different from now? And it was worse then because most homes were only single glazed and draughty unlike now. Maybe we now expect too much. It is possible. There is that expectation on one hand but there still is on the other hand that very reasonable expectation that we would hope energy companies would not hold us to ransom but that feels very real at the moment in this cold snap.

Fifty One

 

On Saturday I turned 51 years old and it was the hardest birthday to day. Still my anxiety is very bad and still I am not anyone in on the secret. To my family I am struggling again with agoraphobia but trying to overcome that with CBT and walks like I did previously. They know nothing though of what is going on indoors inside the 4 walls of the living room where I reside and inside the 4 walls of my head. And so it was i was first up sitting on my own with dread building over the coming events. Something so simple yet so hard. The giving of presents and a card. A lovely thing but to me a situation where I had to stay in one place and not leave even with panic building or in full flow. I can't even remember how long I was alone but every minute felt like an hour. You see my wife had planned to go up north with the kids and so I knew at the end of it all I would be alone where i could at least deal with any panic out of view. An act she was apologetic over but that I was thankful for. Since my father in law's stroke my wife and her sisters have been taking turns to look after him so it was her turn to go up. Something I was completely fine with. The alternative was us all just sitting at home anyway doing nothing much and getting a take away later. 

Anyway the lead up from all being up until wife giving me me card and present was worse than I imagined it to be. I did not panic which ironically was the problem. If I'd had a panic attack it would have lasted 20-30 minutes and then after I would have been fine. Instead it was constant tension and agitation and restlessness that was driving me up the wall. It was a prolonged state of apprehension. My body was waiting for the inevitable panic and because it never came and because it assumed it was inevitable then the process just kept going on and on. It was horrible to be honest. So when it came to present time I could feel panic starting to rise. I'd had enough. I felt so uncomfortable and just wanted to be alone and was sitting with a bag of presents and four members of my family sitting waiting on me. Something happened. Something strange. All the tension eased off and all the anticipatory adrenaline flushed away. All of a sudden I felt "normal" again. So i opened my cards and my presents and was very appreciative for being spoiled more than I deserved. And I remained in that state of normality until they left a few hours later and on into the night alone sitting with my take away watching TV until lights out. The hardest birthday in many ways and yet one of the best in the end and certainly one of the most rewarding as I could not have appreciated the kindness more had I not had that anxiety leave me like that.

On reflection that is how things have been going of late. In the past two weeks I have actually only experienced one panic attack. This is a massive improvement from August to October when not only was I having one per day but sometimes up to three per day. Draining and horrible. I am not jumping the gun but I am hoping things are improving on that front. But I do have to say in place of panic is this prolong period of dread which to be honest is expecting giving I was having daily panics and so my body is still expecting them at home in the company of even my family. I am wary because I did go a two week period of no panics in October and then as soon as I had one it was back to dailies and they hit harder in the beginning because I had gone so long without one.  I can only just stick to the CB that helped me last time and hope that in time they do settle. I do though still feel vulnerable to them. 

I am hoping the second year of my fifties is better than the first. I was so full of optimism this time last year with good reason but that bout of COVID19 in February seems to have set me right the way back to the start at a time I was pretty sure I was going to finally get out of this mess. I need to accept that and know that from further down the ladder now there is more room to climb in this coming year and that has already started. I have experienced some positives so I hope into 2023 for some better days ahead. Only the future knows.

Moisture

 

Out home has been getting progressively more prone to build ups of moisture and it is driving me to despair. Its been there over the last five years or so. Maybe its been there longer. But over the years it has gotten progressively worse to the point a few years back I could no longer ignore it. Thankfully what I feared was damp turned out to be mould and after some Youtube videos I was able to clean, treat and repaint the affected areas. This year in particular though it has cranked up a few levels and its a constant job to keep it in check.

It started with the the windows. We were finding condensation on our windows every morning and would wipe and dry them. The moisture increased and so my wife bought a Karcher window cleaner to deal with them and it did. But in this last year although it still work sit is no longer condesation on the windows but a soaking and on the sill a puddle of water. We have tried ionisers and all sorts without any success as I think the moisture too much. The obvious solution is to keep the windows open but its bloody freezing so that is not an option. That is a daily morning routine but it can also be repeated multiple times a day. The window cleaner used to be emptied weekly but now its two or more times a day because there is so much water. 

Of course this has brought on mound and again I treat it but now I am finding water droplets on the ceiling near the windows because the air is so full of water. We have taken measures like reducing drying clothes in doors and ensuring the bathroom door is shut during bathtime but still the build up is incredible. And because the ceilings are wet I am now having to wipe those down every morning and cannot repaint because they are never dry. 

The summer will no doubt clear things up and put off the problem for another year. I am though beside myself trying to work out what is going on. I have spent many hours researching the problem without success. There is something nagging at me though telling me its the loft. At the moment we cannot get up there because you access it through a cupboard and that cupboard is full. A while back someone came and put new insulation in and I remember a few weeks later when I went up it was wet and hot. They were supposed to come back to put in some sort of ventiliation but never did. I need to get up there but also dread what I will find. Something for another day I suppose. For now I'll just keep treating it. 

Christmas already

 

It would appear its Christmas time already and maybe has been for longer than I have been aware. I have not been getting out much so cannot say I have noticed until now. I don't have the radio on but my wife assures me the Christmas songs are in full flow already and Noddy Holder can start rubbing his hands with glee again. It was only the other day when out for a walk in the dark venturing further than normal that I first noticed the Christmas lights lining the main road. As I moved over the road and along I came upon the town Christmas tree fully lit. I have no idea how long it has been this way as I used to subscribe to a local news feed on Facebook but binned it when the news became more national that local like we don't have the BBC for that. I would then have read when the tree went up but without that I was oblivious. Still mid November seems a bit premature to be. 

Do people reach saturation level by the time Christmas Eve comes around? For kids this should be a special time but I cannot help think its being diluted by the prolonging of it. Something tells me this started after COVID when people wanted an extended Christmas to make up for the wasted one the year before and it has just continued from there. Its lost something I feel. Maybe not right now but I bet in a month's time it will feel like something most people just want over and done with.

To be honest I hate this time of year. I loved it when the kids were young and they appreciated lots of boxes of cheap toys with lots of extra presents from relatives. Its different days now and has been for some time. The first signs were when the oldest hit High School and started noting what other kids were getting and more importantly what she was not. Her sister followed and every year we were made to feel more and more inadequate for not being about to spend hundreds on the latest Iphone or Ipad or Iwhatever. Social media of course is a big part of that. Rich kids use it to show off their loot on the big day and the night before they now show off Christmas boxes filled with gifts so they don't have to wait for a sleep to get gifts. It is all expense from the gimmicks employed each year to empty our pockets to the bright garish flashing lights outside people's homes as they compete to be the best at celebrating Christmas. Social media has soured Christmas for me but "progress" has not helped either. When the kids were small we could bulk up their pile with DVDs, CDs and books as well as other things- computer games as well. Now its all digital and what is left to hold in the hand is as tiny as it is expensive so there is no pile and what lies beneath the tree looks wholly inadequate.

I know there is a lot of good to Christmas and I do miss those days but maybe I just have to accept that it is part of life. It was probably like this before the kids came along. Now at Christmas there is no visiting family like we used to do mostly because of my agoraphobia and that has led to many a Christmas spent alone leading to further resentment. This year though will probably be the least Christmas of all. Usually my wife takes the kids up North to her dad's house but he is spending this year down south with her sister and her family. On top of that even if her dad was not going away it looks like my wife will be having to work over Christmas so it going to feel very strange indeed. And maybe that is why I feel a little annoyed at seeing Christmas brought forward because to be honest I don't want to think about it right now. I shouldn't have to think about it for at least another couple of weeks but alas already as I sign of I can already hear Mariah Carey calling out.  

Green

  

This is not a political broadcast on my behalf. Its just something that keeps bothering me and I feel the need to get it off my chest. And this post is how I see it from what I have seen and read. I am by no means an authority on politics and I am pretty sure there are many who could shoot holes in this post with very little effort. I don't take a great interest in politics but enough I feel to have some sort of opinion.

I was listening to a lady on the radio a while back talking about her daughter voting for the first time in the last Scottish elections. Her daughter voted the Green Party- in Scotland that is the Scottish Greens which is a completely different entity to the UK Greens it should be said. I can understand young people voting that way. This is the world they are inheriting. This is a big deal for young people. I watched the Greta Thunberg series on BBC and she is a remarkable young woman with a lot on her shoulders. It angers me when I hear cheap shots and negativity towards her. That is inspirational. Some young in Scotland would not like to admit it but I am sure she does sway their view. 

Anyway this young girl was proud to have voted Green in the election but shocked later to find her vote for the environment was being used towards a mandate for Scottish independence. She was not wanting that. So what does a young person concerned about the environment do with their vote if they are not a separatist or nationalist or both? In an old bag I had flyers from the last Scottish elections and that is the Green one again. As you can see no mention of independence apart from the one line about securing a future as an "independent European country".  Is that not a contradiction? And where have I heard that line before? 

This bothers me but more bothers me. The environment is a massive issue for the young people all the way up to the old in the shape of Sir David Attenborough. Only one party on Scotland represent those issues. But this party has of late given the environment a backseat while it pushes its agenda for Scottish independence. Were that not bad enough one of the co-leaders was calling for the abolition of the Monarchy. Green party? Its scary because their party name does not do what it says on the tin. They are a front for nationalism using people's very real concerns over the world environment as a mandate for turning Scotland into Ireland which is the most Green I suppose. 

Anyway I may be wrong but if I am not I would hope real environmentalists would pick up the mantle and create a proper environmental party to challenge them as I fear it could create a backdoor to independence for the UK. Why they want to be apart from the UK but still ruled by Europe is something else I don't understand but probably the most bemusing thing about that is what it has to do with a Green party.  

Off the grid

 

Finally we are back on the grid after falling off for a week out of the blue. It is amazing the things you take for granted in this modern age until they are gone. I like to think I can do without technology and find ways to spend my time elsewhere but it turns out I suffer the same seperation anxiety as everyone else when I am expelled from the matrix. That is circumstances at the moment for sure. A few years ago I could easily have sat and read a book all day and enjoyed it whereas at the moment I feel constant agitation and no enjoyment in reading. It has become a chore. But my main escape was the outdoors. Having overcome the vast chunk of my agoraphobia I liked nothing better than to just head out for a few hours and get back into the outside world whatever the whether. At the moment just getting around my block is hard enough and mostly I am leaving it until quieter times so I feel more hemmed in. The day the Internet died I found the first few hours in particular very hard indeed. I am used to typing things out to deal with them and now there was no way of doing that. I forgot my Chromebook relied on an Internet connection and without one it was as good as dead to me. 

Anyway one day the Internet stopped and a few hours later it come on. Then it went off. Then it came on. Then it slowed down until it eventually stopped and just when it looked like it was gone forever it popped up about 48 hours later but at a snail's pace. Now this is the hard part and most frustrating part. Knowing that it is a bit of kit that is at fault is all well and good but trying to convince BT of that is another thing altogether. I remembered back to the time we made the switch from Sky to BT and the week without Internet trying with all my might to convince countless people in countless places that it was the line that was at fault and having to go through scripts that were futile. We had two boxed I think sent which I knew would not work and didn't. Finally they sent out an engineer and within a minute he said the line had not been patched in- something we were told over the phone had been done. Frustrating. I had no appetite for that again so my wife instead cancelled out Broadband and we went with someone else. 

Finally we are back online after what was a very long week for everyone. It should have been an opportunity to take a welcome break away from technology and find something else to do but unfortunately it wasn't. It was paying for for more 4G than normal and watching the clock. Sad really but that is the reality for most in modern life. 

Groundhog Day

I seem to have found myself in an endless loop going back to the middle of August in relation to having panic attacks at home. There is a pattern to it mostly but it does occasionally deviate depending on intensity and outside factors. At its most basic level though I wake, at some point a daily situation arises that causes panic, I go through it and then I am fine for the rest of the day. I sleep and the next day I go through it all again. Loosely that is it. I could add in more. The bit about I panic, go through and I am fine happens but more often that not that happens two times or sometimes three. Also just as a filler from waking to the first panic is apprehension over the incoming panic- anticipatory anxiety. Ironically it is this apprehension which actually causes the feared outcome and then it happens again sometimes and finally some how it stops- the body no longer fears danger so no longer sets off fight or flight. And that is how it should work for recovery. This is the process. But that should be it from start to finish and then at the end there should be no fear so no panic to come. Instead though I wake and I am back at the start again.

So it is very much like Groundhog day in that respect. It is tiring. In time it will pass but right now I feel so drained by it. And although it will pass it won't be overnight. It will take time. It will probably take months. It is not a case of overcoming it but getting used to it because it is a daily thing and when I am used to it then it holds less fear and so stops happening. That is the theory at least but from here it looks a long way off in the distance. 

I am a writer

 

I am a writer, that is what I wanted the response to be. Up until my 18th birthday it would have been I am a footballer. The question being of course: what do you do? In my first 18 years or 11-13 of them at least that dream of being a footballer was not my own. It was my dad's unfulfilled dream that he tried to live through me and then my brother. I thought I had it. I thought I was at least as good as those I competed against and one friend who went semi-pro. But I lacked the drive he had and that is what gets sportsmen ahead of the others. And later I came across people who were streets ahead and never made it. It was never to be and in hindsight that was probably a good thing. It wasn't my dream. I would have been miserable. And in truth in all the years I played football I was miserable without realising why.

One day I picked up a book by Anne Rice and read it out of boredom around 17-18 years old. I didn't expect to enjoy but I did. It was a book I had bought my mum for her birthday. So then I picked up another by Richard Laymon and enjoyed that too. Then I started buying books. I went from those horrors to different genres. Probably one of my best moves was joining a mail order club called QPD (Quality Paperback Direct) in which you got 3 free books and then had to buy so many a year. The reason it was good was sometimes I got sent the book of the month which was something I would not have chosen and although not always great it opened up so much more to me.

Reading did not want to make me a writer but it was part of it. I think it was "On the road" by Kerouac and all the books I read after. Not writing or reading but the freedom to go wherever. I wanted to travel- ironically. And at some point I thought travel writing was my perfect vocation. I envisioned a small bag over my shoulder and jumping on a train around Europe and other places to sit writing in my notepad about the scenes, the smells, the colours and the soundtrack to it all. The problem is I couldn't write. That was obviously a problem. I had scraped a pass in English and at one point been put in with the daft lads much to the dismay of one teacher. It was like my desire to play guitar. I tried so hard with that but in the end had to give up realising I just was never going to do it because I could only concentrate on one hand at a time. And if all that were not bad enough for a travel writer who could not write imagine one who could not also could not travel due to agoraphobia. The travel writer who cannot write or travel. I have become the complete opposite of what I desired to be. 

I am not a writer. I am not a footballer. As I outlined in a previous post I am not anything. I feel like I am just bobbing about in an endless ocean. I need to find a direction.  

2021

 

Its around this time of year that my wife comes home from work with gifts and an indication that the year is coming to a close. My wife is customer facing as a receptionist where there are lots of regular customers and there tends to be generosity this time of year. Above for example is a box of 35 Tunnock's tea cakes which is not cheap. That was just one of the gifts. I feel I should send them down to my uncle in East Anglia as he misses some things from home despite being away for all the time I have known him. I'm not sure if its these of the wafers he misses though so maybe I'll have to eat them myself. When my brother was down earlier in the year he took some Stornaway black budding. My gran used to take down Lorne sausage, potato scones, shortbread and other things I forget know. That was though a time when things were hard to get, a different world. Nowadays there is very little you cannot get if you want it and have the funds. Makes me think of my first holiday abroad at Palma Nova and newspapers were always so a day or two out of date which is very different from now where you can get them with a click instantly on your phone. I digress.

I can't remember all the gifts my wife got but she did well and as I said it indicates the end of the year. It goes too quickly. 2021 has shot by like a rocket in much the same way as 2020 did. I see I am over the half century now and my wife is a few years ahead of me. Two girls at 18 and 16 with the boy turning 14 in a month's time. It is scary. But the feelings are mixed. I am sure I am not the only one who could not wait to see the back of this year- and last. It has been 2 years of misery for everyone and we can only hope that if not for ourselves then the generations below the future years are better. Right now no one can tell and that is the hardest thing.

I relate everything to myself. In that regard I feel its very like my first full blown panic attack which had me unable to go out the door. That was incredibly scary. Not only did I not know what was wrong with me but I could find no one to help me. It was, and still is, a very lonely place. More than that though was the uncertainty of the future. I did not know if I would ever get better. I didn't know if things were ever going to be the same again. Two years on almost from the beginning of Covid19 we are all still feeling the same way. There is fear around every corner and the future is really unknown. I am not recovered but I see many people who are recovered- many, many people. I feel even after all this time I can still recover too because I have had a taste of it. Likewise many deadly viruses have brought the world to a stop over time and every time the human race has bounced back. I don't see this time being any different. Like myself it may take longer than hoped but when the destination is reached it will bring with it an appreciation that has been earned and a resiliance that will make the time after better than those who never went through it. 

Setting

The year is setting like the sun above ever so slowly. My wife decided after being up North at the weekend to see her Octogenarian dad with the kids that they would not be returning to school. They all plan to spend Christmas and New Year up there so potentially exposing them to the new strain in that period when all they would be doing is watching videos and hanging about didn't seem wise. So it felt like the year closed earlier than normal as it also meant kids were up later and rising later. It has in effect felt like a string of weekends tied together. And for my part the year has also set as I have done very little and plan to do even less. I do though have further plans beyond that for the new year as we all no doubt do but mine involve establishing a routine which is missing in my life rather than specific goals.

For some reason on the day I turned 50 I felt the need to wear a shirt and dress a bit smarter. So I donned the first day with a shirt I had never worn and a jumper I had not worn either. Smartened up. And at one point that day the dog found something he should not have had. He wasn't for giving it up. I got a few dog biscuits and threw them down the hall with the hope being he would get them, I would shut the door behind him and remove the problem. But he is smart. He looked at where the treats were tossed, looked at me and then just launched at me. Shirt and jumper were binned as he ripped holes in both and I was left wondering what would have happened had I only been wearing one layer. He never learns. I got the hoover out, turned it on and that was enough to scare him off. I removed the problem and then he appeared with ears back and tail wagging like he had not seen me for weeks. Bizarre but coming an all too familiar routine. Still a new shirt and jumper needed binned.

It did though get me thinking about getting into a routine to organise my day. I have noted a few men of a certain age lately needing their routine of a shave, a wash, dressing and going for a paper or down somewhere for coffee or breakfast. A read. A walk. A shop. That kind of thing. The opposite of getting up and lounging about in PJs because there is no need not to. Routine is more important than I think I realised in my own life at least.

Anyway given we are all supposed to stay indoors when we can there has not been much else going on at the moment. I would expect that to be the case well into the new year. 
 

Omicron

 Today was the last day of isolation but not until midnight after this post is written. Its been a bit strange and a bit quick. I didn't mention it last time as it only occurred after. Around 10 days ago I suppose I was sitting alone at home with the dog on a Sunday and meanwhile my wife was up North taking her dad to a Christmas thing at the Church and the two younger kids were with them up in the choir loft. All good. Except sometime between then and Friday past someone tested positive for the new Omicron strain and that person was in the choir. My wife and kids being in close proximity had to isolate for 10 days from the event and so did I and the oldest being in the same household. But we only found out on Friday so its not been a long prison term. Thankfully although we have isolated we developed no symptoms. I think we avoided that one and thankfully my wife's dad avoided it too. He didn't have to isolate as he had covid within the 10 days (not sure of the official timeframe) prior to the incident at church. We have definitely been lucky on that score. 

This new variant is a big concern though. I said it to my wife last week when a couple of cases became 5 then 11 and then 25 and so on. Its how it went with the original Covid19 outbreak and this is supposed to be more contagious. That is a big worry. A big worry for the health service who are already under enough pressure as it is and for businesses who could be heading again into a period of closure they may not survive this time. I see the lockdowns at differing degrees in Austria, Germany and Holland mainly through football it has to be said but cannot help thinking we should be doing the same now. In fact last week it should have been done or earlier. We are not learning from this. If its 1 on day 1, 2 on day 2, 4 on day 3, 8 on day 4 then by the end of the week 1 is 64 and a week later its 8192, and so on. You have to stop at source surely! This weekend in Scotland we have a football cup final where over 50,000 people will attend. At the Hydro venue there are big events with lots of people attending. Restaurants, pubs, clubs and other venues like the Irn Bru Carnival which will be starting soon will see droves of people mingle. Airports will condense people of varying biological states into small places to spread around the country while trains, taxis, ferries and all the rest with do similar. Am I missing something? I know its not the popular thing to do and that is the probable reason the FM (that is First Minister rather than Fanny Merchant but those lines are as hard to define as the difference between an alligator and a crocodile) doesn't want to make the right call. Do we wait for it to get too bad to ignore before we do something? 

Time will tell. I do hope my concerns are false and soon we go back to normal. Not for me but for the kids who can seem to get a run at life without some sore of covid obstacle threat. The kids need a clearer future when what we have at present. For me its no different really. An excuse to stay indoors is an excuse not to be different for once. Its what I do and what I have done but even at 50 hope it won't be forever. But who knows? I have just lay out on the sofa reading books mostly and noting world events. Sorry to read of the deaths of both Mike Nesmith and Anne Rice who had impacts on my life in different ways but that is the way of it. At midnight tonight the cell door opens again and I must start getting out again more regularly and looking for a life before it passes me by. 

Relaxation

 

Sitting out chilling with a book, electronically. A cuppa, wish I had some Earl Grey. Or even Lady Grey as that hint of orange is sometimes more appealing. After a long walk it's nice to just lie back and find a place of relaxation that I could not find for years. I lie back, read, sip and read again then invariably I fall asleep. It's a good sleep. Its not like lying at two in the morning wishing to find slumber land. It's natural. It's earned. I drift off with thoughts of whatever I was reading. I'm going to enjoy Mark Twain when it comes around and Jack London. This is my favourite time of day. 

Its not that not much else is happening, or maybe that is the case. I haven't really thought about it. What I was thinking about when I was lying out was how much things have changed for the better. There was a long period of time when I could not relax like this. There was a time when I could not walk far so could not tire myself out and instead I would sit nursing an underlying current of agitation that who distractedly buzz away enough to stop me finding focus and losing concentration. Something as simple as relaxing is not to be taken for granted. It costs nothing but that does not mean we can all have it. Many people have many worries that prevent them melting into a sofa or sleeping like a baby. We live in a world full of stresses where negativity is fired at us from all directions. It is a a high paced blur driving most from waking to sleep in an instant. It is the polar opposite from my memories of sitting on a small boat slowly floating down the Norfolk broads under a baking sun in those long summers. That is where I would like to be so in those moments that is where my mind takes me. 

It is not my plan to spend my days like this of course. My plan is to try to get back into life as soon as possible. But after the time I had last year I treasure these moments more than anything material and I hope they remain no matter how hard life gets around about them. 

Next in line

 

Not the best photo I know but it's not the best phone that I have and nor the best camera contained within it. It's cheap. Maybe if I had my actual camera, which I have not used in over a year, things would be different. Soon possibly. It is about time I got my camera back out again to push me out of the door. What the photo above is of, said better in words than visually, is a young fox. A new fox hanging around looking to be fed in some way. Stupidly fearless because he or she should carry fear or life won't last very long around here. The old fox is gone, long gone. It upset my wife but true to form she has gotten attached to this new one. 

I'd rather she didn't. I'd rather the dog was not barking loudly when I took him out. I'd rather our living room was not the soul illumination in the wee dark hours. I'd rather the wild were left wild because that is how they survive and any human kindness is a nail in their coffin frankly. They need to be afraid of us humans. They should be afraid of us humans.

It is a fruitless effort to argue. The ball is rolling and will keep rolling nightly. It will keep coming and my wife will keep feeding it.