Livingston

Of late I have been talking a lot of flashbacks. Memories flashing and going but leaving a lingering impression in the fabric. Like my life flashing before my eyes over a long period of time. A different life almost foreign. From the place I grew up to places I went or places I worked or situations I just happened to wonder in to. Slowly I am crossing those off and they will never return because these flashes are from the long distant past and I am slowly bringing them to the recent past so they have no need to flash. They are sort of insignificant in a way. The pass quickly. They do not affect me adversely. They are not a problem. They are random, completely random. But I cannot help thinking they have a purpose. The purpose possibly is a lure. Maybe, not sure.

I was born in Glasgow and my first home  was in Glasgow but I was far too young to remember any of it. For most of my life I was brought up in Livingston and as far as memories go this is where it all began. But that span of memory is unlike most people's childhood, teenage years and beyond who like in one place all of that time. The surrounds changed. It was a new town, one of several, basically still being build as I grew up. I remember from small area and lots of grass to the large town it is now. It was build as a place to house the overspills from both Glasgow and Edinburgh and as such there was a strange mix of accent. Its a place I last visited 10 years ago on the day my gran was cremated and I left for the last time. At one time my gran, granda and uncle stayed in that house while I lived with my parents, brother and sister across the road. My gran had two sisters living in seperate homes nearby while my dad had a cousin and his family nearby two. When my gran died all that was left in the town was my brother in a rented flat and there was really no reason to return. All my friends had since moved on too- nearly all of them at least.

Its a place I have though over the past few years want to return to. Just to get it out my system. Just to stitch the random images together in my head and put it all together. Its something that has been well beyond my for a long time but on Sunday my wife suggested we take a drive there. As usual I said we could try but the chances are I would have to ask her to turn around when we got so far. And that is what I fully expected.

I did not expect to get there. I did not expect the photo above. At the time it felt very surreal and now it feels just as a surreal. In that photograph, though not clear, are my first home in Livingston (also pictured more clearly in the top image), my primary school, my high school and two of my children. Its like two different lives colliding. Its the sort of thing which at the time could have led me to panic but thankfully didn't. It just kind of numbed me. I actually felt a bit sad if I am honest. Life moves on and I think of the times spent there, lots of time there, and it has now all passed. It all passed a long time ago. The past and future in one image. My past and future.

We visited some places. We went to my gran's home, my parents home and i went into a pub I used to frequent which is all changed now. A guy standing having a fag at the door, I am still smoke free, saw how bewildered I looked when I could not work out where the bar was and so pointed me in the right direction. I paused for a bit and we stared at each other. Turns out we knew each other. Time makes strangers of us all. Noone inside the pub I knew on exploring so I left not long after I had arrived.

In the end my wife decide on getting a chippy for the kids to eat on the way home. I was shocked by how I could not remember where any were and how I could not work out how to get from one place to another. So much lost over the years. Shocking really. I finally remembered one and we went there. While waiting there I phoned my brother and we arranged to drop in and see him. Because the kids were eating though we just hung about at the car.

It was not the last either. At last we left and on the way home my wife suggested we drop in on my sister. She was working though but I got to see my niece and nephew and brother-in-law. Then it was to my parents house and it says a lot that when I chapped the door and my mum answered it took at least 5 seconds for her to register who it was. I have not been there in 10 years. And there I was again.

I could go on. So many boxes ticked and a line under a few things. I know I don't need to go back to Livingston any time soon. It is done. And I am happy it is is done. Its one niggly agitation I can remove from the background. I know those flashbacks won't return for there at least. Now I just have to tackle the others. It could be their purpose is indeed to take me out into the world again and reconnect with it.