On ice

 

Life for now feels like its on ice. The world outside is a skating rink and I fear broken bones and cut chins and all other injuries with its tractionless flooring just waiting to break people in two. So I went to the pub. What! Shock horror. Why am I going to the pub when I cannot work? Benefit scrounging scum getting boozed up on the Goverment's tab! I suppose that is how most will look at it. Truth is I don't get out and my wife and I also never have any kind of social time together. When I started getting better a couple of years ago we started going to the pub for something small to eat and a couple of drinks. At most an hour and a half while the kids were at school. And only once a fortnight and sometimes not even that. I cannot go to the pubs I once did just a few years ago as even they are out of my comfort zone. Thankfully there is a Miner's Welfare not to far away. Not far away at all but still it caused me mental torture today. I should say this is the first time I have gone out this year to anywhere. That is how long it as been. And because of that it was a nightmare.

I wasn't going to go. You have no idea what its like to want something but not want it because of the baggage it brings. Did I want to sit at home as I do 99% of the time or go to a pub, have something to eat and be around people? No brainer. I told my wife I couldn't go because every time I thought about it panic spilled over. She was not best pleased of course. Finally I had to have some Dutch courage in the shape of a dram. So much guilt with that sitting at one in the afternoon sipping a malt. It barely helped. I decided to go and it was pure panic for 20-40 minutes. I had a pint of lager and the anxiety started to drop. That was not the alcohol but the adrenaline finally dying down. We had two drinks and an egg roll each. We caught up as life passes us by as a couple. We finally relaxed. I actually got to enjoy the second lager. And as always after that I was so relaxed I really wished to stay longer as I felt almost normal being out of that living room with the same 4 walls and relaxed. Not to be. We time it so I have to get the boy straight after and that is mainly because that 90 minutes is a luxury which we cannot afford to extend whether we wanted to or not. I am hoping its not the last because the next time would be easier if its soon but again finances may mean its a few weeks before that can happen.

Why does that make me feel so guilty? Why should I not have a taste of some sort of enjoyment? I feel tremendous guilt putting it out there. It is what it is. I would love to work from home and do that without the guilt but I just cannot find the work to do. I have skills and I have equipment and appetite but cannot find the work. I have lots to give including a desire to be self sufficient but I don't have the means to travel far and stay out long. Maybe I was born at the wrong time as I think in decades to come we will all work from home where its possible as it makes sense to save on running a workplace which is not required. In fact lots of people work from home nowadays but you have to be in a workplace first. Maybe something will come up.