On Monday I had two walks. They were short but the second was a little longer. Still though it was a struggle. It was like the 3 days of no walking had made my body seize up and its going to take some exercise to loosen it up again. The usual tight chest and laboured breathing right from the off made the walks a struggle. Today I have already been for a walk and it was just as much of a struggle. I find myself almost mentally defeated before going out.
In times past I would have given up straight away. Today's walk though was longer again and it was with my wife so I did not want to walk back early despite how I was feeling. As well as the symptoms already described I get this sort of nerve twitching in the face like it is going to go into spasm- no doubt coming from my neck and back. So I pushed on and done it but feel no better for it. Maybe if I just keep doing it then it will become easier.
Over these weeks and months though I feel I am tapping in more and more to an inner strength which is pulling me further along. As I said I would have been defeated before but now I am trying not to let it bother me. It is probable born of frustration and wanting to get well. Knowing inactivity isn't helping is a spur but also a trial.
The world around us changes our thinking too. At the moment "This Morning" is on in the background, my wife watches it, and there are a few older heavier women cycling across Cuba and here am I younger and less overweight thinking I am physically unable to walk a kilometre. I remember thinking the same annoyance with myself watching a woman cycle across the USA for charity- she was terminally ill with cancer. It really is not on. There was a time when I really was unbreakable but now I am encased in a fragile eggshell.
I was watching the new series "Survivors" last night and it got me thinking. If, like in that program, the majority died and the streets were empty would I still be housebound? Strangely I think not. I think if there was no one about I would walk further which just goes to show how I need to get over a mental rather than physical barrier. The reason I think is that if I walked far and got exhausted I could just lie down undisturbed without interference. Were I to do it now then people would look, some may even enquire and ultimately I would be agitated by the interference. But also it is about how people would see me and I have never liked being the centre of attention. So that could be loosely a social anxiety of sorts or more truthfully a lack of confidence. Maybe I need a confidence boost or a change of attitude. I have said that before. A person who does not care what others think probably would not suffer from anxiety.
I also watch people on TV and I am in awe at how relaxed they are. I think that person has got up, got ready, out the door, travelled to the studio by some means of transport, probably up flights of stairs, hung about for a while and yet still is sitting there so relaxed. Then I think to myself I used to do the same. There was a time not so long ago I used to walk 30 minutes to work, work for 8 hours on my feet up and down stairs and then 30 minutes walk home. I never even gave it a second thought. Even if I had the flu or a bug I would do it without a worry. Now I get a sniffle and cannot get out the door. Well I can but mentally I don't allow myself.
I think what I am saying is that I need a complete change of thinking. My mindset is stuck in a mould of fear and I need to break that. I need a new outlook, a positive one. Until I do that I will be stuck in this safe zone.
