Perth

(The pub where I met my wife)

Three years ago I made a series of posts which were diary entries I had written over a number of years. Singles days spanning 10 years. There were 5 in all covering 1998, 2000, 2004, 2006 and 2008. The reason for them was,  I think, I was looking for some sort of sign of what went wrong. In the 1998, 2000 and 2004 entries I was fine. No problems at all. In 2006 I appeared fine but I was not. The road to anxiety disorder had already started the year before and it slowly worsened. By 2008 I was all but housebound.

I decided to revisit the 2006 entry again but to be honest the post says very llittle. It was a year I remember well and probably more clearly than some of the more recent years. I wrote the entry in August and by then I'd been redundant for just over a year. I had a 3 year old and 1 year old little girl. I'd been having problems for over a year and they seemed to be worsening. I was convinced I was ill but trips back and forth to the GP could find no problems despite rapid weight loss. But for most of the year I could at least travel. I'd had panic attacks by then but was not agoraphobic. In November 2005 we had our first (and although I did not know it at the time it turned out to be our last) family holiday to Loch Lomond where we stayed in a log cabin for 5 days. In April  2006 we christened our daughter in Perth, 60 miles away, but because I was having problems I insisted on a small affair involving only me, my wife, my daughter, the priest and two godparents- my wife's sisters. I'd also been up to Perth at Christmas, new year and in March for my sister-in-law's 40th birthday party. In July I left Scotland for the last time (again I did not know it at the time). My niece's christening in Manchester and again with problems I sat at the back of the church near the exit with my daughter in my arms using her crying as an excuse. I remember someone kindly gave up their home for us to stay in. In August I was back up to Perth again because my inlaws were away for 2 weeks holiday and my wife decided it would be better being up there in a big house and large garden than a pokey little flat with no garden. She was right. But I had problems up there too. I was finding I could only walk so far before I would get out of breath and anxious and have to go back home. I remember going on my own to a pub to watch a football game and sitting at the bar on a stool praying that no one would come up and talk to me. But the panic got so bad I first sat outside to finish the bottle of beer and then when the panic was not going I just left.

For a long time I thought that was the last time I was in Perth. Perth was a place I lived and worked for a number of years incidentally. It was as much a home as my current one and where I was brought up. Near the end of 2006 I went out one day relatively OK and came back housebound. What I forgot about in between was that I had been up to Perth one last time- my wife reminded me on Sunday night. And I forgot that when I left I was full of hope. It was September 2006 and my mother-in-law had turned 70 so we were all up for a party. We had gone up on the Saturday for the party, stayed overnight and left on the Sunday. At the end of the party on of the family's friends had to get up and she is in a wheelchair. So with the inlaws I volunteered to push and strangely I found I had no problems. A distance I had struggled to walk I was covering no problem while pushing a wheelchair. I was not out of breath. I put it down to the alcohol but I felt good the following day. I was positive in my own mind that the breathing problems were in my head. On reflection now I think the alcohol was dulling the fear and it was the fear making me anxious and out of breath. So I left in a positive mood not knowing I would never return. It was either the October or November that I went to the hospital with my wife one day, left her to go in and had a full blown panic attack which left me agoraphobic thereafter.

In 2015 I have done a lot. I went on a bus for the first time and I have gone to lots of new places. Getting to the place I grew up and also getting to where my parents live were massive achievements I never thought I would ever do again but I have got there. Its taken a long time but I don't mind as for the most part I never thought I ever would. Perth though has not even been on the radar. Its just too far. Perth is more than just another place for me. Its a place of happy memories. I loved living there and enjoyed working there. I was married there and celebrated my engagement there before that. My kids were christened there- I was there for the first two but could not attend the boy's christening. Its not just the memories either. Its the place my wife takes the kids of key dates. Its why I spend Easter and Christmas on my own. Its the reason why in summer I will spend at least a week alone. Its so much more than a place.

And yet I got there. I never thought I would and especially not after what happened at Dunblane but somehow I got there. We were actually on the way to Dunblane. That was the plan on Sunday night. We had packed warm clothes in the boot so I could wrap up this time if needed. As we approached Dunblane my wife suggested Perth. No. Too soon. As I sat there though it was a mental tug of war. The usual fight about pushing and fear of overdoing it and setting myself right back. So after a minute or two I suggested we could stay on the motorway and turn back when I felt too anxious. My wife was OK with that. She drove and she talked- do you remember that or look out for that. The distance to Perth all the while came down from 30 plus to single figures and then we were there. She took me past my old work, by my old flat and finally we ended up at her parents house 9 years after the last time.  Not just that but as my wife also pointed out the first time I had ever been in their house with my 7 year old son.

It was quite a thing. I would say it was not easy but it was never going to be. I wanted to leave as soon as I got in but after about 20-30 mins the adrenaline stopped pumping. I was walking from room to room remembering the past. I was out in the garden. My father-in-law had greeted me with a malt he had gotten for father's day. I also managed to fix their DVD player which had been out of use for a long time. It was so good. Everyone seemed happy- even the kids.

Its more though than an achievement. Its a possibility. We could not stay long as we had not planned to go and so it was near 21:30 when we got there with an hour's drive back home and my wife working first thing in the morning. I was really happy though that when I left I was not asking to leave. I did not even want to go if I am honest. And here is the possibility. I was actually thinking I could stay. If my wife was not working we could stay the night and return home in morning. That is a thought that has not crossed my mind for the best part of a decade. Not only that but I have been thinking of so many possibilities since. Staying overnight at a travel inn or a short break again at Loch Lomond with the family. Possibilities are there. Going places and returning to work. Its like another door has been opened.