Fifty One

 

On Saturday I turned 51 years old and it was the hardest birthday to day. Still my anxiety is very bad and still I am not anyone in on the secret. To my family I am struggling again with agoraphobia but trying to overcome that with CBT and walks like I did previously. They know nothing though of what is going on indoors inside the 4 walls of the living room where I reside and inside the 4 walls of my head. And so it was i was first up sitting on my own with dread building over the coming events. Something so simple yet so hard. The giving of presents and a card. A lovely thing but to me a situation where I had to stay in one place and not leave even with panic building or in full flow. I can't even remember how long I was alone but every minute felt like an hour. You see my wife had planned to go up north with the kids and so I knew at the end of it all I would be alone where i could at least deal with any panic out of view. An act she was apologetic over but that I was thankful for. Since my father in law's stroke my wife and her sisters have been taking turns to look after him so it was her turn to go up. Something I was completely fine with. The alternative was us all just sitting at home anyway doing nothing much and getting a take away later. 

Anyway the lead up from all being up until wife giving me me card and present was worse than I imagined it to be. I did not panic which ironically was the problem. If I'd had a panic attack it would have lasted 20-30 minutes and then after I would have been fine. Instead it was constant tension and agitation and restlessness that was driving me up the wall. It was a prolonged state of apprehension. My body was waiting for the inevitable panic and because it never came and because it assumed it was inevitable then the process just kept going on and on. It was horrible to be honest. So when it came to present time I could feel panic starting to rise. I'd had enough. I felt so uncomfortable and just wanted to be alone and was sitting with a bag of presents and four members of my family sitting waiting on me. Something happened. Something strange. All the tension eased off and all the anticipatory adrenaline flushed away. All of a sudden I felt "normal" again. So i opened my cards and my presents and was very appreciative for being spoiled more than I deserved. And I remained in that state of normality until they left a few hours later and on into the night alone sitting with my take away watching TV until lights out. The hardest birthday in many ways and yet one of the best in the end and certainly one of the most rewarding as I could not have appreciated the kindness more had I not had that anxiety leave me like that.

On reflection that is how things have been going of late. In the past two weeks I have actually only experienced one panic attack. This is a massive improvement from August to October when not only was I having one per day but sometimes up to three per day. Draining and horrible. I am not jumping the gun but I am hoping things are improving on that front. But I do have to say in place of panic is this prolong period of dread which to be honest is expecting giving I was having daily panics and so my body is still expecting them at home in the company of even my family. I am wary because I did go a two week period of no panics in October and then as soon as I had one it was back to dailies and they hit harder in the beginning because I had gone so long without one.  I can only just stick to the CB that helped me last time and hope that in time they do settle. I do though still feel vulnerable to them. 

I am hoping the second year of my fifties is better than the first. I was so full of optimism this time last year with good reason but that bout of COVID19 in February seems to have set me right the way back to the start at a time I was pretty sure I was going to finally get out of this mess. I need to accept that and know that from further down the ladder now there is more room to climb in this coming year and that has already started. I have experienced some positives so I hope into 2023 for some better days ahead. Only the future knows.