I've been doing my best to go out and walk again. In order to do so after a long lay off I have tried to be smart about it. I must confess though that tonight I have not gone for a walk and as I sit here at 20:50 struggling to keep my eyes open I can safely say tonight it won't happen. But I will be back on the ball tomorrow. I do not want to again go too long in between before the rot sets in again.
When I say I am trying to be smart I mean I am trying to give myself the best chance. So for the walks I have thought about the best time to go. When I wake my body is in knots and it takes the best part of the day to unravel them. So later seems best. Also at times I have a bad recovery after walking so it is best that happens later rather than having to endure it for most of the day. It is quieter then too and apart from the odd group of kids or drunk its a more pleasant time to go. So that is what I have been doing and once I am back in the rhythm of things again I will start going in the day too and at busier times.
To be honest I am surprised at how easy last night was. I managed to walk to the library which is a distance for me. Straight to it last night without a problem yet for many weeks at the begining I struggled to get there. So although physically I feel bad for the lay off it just goes to show my progress is not too far damaged. In actual fact only once in 22 weeks have I walked beyond that point which thus far is a one off.
The past two days have been very tough for me. I bring it on myself but for some reason just cannot help it but hopefully the next few days will be better. I have been looking after my 3 year old daughter and 11 month old son from 9:00 to 13:30. It feels longer and it is a bit because my wife leaves earlier than that and doesn't come home till well after that. Both days around 10:00 I've had a panic attack which I have luckily managed to keep in check but still not good. Mainly time and the feeling of being trapped constantly play on my mind while also the fear of having a bad attack while in charge of two young children with no help near at hand. For the rest of the week though my daughter is being picked up from nursery so it will for the most part just be me and the baby which should be easier- especially if he sleeps.
Those 5 hours roughly though seem to be taking it out of me and I think that is why I feel so tired tonight. Its not any effort but the mental exhaustion from continually fighting these thoughts in my head for that time really do take it out of me. On both days around 13:00 I have started to feel really awful in a way I find hard to describe but I now think that is tiredness. With my wife due in soon after I think my body around that time finally gives way to relax and the tiredness comes flooding in.
So I will be making a point of going out more and taking some photographs along the way to hopefully post. At the end of this week I will also start posting my weekly agoraphobia diary once again and see how I am progressing. Hopefully I will keep going forward once again.
