It was only 45 minutes earlier than usual but it was enough to panic me. Bloody time related anxiety is frustrating me. I see it for what it is but cannot seem to help myself panicking. The boy's birthday, Monday 30th. I was holding the video camera with the arm shaking and in panic. Two thoughts: I need to get out of here and there is nowhere to go. Around and around and around. Simple fight or flight. So much of this nowadays. I had it on Christmas morning too. I need to get myself out the habit.
But I was already primed for panic after visits on the Saturday and Sunday as I said in my last post. Thankfully two days of visits doesn't happen that often. So it was a tough morning when the kids were off to school and further adrenaline from morning panic when the phone rang and my dad was on the other end. A simple call: I'll be through in an hour. Three days of visits is unheard of but that is what I got. And the one with my dad was the worst. Nothing to do with him but just so happened he was the third one. I just really struggled to keep it together and twice had to leave the room before returning which didn't get noticed. Really struggled.
Its all internal. I panic because I slip into internal dialogue. Its where mindfulness may help me because I spend too much time internally that being forced to participate in the real world brings panic and not being able to escape that keeps the panic cycle going. But when I am connected with the real world again as usually happens after half an hour or so the panic subsides and only returns in fleeting threats which I can mostly fend off.
Anyway, as I said it was the boy's birthday and the rest of the day was much better. He was spoiled and over the moon with all things Mario. Above pictured with his Mario cake wearing the Luigi outfit my parents bought him. He wouldn't take it off and even wanted to wear it to bed. And as hard as I found the visits I am glad that he and the girls got to see their relations over a three day period.
