Suspicious

"Suspicious". That doesn't look right- much like the photo (bloody camera lens!). Can't say why but just doesn't look right. Do you ever get that where a word doesn't look right but it is right. "Macabre" or "Naive" for example. I could list a few more but you get the point. Spelling has never been a strong point right enough. If you have read a couple of posts on this blog I am sure you already know its as good as my grammar. I remember a friend laughing one time at me putting down "presher" on scramble. I knew it didn't look right but I at the same time I couldn't at the moment think of any other way it could be spelled- or is that spelt.

Blogger doesn't help. Is the US dictionary default? I can't find any way to change it. Makes me doubt myself when I type "centre" or "realisation" or something else and get that red squiggling line under my typing telling me I have spelled (or spelt) it wrong. Makes me laugh how "blog" and "blogger" flag up as a misspelling too. Mmm..strange. It annoys me because it makes me question myself and I have a hard enough time with English as it is. Spelling is one thing. I do all the homework with the kids. The oldest came back last week with an English exercise where she had to fill in the blanks in sentances with either "Who's" or "Whose". That just about burst my head and I probably sent her in with wrong answers. Beyond me.

I am off in a tangent here. It was just when I typed the title it didn't look right and now another tangent if I may that has a tenuous link to do with suspicion and fear of authority. One of my pet hates living where I do is road crossings. No bugger seems to care- in a car. The amount of times, as I have noted more than once on here, that I have almost been run over at traffic lights is staggering. And not helped by recent ventures out in the evening where it seems the crossing don't work after tea time so in the dark I have had to play chicken with oncoming traffic in both directions. A bloody joke. The traffic lights I am talking about are fairly new and outside the old folk's home so I dare say for them to get to the supermarket safely and yet they don't work from about 6 onwards?

Anyway tonight I was coming back from the supermarket and this time right outside it had to cross a zebra crossing. Already dusk was passing into dark so basically all I could see was 3 pair of headlights coming my way. No chance I was risking it. The first car as expected flew right through. The second I had a bit more time with and was just about to cross when I realised I wasn't going to make it so had to jump back. Imagine my surprise and fury when as it passed I discovered it was a police car. Bloody arrogant twats! To be honest if I had known that prior I might have chanced it. The third car didn't look like it was going to stop but that the last minute braked and waved me over. I waved back as I always do. Why? I don't know. Its supposed to be there for predestrians.

Sidetracked more that a little so back to what I was going to say in the first place and the point of this post. I have been getting increasingly paranoid about my graduated exposure route to the point I am having to cut down the frequency walking it. But I should explain something that may be true for all agoraphobics or may not but is certainly the case with me- or at least how I feel.

Nerves, anxiety or whatever else you want to call it makes a person act differently. It can make them act in a way that some may think suspicious. Take for example if you are a security guard and someone comes into the shop looking very edgy, maybe rubbing their hands and eyes darting about then the next time you see them they are leaving at pace not long after they have come in. Suspicious? Well I suppose as its not normal. At time I used to think this standing in queues while I clawed at my neck and generally fidgeted and generally looking like someone who knew they had been up to know good and were about to get caught even though that was not the case.

I am feeling that way more and more because not only the panic makes me feel that way but because of going the same route over and over and stopping at a certain point. I go through the park and exit at a residential area and that as is far as I go. Yesterday during the day I felt a bit paranoid walking by people as I exited the park and then not long after walking back up behind them. At night I went again and self concious of this I kept slowing and stopping a good bit behind a man walking in front of me with a bag of shopping. It has to be remembered that this is virtually pitch black with a few dimly lit street lights and he must have heard the footsteps because nearing the exit he put down his shopping and turned staring back at me for about 30 seconds. Then he went on and I caught up with him at the exit and he just gave a look and walked off. And there I stood. Stood among houses on a quiet street dressed in black and a black hat on with a camera in my hand and felt it really wasn't right. I had to get away but just as I was thinking that a young girl walked past me to head through the park. The dark park. Could I walk all the way behind her? No so I had to stand on this street for a few minutes unable to go further but unable to go back. What a palava.

Today I returned there again determined now not to go in the dark to avoid these problems. I got to the park exit and took out the camera in time for a face to appear at a window staring. So I stopped. Put the camera away. Took out my statements and stood their like a fool reading them. I looked up briefly to see peering eyes staring back. So I put the words in my pocket, hung my head and walked back. The camera was a mistake- not in a residential area. Stupid mistake. Need to leave that alone until I am somewhere on my own like some times past.

So a bit of a adjusting and thinking to do. No walking there in the dark. No taking out the camera. 1984, bloody beyond a joke. Can't take the camera out but you can be run over by a police car or any other car for that matter or double park or graffiti in public or let your dog shit on the path or throw stones at passing cars or just about anything with the exception of getting your camera out in a public place. Do they think I am casing the joint? Were that so they better have a look at good street view where I can get 3D views and a aerial view of their home from the comfort of mine. I'm spouting off again.

Anyway, I think what I wanted to say was that I need to adjust. Need to do things less conspicuously. Try to be more natural. Accept that getting the camera out is not acceptable in public opinion. So the changes are at my end. And then I can be on my merry way. Walks are increasing and with that a greater freedom. Still very limited but I hope if I can keep pushing and keep working on this then I will be a natural and that should be enough to keep the eyes from peering in.