The secret garden

 

There has been no change on the lockdown front but we have found a way to get some fresh air while keeping away from others. We have decided to take the dog out as a family most days and on other days anywhere from 2-5 of us. Always me and the wife. We have found an area in the woods that my wife calls "The secret garden". Its neither but it does seem to be infrequently inhabited, open and green. The dog loves it as he is virtually off the lead. If you look closely you can see the long black training lead trailing behind him. In his head he is free. Mostly its fine because apart from some deer we rarely see anything living but I try to stay lose as whenever a train passes he goes for it at top speed and I have to try to stop him. My wife says there is a fence that will stop him but running into a wire fence at speed you don't see coming is no fun. It did one happen to me getting chased once when I was younger and not only took the wind out me at stomach level on impact but flipped me over too with a crash.

Its great down there though. We feel like we are away from it all and the kids are getting out more probably in lockdown than they usually do outside of school. We just saunter. I had trouble getting down there to begin with but now its fine. There is a part of me concerned by kids drinking alcohol down there who are not at this spot but at the point you need to get through to get there. Its the other side of the railway bridge which is out the way and a favourite space for underage drinking as it has a concrete floor despite being in the woods which is a throwback to a slaughterhouse from years ago. Also there are places to sit. It ticks all the boxes. There are kids down there all the time. I talked to a guy who stays down there and it can get very bad at times with kids not even in there teens falling about drunk down there.

Its a far cry from this little area of serenity which is bliss. Its great for the mental health. Its an escape from the prison walls. We are lucky.

Charmed Life

When I hold you in my arms,
And look back on my charmed life
My charmed life
I hope, I hope if nothing more
That one day you’ll call your life
A charmed life

Charmed Life

Divine Comedy

At some point I'm going to have to get that camera out and start taking photos to fill the posts I have made. Seem to have slipped out of that like I do with most things. Strange to think that I dreamed for so long for a proper camera while I squeezed all I could out of my little compact and then when I get one it sits in a corner like an ornament gathering dust apart from special occasions. Its a problem with me. I keep meaning to get that Tom Ang book out and work through it like I did with the compact but properly this time with all the functionality but an intention is all it remains. Like so much.  A long to-do list that grows with every intention and the intention is squeezed into a cupboard behind a door which is ready to burst with the weight behind it. So many books lying unread when the desperate need to buy them was fulfilled but the intention to read them was left wanting. So many things. The great procrastinator. The stupendous puter-offfer. Letter unwritten and problems unfaced. There is always tomorrow- a detrimental mantra, in my case at least.

Things have been going well though. I had a period of doubt and have managed to push through it and gain strength from it in my climb up the mountain. In some ways I am getting things together and realised that this road is full of setbacks which must be overcome. Still there are obstacles still to be maneuvered but I feel with the right approach I will take them on when the time comes.

I guess what it comes down to is trying to not be overwhelmed by all that life throws at us. Any person has a million and one concerns in their life. Some darker and harder to deal with than others. Plenty I know more than I- people with problems that would scare the life out of me. A change of mindset is required. In this worrying mind of mine its too easy to keep placing all the negatives at the forefront at my mind and forget the things that I am truely lucky to have. I have my parents and I have my family and I have, I think, my health. I read "Some people are so poor all they have is money". So true. I have so much to be thankful for. I know so many people who have real problems- problems outwith their control. Life changing problems. My problems are microscopic in comparison.

This shift in thinking is of course and not yet a full shift but more a nudge in the right direction. It is though not forced. For whatever reason I see the people I admire most are not the kind of people I used to hold up as people to aspire too. That will change with age. I am now in my 40s so my aspirations to be a footballer, actor or rock god are now all behind me. But its not just that. All my life I have admired fearless people and successful people. This has changed. Not that I don't admire fearless people as I do. So many people with courage come to mind and maybe that is a better term- courageous rather than fearless because no one is truely fearless. But success has no place in my world and instead without making the conscious effort to do so I am drawn more to more judgemental laid back people. People who treat idiots the same way as samaritans. "Water off a duck's back" people. People who just accept people for who they are and just sort of amble through life without looking for some great prize. People not trying to win friends, affection or enemies. They just are themselves and maybe that is what I admire more and where I have been going wrong all these years. I have always tried to be something I am not and have always been disappointed by that. Even now I cannot accept what I have become. Maybe I should.

But these people I am sure aspire to something even if they don't care if they get there as much as more driven people do. That is OK, I like that. And that is what I must do. I must just accept what I am and who I am and keep trying to improve my life without judgement. I must be able to go to bed at night content and maybe that is all we can ask of ourselves.