Point 8

Nah, don't worry. I won't bore you every post with thoughts on walks and graduated exposure. I just want to note when I reach I new level. Today I reached a new level. And it was worth noting. The furthest away from the home I have walked since I can remember- at the very least 5 years. That said its not much more than the previous post about graduated exposure but that is the point. Isn't it?

Honestly never thought I would get this far and again not sure firstly if I can get here again, secondly whether I can maintain that and lastly whether I can improve on it. But a week ago I reached point 7- if you don't know what I am talking about then I don't blame you but its all explained in that post last week. Not only did I get there but I managed to do it 4 days in a row. That got me thinking.

I have approached the graduated exposure the wrong way. There was no routine to it and this was because I did not want to restrict myself to this route. And nor do I need to. But what I realise now is that I have to do it every day. That is me reading things and no taking them in. That is what it says in the CBT books. You must repeat it regularly. Try daily. If you cannot do it then don't beat yourself up but at least try and keep trying. That I think is what I have been missing.

So in total before today I managed to get to point 7 on 5 ocassions in a week. That was the plan this morning. Well not the first plan. The first plan I has was to go to Greggs because I was starving and despite a queue I went in and bought some sandwiches after waiting in line. Its just as well I only had enough for the sandwiches- which were for lunchtime 3 hours later. I saw so much hot foot I wanted to eat and then there wer cream filled apple turnovers and doughnuts and all else. After that I decided to go to point 7 again if I could because I was feeling very fatigued and despite staying in the queue the anxiety doing so soon physically leaves its mark.

So off I went and as I approached point 7 I realised the ease with which I had passed point 6 and I think that spurred me on. Cutting a long story a little less long I got to point 8. Crap photo I know and the experiment to mask its inadequicies has made it look worse. The wee camera still fails but here too I was in a resedential area where taking photos is not the thing to do especially since its so close to the school. Yes so close to the school. A tenth of a mile away. Not close enough to see as its over the road and up a narrow lane but close.

For now it seems to be working and only time will tell if it does work to the full. I will only know if I can keep to the routine of trying to do this route at once a day and taking other routes the rest of the day as I please. No reason why I cannot as long as nothing non-anxiety related crops up and I say this as I feel the onset of another chest infection that I am trying to put out of mind as I push on.

What it has done though is started to give me a sense of belief. In the last past I was talking about going for a somewhere to sit with a cuppa. It was just a thought, an aspiration, but with very little belief I would do it. Even thinking about doing a little shopping at quiet times to begin with and get into another routine that way of getting out and doing things. Building slowly. Small steps lead to big journeys over time.

Hope. That is what it has done. Given me renewed hope for the first time in a long time. I also cannot forget the CBT in that regard. That with doing the practice as well as the theory is starting to make differences in my thinking. Still a long way to go and still I have these beliefs, or should I say strong doubts in myself, that hold me back but maybe each little victory however small is a little chip away at that doubt and through the merest of cracks hope is shining through. I am getting to places by walking past places I struggled to get to previously and this is leading to longer walks and more time out and hopefully an increase, however little, in fitness as well as confidence.

So good. I feel improvement and I hope in future posts to be able to report victories bigger than these that still feel small to me even though for all these years I could not do them were massive.