Friends

 

I have one friend in particular, who strangely is not in the above lineup despite being part of that lot, who reaches out now and again. He has done for years. I do feel blessed to have good friends despite not seeing them often. This one though goes above and beyond despite being a very popular guy with a huge group of friends in all walks of life. He contacted me out the blue today a while back just to see how things were going. That is the kind of guy he is.

I'm also lucky in that despite heading to my 53rd birthday at the end of the year all my friends are still around. One nearly wasn't and he is pictured above. Thankfully despite small odds he pulled through his particular illness and appears to be on the mend. He is the oldest and has has his landmark birthday like we all have. I'm second in line. I do hope at some point we can all meet up. I do miss it but did get a taste a few years ago. 

From a long time of not being able to leave town I progressed and at one point on a New Years day when we had planned to have a family meal I found myself 30 miles away in a pub with old friends I had not seen for 15 years. To add to that quite by chance a girl we all new from Primary School stumbled in with friends to make it an even better night. It was fantastic- almost. The only downside was my lack of confidence. My wife kindly hung about. She went away in the car for over an hour with the kids to McDonalds to waste some time but when she came back they had to hang about. One of my friends said she and the kids could come in because he knew the staff but she didn't want to. As much as I wanted to stay out all night I had to cut it short because of the guilt. They all stayed on and I was away home but very happy for that moment in time I had longed.

Anyway I met up with two of my pals a month or so later and that was it. Never again. In times since I have been part of the group chat for meet ups. In the beginning I would decline making up excuses as my anxiety was back and growing. Then I got to the point where I stopped even replying because it was accepted that I was not going. Then the messages stopped and I assume a new group chat started and I was not invited. For some time now I have lost all contact as I came off all social media. I would like to get that all back. I get it. If the roles were reversed I would be saying: "There is only so much you can do." People cannot keep trying when there is nothing in response. I get that. I wish it were different but I take some heart from being here before and getting to that night I never thought would ever come. It can happen again. 

The image above was from a time long gone. For £50 each the 4 of us got a train to Northern Ireland, stayed for 5 days and returned. Quite incredible when you think about it. It was a great holiday with lots of tales to tell after. It was a time where I did not have to think about travelling, I just did it. Livingston to Stranraer to Larne to Coleraine to Port Rush. I think, it was a long time ago. At some point we were in Belfast I am sure on a bus and I remember looking at it and thinking how much it looked like Glasgow. Sketchy memories but stories after to talk about for years after. I miss that.

I still push on in my goal to eventually get there. Unfortunately where I am improving mentally I am struggling physically at the moment. Some problem with my knee has me hobbling where I was walking but the last couple of weeks it has been improving- I think. I can't go and get it looked at unfortunately so I have to work around it as best as I can. Its just one of those things I suppose. But as a result I have not walked very far the past couple of months. I plan tomorrow to start pushing it regardless. I need to get out and need to push myself out as far as I can. And if I do that regardless of how my body holds up I will get there in time. It needs patience and a bit of drive. I have been lacking that of late so hopefully in future posts I can shed a more positive light on these things. 

Friends and family

On a lazy Sunday indoors. Weather too crap to venture out so a day of rest to gather back some energy- if only we could syphon it from the kids. The oldest to her credit got creative. She made herself a friend and then wanted me to take a photo of it with her and her siblings. They have a thing about being naked which obviously I don't want photographed- they are just kids. The boy agreed to cover up but his sister didn't so she was left out the photo. I had to shoot this blindly on tiptoes pointing down at the floor. Looks like a right little character. She is inventive that way. A child's imagination- wish I could syphon that too.

Being indoors its very grainy. I had to take the shot on automatic due to the way I was having to take it. Could have done with one of those flip out screens a lot of new cameras have. That would have been simple. Here I just had to take a number of snaps and hope one of them had everything in frame regardless of the composition.

On the anxiety side of things I have had a return of a really annoying things which is panic cycles. It masquerades as illness, feels like illness. I was sue it was illness until I seen it was coming in cycles and then examining further saw that it was in fact adrenaline. No idea what sets it off but its not nice. Its like rough seas. Kept hitting a peak of panic and then it would ease and then it would peak again and so on. Just kept going but eventually went. I just wish I knew what the catalyst was for some of these things then at least I could try to prevent them because when they start they are very hard to get out of. It gets confusing in there.




Anyway this one is one is actually two blended images. All bar the helicopter is the original but because of perspective it was a dot in the original. Luckily I also took a zoom shot of it so I added the zoomed to this image in place of the dot. Helicopters are forever flying over my sky. No idea what kind this one is. Usually they are police ones looking for someone and spending hours circling or hovering with the search light on if the time of day requires it. This one though was just passing by.

Nothing great about it except its something different and trying to vary these photos as much as I possibly can. It was actually taken from the passenger seat of the car after we had parked outside the home after a drive. Looking at it the helicopter is probably closer in the photo than it was at the time but more like my eyes saw than the original photo.

Absent Friends

Where did the time go? Counting up the years I can't believe it's almost a decade since we were trying to make plans. My friends and I were a group core of between 7-10 individuals. Good friends, ones that you never forget. Most years we would go abroad somewhere to the usual resorts. I wanted more than that though and so did a few others so a plan was hatched. We would abandon our life and go travelling in Europe. There we would get by and taste the fruits of foreign lands living life to it's maximum potential.

This dream never died but with time it was turned into reality I had gone. I had a job where I had have to move and without a car I saw less of my friends but still got on well enough with people in my new area through work. Many is the time we'd go for a pub lunch on a Sunday or just a few drinks after work. Good times. Then I met my wife and we planned to marry- which involved another move to an area where I knew no-one.

The wedding was a small affair and not one of my friends came. Why? Becuase they were all in the Southern hemisphere. Finally they'd done it. They were all to a man travelling Australia, Thailand and the like. But they did try sending a telegram that never arrived. Ironic isn't it?

It's a long time since I've seen them and now I don't know if I will ever see them again. Night outs and weddinings have passed which I have been invited to but have always made an excuse not to go to so much so that they no longer ask. It has never bothered me though as time moves on.

Last night though I was sitting with the laptop listening to some music on the headphones and decided to look through old photographs. From anxiety to panic attacks and all the things after I have never felt truly depressed until last night. Images of better times and with the advent of Bebo I have pics of my friends on recent stag weekends with everyone there looking a good bit older than I remember and me absent. It left a very empty feeling inside.

Up until then I'd always had movies in my head of another night out. One I found out about but they were not expected me on a month of Sundays to ever attend. Then I'd come in and everything was back as it was. Not only would that time gap disappear but with this I would find another part of myself that has been lost along the way. But looking through those photographs it finally sunk in that I am never going to feel that way again.

That opened the floodgates of depression. It has dawned on me that i cannot even sit in the company of my parents or brother or sister. I cannot be myself. As cruel as it may sound I do not want to see them because of the anxiety it gives me. While they talk I nod and inside I am just fighting with this beast hoping they will go sometime soon. I realise I am no longer me and it's been so long that I doubt I can ever be me again. Hardest of all though I realise with my children I am begining to feel the same way. Not that I want them away but I find it hard to sit down and read them a book or interact with them because of this constant demon gnawing away at me. Even back in January when I was better it still was not right. Finally there is my wife and truly it's not as it was but if anything it is better with her than anyone else.

So it is no surprise that I woke this morning alone in bed in a very black mood indeed. There are times when this would have consumed me but I won't allow it. For some unknown reason it has had the opposite effect. It's like this unwanted guest has pushed a little too far this time and rather than snapping all that bending has finally sprung back in it's face. Now I feel a real strength within to get better and become "normal" again. I've always wanted it but that little episode appears to have triggered a real surge of power within me that is going to make me do everything in my power to get it back.

I actually feel quite invigorated today as a result. Earlier I went for a walk which was actually physically hard but later tonight I am going for another one as the strength is on me. I really need to get out and I really need to start working with myself to get better. Last night hope seemed to be deserting me but I cannot allow that to happen as without hope there is only the black pit of despair.

At this point in time I have a real dream that I can get back to where I was and that one day soon I will be the man I was. The children will spend more time with me and my wife will finally get taken to a resteraunt again for a much needed destraction. The life of my friends continues and one day they may no longer be absent.