The train ride

Its back to doing the CBT and this time I have been doing it properly. Having watched all the videos instead of just reading the books I see my mistakes and why I am struggling to progress. That said now that I understand how to do it properly does not mean that I will do it properly. I may still struggle- in fact I am sure I will. But at least I will know I am at least attempting it the correct way.

So I have decided to plan the impossible. No, not impossible. Nothing is impossible- well nearly nothing. I have decided to plan the improbable. I created a list of things I cannot do and must start working towards. This list contains 10 things and this is 2nd bottom of the list. And that list I might add is restricted to the close vicinity so it doesn't include the highly improbable and possibly on the list of impossible like getting on a plane or climbing Everest or taking a backpack through South America. Its all small fry in the scheme of things but giagantic in my world. Anyway, what I have decided to do is get on a train into the nearest town. Its something I just cannot see myself doing but that is hardly a surprise since I cannot even get to the train station at the moment and even if I did I would have to leave straight away never mind hanging around to jump on a train and all the rest.

When I say I have been doing the graduated exposure wrong up to this point I really mean I have been missing the point and that is probably why it took 3 years of it to get to the school as outlined in other posts on here. The most important part of the exposure is the part I missed out. That was waiting. Graduated exposure involves gradually making your way to a destination over time via a series of smaller steps. I got there in the end with the school run but what I was doing was getting to a point, overjoyed with that and leaving with anxiety stuck at a high level therefore actually reinforcing the belief that the place I had reached was still highly panic inducing- I left with high anxiety attached. What you are supposed to do is make your way to a point and then wait. Wait, observe, loosen, relax the stomach so that breathing is done naturally rather than forced, use the stomach as an anchor, let got of all the anxiety and let it just run its course. Adrenaline is short lived. You have to let time pass. Wait. Even a second more. And a second more. Wait. Wait long enough that you start to see the anxiety come down to a better level. Wait for that burst of adrenaline to spend itself. Another will probably come. Expect it. Wait. And watch how anxiety peaks and then slides down and then may peak again. Recognise its a burst of adrenaline. There goes another adrenaline rush. It will peter out if left to do so. And then when anxiety has sufficiently reduced you can leave the situation with anxiety at a lower level and therefore not add another memory of high anxiety at that point. This is theory. Once you feel that step is no longer causing the same level of anxiety, an uncomfortable level, then start heading to the next step and so on. Unlike what I was doing charging head first and internally yelling like a madman to get through it all tensed up with gritted teeth and furrowed brow.

If it takes me 3 years to take a train ride then so be it. I will be happy with that. I'd rather do it sooner but when you are at the point where it all seems too impossible to do then just managing it some time down the line would be a god send. When you are so overwhelmed with fear just thinking about it then its a nice thought to think one day it might be possible and every day you are taking small steps toward it. Its not just the ultimate end though that is important. The practice of waiting if achieved correctly can then be taken into other areas and that practice then becomes so natural that its a little easier to approach these difficult things. As I said though easy in theory, understandable, but very difficult in practice as we fight against habit of reaction with fear which is so natural now its trigger happy taking a long time to change.

So I have a plan. A plan to one day get me on a train to the nearest town. It won't be easy. This thing that millions do every day without thinking will not be easy. As I said I cannot even get to the train station so that is not a great start. I could of course use the car but I don't want to. This practice has to be done daily and our car is so old its very unreliable and I don't want this exposure interupted by car problems. Of course that doesn't mean there will not be other unforeseen problems. Already that is the case, and for some reason keeps happening, because as I go to start this a bug I thought was down to the kids returning to school has developed into a sinus infection and for someone who cannot go to their GP that is never a good thing. More so since its hard enough to deal with never mind what it can lead to like the throat and chest infection I had last time which was the most miserable period of my life in the last 5-10 years. These things affect my breathing and breathlessness is the number one problem for me when it comes to panic and anxiety.

Anyway, back to the plan. I have a few steps in this plan. Step 1 is achievable but not without a great deal of anxiety. Add to this its not a place I can stay and wait like I am supposed to so that is going to make it harder to get to the next step. Its a very secluded place but there are lone dog walkers usually and mostly female so I don't think its the best idea to be lurking- I certainly wouldn't like the idea if it was my wife down there on her own and some flustered weirdo was hanging about- very unsettling.

The plan then. It won't mean anything to anyone reading it but might as well include it as an indication of what I am doing and how I am breaking it up. Like the graduated exposure to the school I will include a post when I reach a new step. 

Lastly just a note about the lead image. It is of the train station and it was taken by me. So I have been there before, briefly. And driven there by my wife. It was February 2010 (even though I used it in a post in 2009! Should say when I started this blog I either didn't use images or took them straight off the web. When I decided to use my own images only I went back and changed everything retrospectively) and I thought it better to include that as it shows some of what lies ahead- though not greatly. Way off in the distance it may be possible to see a big building that looks like a little black square. This is the council building in the next town I want to get to. Even less clear to see is looking at the line of cars nearest the track there is a path leading into the trees down to a woodland path. The begining of that path, basically out of view, is step 2 in my exposure. So as you can tell its a long way off yet just getting there. Point 3 is one of the two benches between the tracks and the cars.

This, finally, is the plan...

1. Walk halfway to the train station.
2. Walk through the woodland path to the other side and wait. 
3. Walk to a bench at the station and wait.
4. After sitting on the bench have a walk around the train station (both sides via the footbridge)
5. Buy a ticket and get on the train to the small town to the West- get picked up at the other side by car.
6. After arriving at small town wait and then get picked up.
7. Instead of getting picked up buy a ticket for the return journey.
8. Instead of going West buy a return ticket for the big town to the East and complete the journey.

So there we are. 8 steps to do it. They all look increasingly hard from where I am right now and a long way off. There are some concerns but I with deal with them if and when I get to them. On steps 5 and 6 I need my wife to be available and the car on the road. Not always possible which could be a pain as this is supposed to be done daily but I will work around it somehow. Then there is the question of cost. Its not an expensive journey but we don't have disposable income to go throwing around on train journeys. That will no doubt become a factor if it gets to that stage. No point in worrying about it at the moment until it is an issue that needs to be addressed. People like to do things different ways. There are many who would prefer to do this with a support person which is understandable. I'm just one of those who don't as I prefer to go at my own pace and not be distracted.

So here I go....