The funfair has come to time. Time for me to venture down but the camera stayed firmly in the pocket- just in case anyone thought I was some kind of weirdo taking photos of people. Shame. I'd have liked to have catch lights at night and movement. Most nights have been wet though. I did think about doing down in the dark and taking photos from the outside at different points but not with my good camera. Won't risk the wet. The problems with my little compact camera's lens are probably down to condensation after taking it out in the rain once too often.
I didn't go in though. Ideally I would have liked to go in and have a stroll about just for something new to do. Maybe even get a hot roll from one of the stands I could see, and smell. But £1.50 just to get in. Not surprised to see not many people frequenting the place. They set up on Thursday night and are still here but will probably back up today as the schools go back tomorrow. But a bit much just to get into the place. If I were to take the kids down that would be £6 for us just to enter the tiny little ash park. I saw a little slide with a sign saying £2 a slide. Jeez-oh. A real mistake. Just over a mile away is a theme park which is obviously better and free to enter so I don't know why they thought it was a good idea.
Even if it had been free I know something and that is that it would have been a quick stroll. Maybe not even more than a minute. That is why I grudge paying for a short jaunt. I walked around it which was enough. The thing is I am walking further at the moment and noticing a change in problem. The emphasis has always been very much on where I cannot reach. Now that I am reaching the problem is staying there. Now it would seem doing nothing is harder that doing something.
How times change. Thinking back at my scorn it is ironic that I should be this way. I have a good friend I have not seen in many years. In our twenties we used to go to the pub at the weekend. It used to do my head in. Every time I was supposed to meet him I was left sitting on my own for up to half an hour. Some nights I would actually leave the pub and go down to his house to find him still sitting there. It annoyed me as I thought it was ignorant. And it didn't click when one night I didn't leave until half an hour after I said I would meet him and on the 15 minute walk to the pub I found him coming my way to meet me. It never occurred to me that not once on the hundred on times we had gone for a drink had I ever went into the pub to find him sitting there. It was only when I drove him to the hospital so he could use the cashline in there one night and he asked if I would come in with him that I realised it was actually a problem. It was a problem I just couldn't fathom. I refused saying I'd sit with the car running and he wasn't going to go in- did eventually. Turns out he couldn't stand being in places alone. To me that was not logical. How hard is it? How difficult to sit somewhere on your own as opposed to with someone else? What is the difference?
Some years later. I saw it again. I was having a drink (seems I was never out a pub) with my sister in law and her now husband. I went to the toilet and came back to find her agitated. She said she had just been about to leave. Her husband had gone off to withdraw some cash and because I was at the toilet that left her on her own in a pub. Even though she knew it would not be for long she could not stand it and got so agitated she really was on the point of leaving. Again I couldn't understand it. Again I asked myself: how hard is it? It made me think of my friend. In actual fact I have seen it a few times in my life. But I never thought I would be one of them.
I have been getting around a lot more and a lot further and I have wanted to make full use of it and push it if I can. My next objective is to find somewhere to go where I can stay for a while. There is though not much around the vaccinity. There are a few benches but not much fun on a wet day. There is the library but that would involve firstly joining which I am not ready for. There are no pubs nearby. :) There is a recreation centre that serves food which might be worth a try but its enclosed and dark and really not sure about that. There is though also the supermarket which has its own cafe. That is more appealing even if it is further. Its right at the entrance and therefore exit. Big windows make it bright. Yes more appealing.
So I went and I stood inside. There were about 4 pensioners spaced about looking up at me as you would when someone walks in. The tea, coffee and pay area was up the back. I stood and I looked. And I stayed staying and looking for about a minute and could feel the jitters starting and the restlessness kicking in. In my mind I knew I couldn't get something never mind then sit down with it for a bit. Already the fight or flight was kicking in and flight was the option being pushed. Run, run, get away, escape. That strong urge is hard to fight. Just couldn't do it so I turned and walked out.
Why? The questions I asked of those people I now have to ask myself. What is so difficult about sitting down in one place and doing nothing? How hard is it? Its not hard, is it? Why can't I do it? It frustrates the life out me so much I am determined to do it. I must do it. Sick of being beaten down by this. Its not even difficult. Well not for others. I just can't get my head around why I cannot just sit there without panicking.
OK. I guess I do know. When I sit that is when the mind starts to race. That is when contemplation turns to introspection and turns to panic. When I come to a stand still my mind starts to calculate where I am in relation to home and it always seems huge so alarm bells start ringing that I will not be able to make it home and must try to get there as soon as I can before the panic gets too bad.
I just can't do nuttin'. But I must learn to. With this realisation I have adopted a new role model thanks to the kids' endless run of TV programs. His name is Patrick.
For those who don't know this guy is Patrick Star, the self proclaimed expert in doing nothing. He is a master in the immobile arts. That is my goal- my wife would probably say I am already there. This though is different. Its from one of the Sponge Bob episode's where his cousin Stanley is trying to learn to do nothing...
- SpongeBob: Err... Maybe you're not scientist material. But don't you worry. I bet Patrick can help you! He's a genius! [at Patrick's house] And so, Mr. Star, that's why we came to you.
- Patrick: Looking for your calling, huh? [examines Stanley] Hmmm... So, what are you good at?
- Stanley: Nothing.
- Patrick: Nothing at all?
- Stanley: Yep.
- Patrick: Interesting. Let's see how good you are at nothing.
- SpongeBob: That's perfect! Patrick can do nothing better than anyone! [whispers in Stanley's ear] You'll be learning from the master!
- Patrick: Come with me. First, sit down on this chair. Clear your mind. Empty it off all thoughts... until you're doing... absolutely... nothing. [does nothing]
- Stanley: Clear my mind. Do nothing. [focuses on Stanley's difficulty to do nothing] I can't do it!
- Patrick: You're not worthy for instruction in the immobile arts. Leave my presence!
- Stanley: Can I try?
- Patrick: No! Not a word!
- Stanley: I can't even do nothing right.
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