Cigarettes

Vices. We all have them or at least most of us do. Most don't like talking about them while some are only too happy to. My own are cigarettes. I have gone a long time on this blog now avoiding the subject and given that breathing issues are one of the biggest factors in my panic attacks that has been a difficult secret to keep. I have though mentioned it at times in the past but not much. Its not a subject I wanted to raise because like most smokers I am embarassed by a stupid addiction I cannot get on top of.

Smokers are not stupid. They are not any more stupid than other addicts. Whether it be nicotine, heroin, alcohol, chocolate or whatever the person knows the negatives but cannot help ignoring them. Smokers know the huge financial cost, the terrible health risks and all the other negatives. But they cannot help themselves- they are addicts. The nicotine cravings demand that more most be inhaled regardless of the cost or consequences. Its about the short term fix regardles of the long term loss.

It is also my opinion that smokers are treated differently from other addicts- with more contempt. The alcoholic for example doe not have to drink from a can or a bottle carrying a picture of an addled liver or the vitctim of a drink drive fatality or any negatives linked to that addiction.  Fast food addicts don't need to see the dangers of obesity.  I could go on but I won't. And smokers generally beat themselves up more, or at least as equally, as addicts of other substances so take a double hit. For example if I go to the local cafe in the morning for a cup of tea I will see the same overweight people who are always there at nine in the morning eating a greasy full English with a side plate of toast and later at lunchtime coming out the bakers with steak bakes, pies and cakes. No one seems to want to shock them  into a healthier life style. In fact even if you are not overweight I feel most people are poorly informed about healthy eating- myself included. Anyway that is not what I was wanting to talk about in this post.

There was a time I wanted to stop smoking. I tried patches. There were at the time two different makes. One was a no go as I tried it one day and actually had a bad dizzy turn that sent me tumbling to the ground and as I was there on my knees my head was still spinning. Despite people being about I pulled off my jacket and jumper and ripped the patch off my arm. Less than a minute later I felt fine. The other make of patch was better but still I spent long spells really breathless and feeling like my ribs were being crushed. The longest I went with them was 3 days and thought I might be getting somewhere. But coming home from work one night my car engine blew, I had to cruise home with smoke belching out the bonnet and when I finally got home I dumped the car, went to the shops and bought a bottle of wine and fags. Since those days I have tried mints and various electronic alternatives. Nothing works and so I gave up trying. I resigned myself to being a smoker for life. To be honest I was relieved. Deep down I enjoy smoking and did not want to give it up.

The post of myself having a cigarette is there for a reason. That was earlier today before noon. At 11:58 I finished that cigarette and declared myself an ex-smoker. Am I confident? I have to be honest and say no. I am 43 years old and started smoking when I was 19. 24 years of smoking and because I am have not been working and because I am in all day I have been smoking 40 cigarettes a day. I would never have admitted that until today but this is all part of the process. How can I go from 40 cigarettes a day to none and never smoke again? At the moment I have no proof I can. I just know that without NRT or will power I have gone over 5 hours without a cigarette, have no cravings and feel I will never smoke again. I find new challenges alone the way. Even today that first cuppa without a cigarette was in my head a challenge. Its so routine. It was no problem. Others will be after a meal, first thing in the morning, coming back from being out and all those others which I don't even register and do instinctively. So how have I gone so long without any cravings and starting to become convinced I will never smoke again from 40 a day?

It was by chance. As I said I had no wish to quit. I would never have tallied up the cost but have since and I am spending roughly £80 a week and over £300 a month. That is quite phenomenal. You may think there is no way I could not know it was that high but I honestly did not because I did not want to know. I did not care of the health risks because I had convinced myself there was actually no proof and look at the likes of my uncle who is nearing his 70s smoking more than me and drinking whiskey every day is never ill and still going strong. And as I said I enjoyed it. I was on a football forum and reading through the off topic area because there are usually lots of funny posts there when I stumbled upone someone asking for help to quit smoking. I read through it just out of interest but with no desite to stop. A number of people suggested the book "Easy Way" by Allen Carr. It started to prey on my mind. Could someone just stop by reading a book? It intrigued me so much that I downloaded it to my Kindle and that has led to having that final cigarette today.

Well sort of.  I have to be honest and say it was probably over 6 months ago I downloaded the book and this time was probably my 4th attempt at reading have bailed out the previous 3 times. To be honest reading it I was not convinced. Some things annoyed me and others made me wonder if it was all the work of yet another egomaniac self help guru- of which there are plenty. I mean for example the book continually says it won't patronise you by going over the health risks and telling you what you already know because it doesn't work and that is why people smoke more on no smoking day and all the rest. Yet the biggeest chapter in the book by some way is exactly that. Its a contradiction which annoyed me enough to stop reading and not he only one.  But I think more than that I was looking for excuses to give up on the book. Any excuse not to have to stop smoking. The great thing about reading the book is it tells you to continue smoking while you do. So I was more than happy taking my time to the point where this last attempt at reading the book took nearly 4 weeks when it should have been done in a couple of days at most.

And after smoking that final cigarette I would say I had 1% belief I would not smoke ever again. I fully expected to crumble within an hour and getting beyond an hour would be torture. In the past 5 years or more the longest I had gone without a cigarette, apart from sleeping, was 2 hours and that was a few times in the past few years when out for drives and staying out the home for 2 hours without fags. At the moment I have gone 5 hours. I feel it may be bad luck to post this so soon when I have such a long road ahead but also feel a need to.