This week I turned forty. Not memorable for so many reasons. Feeling really ill now and starting to get worried. Apart from fevers, cold shivers, burning up and all the rest I am very chesty. Its the lurgy. But I worry more that its moving into a chest infection. Horrendous coughing fits in which I am struggling to get a breath and therefore panicking. Really not good at all.
So the last thing I needed was visitors. It being a big birthday though how could I turn people away. But I really was not up to it. Feeling as shit as I have felt for a long time and lots of worry over that I was in no frame of mind for people with visitors. I think I would have crawled to bed and gone to sleep if I had known that seven hours of my fortieth birthday were to be filled with visitors.
A scene from the day. The day I was dreading. Not because I was saying goodbye to my thirties and a reluctant hello to my forties but because of visitors. The type deep down I want to visit but this bloody anxiety won't allow me to. My mum, my sister, her kids and my inlaws. Everyone who came, everyone who didn't and my own little family were all very generous: beers, sweets, a cover for my kindle, a hoody top and lots of money because I'd asked for that primarily in my bid to save for a new camera. A proper camera. One with changing lenses and lots of options. Still undecided. Obviously DSLR is the way to go for picture quality but I'd drawn to CSC for their size and the fact I would walk about with one without looking like a tourist.
Lots of anxiety. Plenty of the horrible derealisation where I felt I was watching everything from the sidelines, shudder. Got through it though. And it didn't help that I am so damned ill still. Just can't shake this thing. I think a call to the doctor is imminent because its getting worse.
Now I am in my forties. There I said it. Hope they are better than my thirties which is a conflicting thing to say because I worked for half of that decade of my life, got married, went on holidays, had friends, travelled and best of all my three kids were born. Just the anxiety clouding it all.
Drinking lots of black tea with honey and a slice of lemon. An attempt to get rid of this cough and ease the throat. Not sure it is doing much at all but I keep taking it. All delivered in a 'Mr Grumpy' cup which was my daughters' idea. With good reason of late too. Of all the Mr Men they decided that is who I was. Children say what they feel. It says a lot and I cannot disagree with them. Ive got a much shorter fuse nowadays.
The weather has been much the same. On a walk with the boy which turned out to be my last of the week- on Tuesday. There goes maintaining my walks. I was on schedule the first two days of the week covering two and a half miles. Ahead of schedule even but I then found I just couldn't go out feeling so ill. So I am frustrated. If it was just laziness I could pick them back up this week but I won't as this illness is not improving any.
