Some day, hopefully in the not so distant future, I will come back to these posts and put pics in them. As it stands at the moment just not taking anything. The only time I use the camera is for the kids or their cousins and always in the house. Enthusiasm for photography seems lost at the moment. No idea why. Maybe its this wet summer and the inability to photograph outside. Car problems mean drives are out of the question so there is another route shut off. But it will come back.
I have been very fatigued but that is nothing new. I decided to try to change the way I do my walks. Instead of many short walks trying to do fewer bigger walks. Really finding it hard going. But that is to be expected given I am out of condition. And I don't mind that if it eases over time. But I worry it won't. If in a couple of weeks time I am still doing the same routine and there is no change then I will have to go back to shorter walks again.
I am confused, have been for a long time. Reluctant to call myself agoraphobic yet constantly referencing myself as one. I am agoraphobic but its more than that. The distinction? Agoraphobics generally can walk freely within a "safety zone". They can go to the edge and there they experience the panic when they go beyond. But they can escape back inside the safety zone again. Usually these are places. And that is how it started for me. That is the way it used to be. It used to be just agoraphobia.
I remember about 4 or 5 years ago walking to the shopping centre. As soon as I went through the door I panicked, stayed for as long as I could then escaped outside where I started to calm again. I then walked right the way around the shopping precinct. Then I tried to go in again. Same thing happened but was OK outside again. So I did it again. This time I fought with the panic, clenched the teeth and managed to get what I needed, get through the checkout and took a massive gulp of air outside. The tense body relaxed. The heart slowed down to a normal rate. The shaking eased. Then I walked home fine. That is how it used to be. Situational.
Now though its more than that. I have this bloody fatigue to contend with. This adds a whole new dimension because I cannot separate the fatigue from the agoraphobia. Well not walking anyway. The one place I can see the difference clearly is in the car. No fatigue driving or as a passenger in a car. But plenty of panic should I go so far. That is clear. Clear agoraphobia. Go out the safety zone and panic builds until I am back in it again.
Graduated exposure works with pure agoraphobia. I proved that to myself three years ago. At that time I could not even get into the car without having a panic attack. I had not driven for a year or been a passenger in a car. I had not left my town in 3 years since the big panic attack made me agoraphobic afterwards. One day I got in the car and managed a short drive. The same the second day. Gradually I increased. Over the course of a few months and many horrendous episodes I went from struggling to get in the car without panic to going out of town, into other towns and one day driving 40 miles. Lots of scary things but with graduated exposure I finally managed to branch out further than I even thought possible. It felt amazing.
So that is all fine. A problem, a solution that works for me. Does in the car. Doesn't with the walks. The fatigue I experience makes graduated exposure ineffective. I still do it for the sole reason that if I don't then I find agoraphobia increases. It is effective in maintaining the safety zone but not in increasing it. If find one day I can go to the shop with relative ease, most days I can't even get near the shops.
Now the question that has been bouncing around my head these past five and a half years: is fatigue related to the anxiety or a separate physiological problem altogether? Do I have two problems to contend with or one? The CBT therapist I have corresponded with assures me its part of the anxiety. He said he experienced it too and it even after he got himself anxiety free (managing anxiety) the fatigue still took a long time after to shift. And this is backed up by Dr Claire Weekes who wrote many times not only about how fatigue comes with anxiety but how an anxiety disorder actually has its roots in physical and mental fatigue.
What sways me to thinking there are two problems though is that over the years I have read many people write about their anxiety problems and overcoming them but with little or no mention of fatigue. And to be honest I have read more people writing about ME and CFS who seem to experience the same or worse level of fatigue as I get. Who to believe?
I remember reading a Claire Weekes book years ago and saw myself in those pages- in the process. I remember how it started. It started with fatigue. The fatigue increased. Over time I started to worry about it. The fatigue continued to increase. I went back and forth to the doctors and had all the tests and no reason for the fatigue could be found. I worried more. I got more fatigued. Then panic attacks started sporadically in situations- a meeting room, a crematorium, a church. Basically any situation where I could not escape quickly. It started seeping into the car. Over time I had to turn off the radio and never on any journey after had sound again because it was agitating me. Then traffic jams had panic rising. All the while feeling more and more fatigued, feeling ill actually and believing I had an undiagnosed illness. More worry, more fatigue. Finally one big panic attack on my own in the car and from there house bound.
So its possible its anxiety related. Maybe the timing would suggest it is likely more than possible. Not just chance. Not a coincidence but linked. If you have ever had a fright you will know what I mean. A real scare and after the fright you feel tired after it. That is like panic. The body goes through the same process so I guess continual panic and even higher than average anxiety will tire the body. Worry is tiring. People who go through worrying periods in their life feel very fatigued afterwards.
But I must end this pondering. I cannot shift the fatigue. I have no means of shifting fatigue. I have tried more activity, tried longer sleeps and tried a whole host of other things but I still feel fatigued in cycles. I never feel refreshed. But I can work on the anxiety and if I can one day get on top of the anxiety then I will know then whether the fatigue is anxiety based. If it is great. If not then at least I will be in a better state to deal with it and go see about investigating it.
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