That was a bit of a shock to be honest. The CBT course I was doing has worked like magic without a doubt and my only regret was that I did not find it sooner. I speak in the past tense because I did stop doing it as things started to fall into place. I probably will go back to it but as I started getting out more and feeling more confident I know longer felt the need to keep doing it. Don't get me wrong I still have a long way to go but for me it was not about more learning but experience. It was about taking what I learned into the real world. That remains the case. Tonight I had the need to look back at a goal which was on hold and expected to find it was left in limbo last year- at most. To my utter surprise it has been left nearly 2 years. For many minutes I could not get my head around that. How could I do three steps and then do nothing for almost 2 years?
The goal was a train ride using graduated exposure and previously I had covered a post outlining my goal and then completed three of the eight steps...
08/09/13: Outline- detailing 8 steps from getting to the train station to a return journey.
09/09/13: Step 1- Walk halfway to the train station.
13/09/13: Step 2- Walk to within sight of the train station.
16/10/13: Step 3- Sit at the train station and wait.
And that is how it has stayed. Step 3 took a lot of time to do but in the time since that post I have walked down there many times. Its strange looking back to see how hard that first step was but it was. I think by the time I had done step 3 though I knew the next step I knew I would eventually do the 4th step and did but never beyond that. 4th was to walk about on the platforms on both sides. When I did that I did not even note it never mind post about it as I had abandoned any notion of traveling by train as I just could no do it.
Yesterday though I went out for a walk and as has been happening a lot of late I was struggling to think of where to go. I have covered so much that its all gotten a bit boring now. So I had a thought that came out of the blue. Well not quite out of the blue actually now that I think about it. I had been out walking with my son last week and wondering where to go and while we were out I was looking at the map on my phone when I noted a train station in Hamilton I did not know about. My final goal with the graduated exposure in 2013 had been to go to Hamilton and back. Hamilton Central that is. I didn't realise there was also a Hamilton West which was inbetween. Perfect. I thought I could mybe walk there but after a mile of walking and seeing I was only halfway there I gave up. Last night though on a whim I decided to just go for it. 2 miles away. I knew that was a long way for me to walk in one direction away from home- even now. And I knew the chances are I would not walk back and so would either have to call my wife in the hope she could collect me or get on the train. It turned out to be a bad idea but I did it. Something though I knew I would not be repeating any time soon.
There was more than one reason why it was a bad idea. Straight off just walking 2 miles from home was going to fatigue me because I knew the growing worry would make me tired and breathless. And that was the case. I felt almost ill when I got to the train station and not just because of the walk but because of the prospect of getting on a train for the first time in over 10 years. So that was all bad. And panic went into overdrive as I suddenly realised I did not want to get on the train, I had got myself into too much of a state to walk home and I did not want to bother my wife- I needed to do this alone. There was though no time to think. I had just arrived on the platform when the train came. I moved to a door but it never opened- later my wife told me I had to press a button. Another door was open with people going through. I wanted to wait but was shaking so much I knew I could not wait. I walked quickly to the other door and got on. No way back. Whatever happened I was going on a train.
It was all wrong though as I said. On top of the reasons I have given the journey was so short I had no time to allow the panic to come down. And by leaving the scene with panic at a high level I was doing more harm than good as that would be the emotion relived the next time I contemplated getting on a train again. That is what happened. I was sitting on the train and the view I had planned to take in whizzed by without me seeing it as I dumped change on a table and struggled to pick it up. While I was doing this again the clock watching the conductor approach I was trying to breath and stop the shaking. It was an ordeal and I got off just glad to be off. There was no sense of elation. I knew the consquences.
So getting on a train would again would be difficult? Yes. Today I sat shaking again and struggling with my breathing and getting overly annoyed at a little boy crying and getting impatient to get the journey over. Not on a train though. We were in fact on a tram. Over 10 minutes we waited on this old tram at Summerlee Industrial Museum. And when we got going and about a minute late we came to the terminus I felt very stupid. It helped though. We didn't get on the tram again but it was not for lack of trying- we just kept missing it. For over two hours we spent the time walking about the mining museum. My wife and two of the kids even went underground but I didn't fancy that. I was content to walk about in the rain with my youngest daughter. It was a good day.
Where it helped though was tonight. I decided to go out tonight with a very clear plan in mind. The original graduated exposure plan had 8 steps and I had done the first 4 and effectively the 5th by getting on a train. Tonight I could not be bothered doing any of the inbetween and instead go straight to the final step. I walked to my local train station and bought a return ticket to Hamilton Central. I waited, got on the train and went. As I expected to begin with it was as bad as yesterday. When I got off however there was hardly an ounce of anxiety. The plan had been to walk over the bridge and come straight back home. I felt so well though that I decided to go for a walk about and so I did. Finally I was back at the station, train home and then a walk home. All good. This is what I mean about not really needing to do the CBT any more. I know what to do so now its just the doing it and repeating it and trying to accept the anxiety until it eases off forever. And one day it will ease off forever.
Lastly a few pics from Summerlee Industrial Museum which was a great day out. It centres mainly around mining, iron works and steel works but also has a whole host of other things of interest from the past. The thing I really enjoyed was the miner's cottages. There were two rows of these with one being an old set and one being newer. Each cottage was themed on a certain decade and although it meant nothing to the kids I really enjoyed the ones from he last centuary. Lots to see and only the tram cost any more which was a small amount at that. A great day out despite the constant rain.
2 comments:
I can well imagine the panic - a lot like me when I am confronted with meals out. The thing that spurs me on is that every time I get into a situation I hate, I tell myself, I did not die, I am still here and it is only my brain playing tricks with me. I tell that brain to bugger off and bother someone else. It is NOT going to defeat me. I think you have done extremely well from where you were a year ago. Onwards and upwards!
Thank you Addy. I am coming around to that way of thinking too. In the moment of panic it feels like there is no way out but as you said its worth reflecting afterwards. I am also starting to tell myself beforehand to expect a hard time in the knowledge that it will be easier next time and that if its not a difficult time then its a bonus.
Cheers
Rab
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