Hidden

Getting back into the CBT is certainly helping but it also has a side that is hard to contend with. You see what happens when you are not doing any kind of therapy is you try to cope with the short term. That basically involves avoidance and distraction and filling up that big closet in the mind with every worry, cramming everything in, shutting the door, locking it and throwing away the key. What you find is that doing self help in someway causes that door to swing open and everything comes spilling out. Financial worries, Atos, coping, lost years, concerns over the kids, health concerns, lifestyle concerns and a whole host of other things. Its like a counter balance for any kind of progress you make and you soon find you are up and down like a yo-yo. So its hard to gauge how you are doing. Are you improving, no change or deteriorating? In truth it changes second to second. Big highs and crashing lows.

Of course this is just part of the problem. Real life has its own present woes. Just as Atos are pressing my panic button the relations are strained to the point of bursting at home- the less said about it the better. The reality is I am alone and having to deal with things on my own but it feels like everyone still wants to put the boot in not satisfied that I have enough on my plate. I am sure people around me think I am having too easy a time of it. Believe me I know where they are coming from. They don't know what this is like. They see a guy who looks healthy enough that he should be working and instead he sits at home all day not doing anything- or as my wife says "playing games all day". Not many people know what its like to wake up and feel dread crashing in as soon as you stir and spending the rest of the day at best in restlessness and at worst peaking at points into terror while watching your life slip through your fingers and having to face the shame. Of course this is all self pity. This is the part of me I try to keep hidden. No one other than those reading my blog know this because I keep it to myself. Instead I get told how shit I make everyone else's life just by existing and must not say: I am not enjoying this much either.

Blah! Rant over. As I said an indulgence into self pity but I needed to get it out my system. This is the only place I can do that. In the real world I don't have anyone to talk to. I very rarely see my family and only see my friends on Facebook now and would never discuss any problem with them as they have their own. So this is my one place to talk about what I keep hidden even if it is only out loudly to myself. A form of therapy in itself.

Anyway, back to the CBT. It does explain that there will be a rise in anxiety as you do it so I have to account for that. Its hard to say there is any kind of positive affect. I still cannot cope with a panic attack and have had many over the past few weeks because I am pushing the boundaries harder than I ever have- another thing no one but a reader will know. In the course of doing this I also found an online article which I think is well worth a read for anyone doing CBT. It shows common errors and I can identify with them and see why I have not given it the chance it deserves. That article is entitled "10 common errors made in CBT". Very interesting read. I see myself in a lot of that. Especially the bit about expecting results without practice. That is my biggest downfall. The therapist I talked to a year ago told me the same thing: you can't expect to read a book about riding a bike and then expect to ride it without having never gotten on. Likewise you may come off and fall a few times but as long as you get back on and keep practicing it will in time become second nature.

There is though another point well made that is related to why I don't practice enough- maybe. I do find reading the same material over and over monotonous. I start to go on auto pilot and not a lot sinks in. In this article the lady talks about the importance of repetition. Panic, for me, is an automatic response. It has become with time and repetition an automatic response. So in order to replace or change that response I need repetition and to give it plenty of time in order to develop the new response. Its crucial.

I do know the importance and you would think that would be enough but is not. It should be but when you find it hard to concentrate its very difficult to keep reading the same stuff over and over again and get it to sink in. But I must. And if nothing else there is a good reason to. Doing this I have had moments in the past of clarity where it has suddenly all fallen into place. You cannot strive for these but hopefully with repetition I will get more of those.

In fact overall from this article and from re-reading the CBT books I see I have been doing a lot wrong. Normalising statements for example is something I need to get written out. The ultimate aim is to stay with panic and I tried to do that this morning but walked away very quickly. I realised then I need those normalising statements because my mind was racing so much I could not recall what I had to remember to do. These are key to staying with panic and in doing do over and over again hopefully can be recalled automatically rather than referred to. Unless I do all I am doing is re-enforcing the belief that walking away is making the panic die down and that goes right back to my first big full blown panic attack that kicked all this off.

So plenty to work with and that is what I plan to do. Normalising statements, preparation before graduated exposure, panic practice at home on key symptoms like breathing and keeping record of everything to analyse and try to work out how to improve on it. Hopefully I will have some new on that front in the coming weeks as I try to push myself further and work harder with the self help.

In the between time I flit between being on top of anxiety and being crushed under. In hope one minute, despair the next. Better I suppose that being stuck in the dark places of the mind. Need to be in the real world more I think as its in introspection that I find my demons lurking. So I try to stay outward instead of in. I do try. Its a long road ahead and the path that lies beyond remains hidden but at least I am seeing glimmers of it.