2006

Tuesday 1st August 2006,

In days past I’ve tried to keep a journal but never stuck with it. For a few years now I’ve never had the urge again because I have come to realise it was labour. There was nothing to fill the pages with and I had to try to think of something to write. That has changed.

In days present I feel the need more than ever in my life to sort out my thoughts- I need to write. This is not a daily thing but on requirement. My head is so full of thoughts that need a road out and this is it. They are dark and unpleasant. They are all fear.

This was not written to be read but as self therapy. This is private. This is my life at the moment chronicled in days.

I am up North where not so long ago I once lived and worked. Now I live elsewhere and for just over a year no longer work. Along with my wife and two daughters we are housesitting for her parents. Under normal circumstances I’d be enjoying this time but not for 3 years have I been able to. That is life I suppose.

Being up in here is my last chance as such to “get better”. I was made redundant just over a year ago and have been unable to look for work nor sign on since. It’s a bad state of affairs. I am left frustrated by this as I want to find the inner strength to get back on track but all sorts of stuff seem to hold me back. Mainly panic attacks, shortness of breath, balance problems and a lack of support from the medical fraternity to help me.

Living in where I do hasn’t helped my situation. Most days I don’t go out and spend the time sitting on the couch on my laptop. Already in here I have been into town twice. On the first occassion I went to watch the football, Sunday, but panic brought me home again after half an hour. Still I tried. I was inside the pub and the panic got too much so instead of fleeing completely I went outside and sat in the beer garden. Once my beer had finished I went inside, ordered another and tried to sit with it. Again the panic was too much. Again I went outside. This time I finished the bottle quickly and even quicker made my way back. Which my wife was not happy about as she had just got the girls ready to join us and so we all went down the park for a stroll.

On Monday I went into town to buy a Paul McKenna book and again although the panic was severe I managed to pull through. Its hard to take. I lived her for a few years. I used to walk about town care free regularly. Sometimes just go for long walks for something to do- I lived alone. And now the places are the same but my body is reacting differently and with no clear reason. Every little thing I want to do is a fight and if I manage to get through it I can take no joy from doing so only relief and no eagerness to repeat it any time soon after. I wonder therefore if my zest for life is being sucked dry and I will soon have no desire to do anything.

Doing something doesn’t make the next time any easier. If it did then that would be an incentive but each time it is just as difficult. Today I found a new source of exercise. I am lacking in exercise so really need to do something. I’ve tried going for walks and tried exercising at home but to no avail. In here there is an exercise bike and I did a mile on it yesterday. Today I plan to do the same and maybe a little more. The effects did not seem to be to as bad as other forms of exercise so I’ll keep plugging away at that.

A feeling of disorientation brings on panic and the worry of it happening brings on the shortness of breath. That is my opinion. There should be a confidence in me though. Occassionally I get this feeling like a pocket of wind in my chest and it convinces me that something is wrong with my heart. This is the same with the disorientation feeling. Also to add to that is a feeling that I am washed out and have no energy. The doctor had an ECG done and it was fine so I have to get away from this fear. They are not always right but I have to find a way to stop it eating away at me.

I’ve bought that Paul McKenna book in the hope that I can somehow reprogram my mind. I do feel that although this was all brought on 3 years ago by a bad illness, put down to a virus, and continuing illness that saw me lose a stone and a half I still feel my problems since then have been in my head. These happened when I was working and brought on a fear that I would feel really bad at work and still have to get home. Some of the feelings have been underlying for a number of years to a lesser extent. Most of these thoughts intrude in my thinking and I just cannot shift them in certain situations.

What do I want? I want to relax. I want to be in a room of people and not be worrying about my breathing and not be looking for somewhere to lie down. I want to just be relaxed and have a calmness within. That would solve everything. That would allow me to get on with tackling life and supporting my family again.

Today we got the car sorted- a flat battery. Well flat was only a symptom of an otherwise dead cell. It meant us calling out the AA. As usual I was filled with apprehension about having to do a 1 on 1 with someone. My wife took the lead and when I followed I was fine. Maybe it was the fact I was not trapped with this person. I was free to roam as I pleased.

On TV there was an interesting character of Richard and Judy named Adam. He claimed to be a distant healer and had healed a man from pancreatic cancer. His mother had also apparently been cured of MS by him. I’m not sure I believe it- the guy is making a mint of the back of the claims. The message though was something I would like to buy into and that is that positive thought can make you better. Whether you believe in a god or not as long as you have that positive belief that things will get better then it helps.

That’s something I have been lacking. That doesn’t mean I’m going to trade in my hedonism for a bible. I do need some positive thought in my life- hopefully McKenna’s book can help me there. My thoughts are always negative. I need them to be positive. I need to hope things are going to change or else they definitely won’t. That is easy said though. How exactly do you convince yourself of something you have entrenched yourself in disbelieving?

Time will tell.