Mind of madness

Its just after tea time in this cold flat. The kids are on various electronic devices in their own little worlds. My wife is playing a game on her laptop, in her own little world. And I am entrenched, unfortunately, in my own little dark world. Typing does not feel right. I am so jittery that the fingers feel twitchy, the arms twitichy too. Concentrating is diffcult with an omonous threat hiding beneath the black cloud shrouding my mind.

It happened 3 months ago and I noted then it had happened 3 months before that point and now 3 months on it has happened again. Makes me wonder whether its a cycle. I am at least thankful that it happens so infrequently because it really knocks me for six.

Its been a while since I have had wine because it doesn't seem to agree with me. In my part of the world people talk of "the fear" in relation to a bad hangover. Its a horrible feeling that everyone who has ever had a rough morning from too many excesses the night before can relate to. Its a feeling of impending doom that you cannot put your finger on and makes you feel very shaky. In actual fact its a mild panic attack but doesn't become panic disorder as it is not irrational and people can see its because of how they have made themselves feel and goes when the hangover goes.

I didn't have a hangover but I did have a bottle of wine last night because I was alone watching the kids and had a relaxing Friday night. As I said the first time for a while and this morning I remembered why. I felt two things: fragile and vulnerable. This increased into high anxiety shortly after getting up when the kids started to play up and added noise, crying and fighting to it. All avoidable, all will be avoided in future. But no hangover and I knew I had to accept it, let it pass.

But then something happened. Something that has happened. Something not nice. Its very hard to explain or even understand but I will try my best to. It happened 4 hours ago and lasted at peak no more than a minute or two but even now leaves me shaken. Something I first remember experiencing pre-anxiety when I had a bad flu bout for over 4 weeks in 2003. Like a fever and it never happened again for some years after.

I was sitting and no doubt lost in thought inside myself when something started to come to mind. Something really familiar but which I could not clearly grasp. I was filled with a sense of deja vu yet at the same time whatever it was was completely foreign. There is something about it. Something I have experienced before. Like its been buried under the surface and has suddenly reared but was buried for so long that I vaguely remember it but cannot place. Maybe in dreams. Maybe a recurring nightmare I never recall on waking. But as I move closer to it I get that feeling that I do know it and the closer I get the more terrirified I become.

There are images and there is sound. There is a tune on a loop but its slowed right down. Its familiar and I can't help feeling its from a computer game. Really slow, unbearably slow. Then these faces come into my mind and that is when I cannot help myself as I move closer. As much as I can feel terror growing and as much as I know full well in that moment that it would be in my best interests to mentally get the hell out of there I move closer determined to see what it is. Its like its luring me in and I follow.

Its just out of reach so I apologise for the lack of clarity. Its hard to explain. But at the point I feel I am just about there and can just about place it so can then note it and analyse it later I come over really cold and start coming out in a sweat. The mind goes into overdrive and panic is full blown. In that moment it feels like something has mentally snapped. It feels like I have been pushing on the wall and its cracked. In that moment I am fully in the mind of madness and its terrifying. Again though I cannot describe specifically what "it" is. It just is.

The feeling of being frozen all over and coming out in sweats its not nice. Its alarming and panic esculates. The unreality floods in and I am disconnected with those around me. I need to escape from everyone. I get up and go out the room and realise I cannot run from it and I really need to sit down so return back to where I was. The moment is over but I feel I am still in it because I am in a full blown panic attack where nothing feels real and I feel I have lost it.

As I said I am affected a long time after. There is a threat. There is a sense of impending doom. The reality is that I am full of adrenaline. I am so jittery and when I sit calmly and look I can feel the adrenaline making my limbs buzz. That is why I am jittery. And the reason its going on so long is the sense of impending doom is anticipatory anxiety because I feel fragile and vulnerable to another episode.

Even the moment itself is really just panic. In fact if I am honest its really "just a sensation". It bothers me to say that because it feels anything other than something so simple in that moment of terror. But that is what it is. Its all explained in the books. There are various mental manifestations in relation to anxiety and deja vu is one of them. In fact here is the official list according to some body who feel they know:

MIND
Deja Vu, a feeling like you've done or experienced something before
Desensitisation, depersonalization
Fear of going crazy
Fear of losing control
Fear of impending doom
Feelings of unreality
Frequent feeling of being overwhelmed, or that there is just too much to handle or do..
Having difficulty concentrating.
Obsession about sensations or getting better
Repetitive thinking or incessant ‘mind chatter’
Underlying anxiety, apprehension, or fear
You often feel you are carrying the world on your shoulders

All in there as you can see. Panic can be a scary thing. It leaves you full of doubts. I am full of doubts at the moment. Am I mad? The reality is I am not but that is the thing, its difficult to convince the anxious mind of anything.

So its just panic. Just a sensation. Just some thoughts. Scary as hell though.

The bottle of wine last night I think brought this on but the truth is that its hard to diagnose a trigger and equally futile as knowing the cause makes no difference to sorting the problem. It could just as easily be the fact I am getting out more at the moment and pushing myself to the verge of panic daily without going full blown if I can avoid it. This is like a slow drip of adrenaline which builds over time as I have experienced in the past.

But what has not helped is that I have not done the CBT for a good while. Because I am getting out more I feel I am on the up so no longer need to work on the anxiety. This is of course wrong. Once the panic comes like today it really knocks the stuffing out.

So more problems that could be avoided. I have to work hard. As much as I struggle to convince myself at the moment this will pass and it will pass fairly quickly even though I feel as if its a permanent state. Its hard to believe anything else when my mind is still racing and my body shaking with the jitters. Raw fear. But it will pass and when it does I must get to work on this.

I also have to face those things I have been putting off. On Monday I need to fill out that AtoS form and send it back before the 11th. I also need to write a letter to the credit card company in the hope of at the very least as a loyal customer of over 20 years getting that 30% interest rate reduced that they have been bleeding me dry with for 15 years- don't want to even contemplate how much interest I have paid in that time. Other things need addressing too. I can no longer bury my head in the sand. 

The time is now...