I don't know why I thought it would be so easy, the first part at least. A two part plan where the first part didn't need planning and the onus was on part 2. And part one was done. It was dark and I was sitting in the car in the car part of the shopping centre barely giving the shops much of a glance. I hadn't even taken the seatbelt off and nor had I taken my specs off which indicated there and then that part two was a no go. I was shaking. I couldn't stop it. And if truth be told I was that way before I even opened the car door. It took me back to my first drive after my big panic attack, exactly the same. I can't even remember the last time I drove but for some reason I thought it would be fine. It wasn't. Despite being defeated before even getting in the car I pushed through the panic and drove the short distance to the shopping car park. So there I was shaking and with the sole single repeated thought of alarm that I had to get the hell out of there and the quicker the better. So much for staying with panic. Everywhere I looked there were people sitting in cars looking back. Reminded me of the first chapter in a novel I wrote of a guy on a bus and not being able to escape the stares where even trying to look out of windows he suddenly realised he was facing someone's reflection. So I legged it. Empty handed and full of frustration, guilt and panic.
Why the hell did I put myself through that, last night? Well today is our 9th wedding anniversary and I needed flowers and a card. Me being me I left it to the last minute thinking I could just wing it and I couldn't. I was like a bear with a sore head after. So pissed off and full of guilt. This morning I had to sit and recieve a card and a jumper and a kiss full of guilt. "Where is your card?" asked my oldest daughter. I struggled to speak. Later, was all I could say. Last night I found the only thing I could do was get on to Interflora and spend money we don't have but it had to be done. So the wife was over the moon to recieve the bouquet above at work but the guilt didn't leave me. Failure, big stupid failure. And then I thought: what about the card?
Well that was something else still missing. I couldn't got out and get one- though I did contemplate another futile attempt but given the panic last night and more of the same this morning I decided not to compound matters. The neighbour was in downstairs and I did think about asking a favour but that would be as hollow as getting it from Moonpig. So I decided to make one. Took me a while and thankfully the ink had not run dry on the printer. Not the best of attempts but its there in the middle above and more personal as I put my own words in it. The wife was overjoyed even though it didn't come in an envelope. And all is well for now but with mother's day approaching and her birthday soon after I am going to have to plan more in advance this time around.
