Don't worry. I won't mention every passing minute as if its a landmark but did want to just say at midday today I reached one week since my last cigarette. By rights I should have more energy and do appear to. My breathing should also be better but it is not. Whether that is because I am blocked up still or fatigued I don't know but my breathing has been really bad. That said it has not stopped me putting in a lot of miles and maybe that is why I feel so breathless. The worst thing of all though is toothache. Its really weird and not in a good way but about 8 hours after my last cigarette I started to get toothache. And this has continued and at times is agony. It would seem unrelated and may be but something is niggling at me. I googled and found I am not the only ever to have toothache after quitting. If they had told me about that I honestly might have thought twice until I could at least visit a dentist.
Now this is a big problem. Its getting so bad I cannot help but put off the inevitable and at the same time know I cannot do it: see a dentist. Or at least that is what I thought. The world and I have changed. The last time I had to go to a dentist was 2003. I said to my wife I may have to at least register with her dentist and she said I would be lucky. Why? There is probably a waiting list. What? A waiting list, you may have to wait. So what if the pain is agony? Am I supposed to suffer? She said I'd probably have to go to hospital and get an extraction or whatever there. So not good. I had no problems in the past but she told me that was because I paid in the past and now I am NHS its different. So many worries over that. Being a smoker, or ex, and not a regular to the dentist I of course fear what a dentist will find. I know my mouth is in a mess so am also embarrassed. And on top of all that I can barely sit in the waiting room never mind have work done on the chair. For now its back to burying my head in the sand in the hope that if I get to that desperate stage then the desperation will see me through even if there is a massive mental fallout after.
It has therefore been difficult as this problem dominates my mind. Something though tells me there is more to it. I had pain nearly all week in my right nostril in the lead up to quitting and as well as being blocked up since my right ear is sore and feels like it could be ear infection. So many problems and I try to put them out of my mind so I can get on. And I am doing it to some extent. I keep pushing myself. This morning for example I found myself standing in a small gym hall at the school for 10 minutes surrounded by children and parents. Its the primary 7 school trip and my oldest child was leaving for 5 days- at quite a cost. It wasn't as hard to say goodbye as we thought it would be. There were alot of mothers crying and upset but we were not feeling it and I think there is a reason for it. I have noticed most people around my way have family around them- grandparents, uncles, aunts and all that. For this reason they are not used to their children going away for a long spell. My wife's family and my family all live far away. We are on our own here but when the kids have gone away its usually been for the best part of a week so we are used to it. Anyway I managed to stay through the whole waiting to leave thing and eventually waved them off.
Later we were out in the car to take things to the tip. We got there to find the tip was closed due to some safety issue and instead had to drive quite a bit away to the only other tip we knew of. That done we decided to have a drive while we were out. I suggested we go to Hamilton because at some point I will have to go there soon as that is where the job centre is. I had planned to try getting out in the middle of town but the toothache flared to the point I just wanted to go home. My wife then managed to talk me into going to the big shopping centre there which is on two floors. I had not been there in over 10 years. I was reluctant only because I was in so much pain but then I thought the pain might actually distract me enough to get through it or the shop might distract me from the pain or I might as well try it as I can pull out at any time and my wife would understand.
It had all changed from my last visit there. In my head at least. It was two floors and I said that I didn't remember that to my wife and she said that is because when I was last there it was only one floor. We did a shop and I didn't feel the urge to run. At the frozen food section I was suddenly aware the toothache had gone. I checked my phone for the time. Noted that once again the really intense pain had lasted an hour and a half. There is some pattern to this. I don't know what but there is a pattern. I will work it out.
My wife finally headed for the checkout. I knew where I had to go. I had to go upstairs. I could not go in there and avoid the upper floor. So I told her and went. Escalators. I have not been on one of those..well, long time. There I was going up and feeling weird but not as weird as coming down for some reason as there was little grip and it seem to make you walk down at the same time. I wondered the perimeter of the upstairs taking in the electronics, cafe and other sections. I then took a photo from the top. All good. Calm and pain free. If there was no toothache these would be very good times. Its never that simple.
A strange old day. Saying goodbye to the present in the morning and later saying hello to the distant past. I seem to be getting there. I am going places that not so long ago I never thought I would ever get to again.
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