A really foggy start to the week. A mist covering the town which is no bad thing- be great if it stayed, but it didn't. Certainly good for me which probably says a lot about self consciousness. I felt fine out and about in it. Easier to take photos too without attracting too much attention.
The kids finally got their scooters out. The girls were like a duck to water but the boy was more like a stone. He was bobbing up and down going nowhere quick and finally falling sideways. I wanted to get a pic of him from behind and the fog ahead. Unfortunately that was hard with my wife having to constantly help him. So not the best pic but will have to do.
As you can no doubt tell from the pics I am still not getting out much. A bit of a worry but I am trying to let that go. The problem with keeping records is that they are great to illustrate progress but also a reminder when things are going the wrong way. I have noticed that my longest walks have been dropping by 2 miles every year and this year I am still under half the distance I was doing last year. No point in obsessing over it though or trying to push on when I am not ready. They should come good in their own time. They usually do. Just have to keep making the effort to go out each day and see where it takes me.
Its a funny old thing, well not that funny. A person not in this position wouldn't understand it. They most likely think I am at home with not much to do and then comes time to go for a walk and I just can't be bothered. Not the case. Before I even go out is a fight with the mind. Will I feel crap after it? Its early in the day and if I have adverse effects, as is more common these days, I have all day to put up with them. Then I am out and trying to stop tensing up and trying not to go to quickly. Constantly reminding myself. And I get so far. I look ahead. Can I get there? Yes. But I'm not going there. Whether I can get there is not the issue. Whether I can get there, back and back home is the issue.
The agoraphobic mind, my own at least, makes distances bigger than they are. That thought from where I am in relation to home kicks the anxiety up a few notches. Enough to send me packing with shaky legs and breath shortening. Enough to make it feel physical and add more anxiety and tension. Were it all to stop there it would be OK but I get in and sometimes I feel terrible for a good time after. Its not in relation to distance or even apparent anxiety. I've had times where short distances have got me in panic and when I came home have quickly recovered but there have been times when I have done long distances without too much anxiety and came home with a smile only to have a torrid time thereafter. There is no continuity to and as such has me constantly on guard and therefore apprehensive.
There "after affects" are not new but they are not something I had experienced for a couple of years- not as often as this at least. It comes I think from a long lay off after the festive period. This is how it was in the beginning. For a good time I was housebound. Even putting the bin out the back was an ordeal. It was like in a film. I would tensely slide out the door and the world outside felt unreal. It was as it was but maybe a little out of focus and askew. I could feel my heart pounding and struggled with hyperventilation just going around the back of the house. Pure fight or flight. And as I finally managed to get out firstly just to the end of the street I started to find things physically as well as mentally difficult despite the short distance. It took somewhere between 6-9 months just to finally manage to get around the block, just over a third of a mile. The stumbling block for many months was halfway which when I reached it whether I came clockwise or anti-clockwise always seemed so far away in my head. And it was the point in where the road home changed from where I had come from to where I was going to. That was the stumbling block. Taking that mental leap. It took me a long time and even when I finally did it it was still difficult for well over a month after. Even though by then I realised it actually wasn't as far as I thought.
But from there I managed to push out further slowly. It was more a cases of back and forward. A kind of shuffle. And sometimes I would be going back and feeling terrible and at others feeling better and moving forward. The reason I say all this is that during this time I used to get these after effects all the time which made me choose to go for walks later in the day and they were the sole thing holding me back. The walk was never as bad as what I had to deal with after. But as time went on these happened less and less until a time when they were so infrequent they were no longer a concern.
And I can sort of see why. I was housebound for probably 6 months. That is half a year of very little physical activity. As well as having to deal with the mental aspects of my agoraphobia I also had physical issues too due to being inactive for so long. So it took my body a while to adjust. I didn't understand it at the time but I tend to forget I am not a teenager any more. If I had been then I don't think there would have been any physical issue. But there was. And now there is. This times its from a long lay off. The chest infection at the end of last year stopped me walking for over a week and I found it tough to get going again. And not long after I struggled in resuming Christmas came and it was a further 2 weeks without any walks at all. So the body is once again trying to get used to the exercise again and if I am wise and do it gently it will get used it. I just have to be patient.
The kids were on holiday from Thursday, and continue to be, so it made for a long stressful time at the end of the week. The usual. Constant griping and fighting and crying and all else. Just never stops. No amount of rows deters them. Just like caged animals restless in this little home for too long a time. I'll be glad to see them go back as much as they are looking forward to going back. Not their fault they see Mr Grumpy as their dad without understanding its Mr Anxious.
Trying a lot this week to look forward and stop looking back. Noticing my mind keeps taking me places that are gone and cannot be changed and lingering on them. From the moment I wake. So trying to free myself of those thoughts which are in themselves tiring and of no use to anyone unless you are a masochist. I wish I was as this would all be great fun.
It continues to be a slow start to the year with not much to blog about to be honest but it will change. The cold up here doesn't want to go away. The car remains effectively off the road. Walks are still up at a constant level without going beyond. Change is what I need. And that is what I am trying to do but I will leave that hopefully if it all works out and I can keep to it. Again looking back is just full of dark things I cannot change now but I can change the now and if I can do that it will change the future. As always hope for the future remains foggy but given time fog always clears.
