Back to the loch

Yesterday with the kids at school we decided to go back to the loch. To be more precise "John Hamilton Heritage Park" in East Kibride which is dominated by a small loch and even has a castle nearby. Mains castle though is privately owned and lived in so not open to the public. I've only been there once before and that was just 2 months ago when I had real trouble with panic there and could not go far. That was the reason for the return there but that was enough to bring enough anticipatory anxiety to make just getting there difficult. Not helped it has to be said by the fact we have not been out in the car that often in the past month of so. Just on Friday I drove for the first time in a long time and although a walkable distance I really struggled with panic the whole time until I was out. I don't feel very confident behind the wheel any more and less so when the first time is in the dark and rain and struggling to see. If I am to get back driving that is something else which will have to be gradual and in daylight but to be honest it can wait.

The last time I was here I had my little pocket camera I got with money given to me at Christmas. 2 months is all I had it. I got it because I like to take something on the move that doesn't get in the way and it was fairly cheap in comparison to some of the high end compacts nowadays. I do have a more expensive camera but I dare not take it out in this weather and as small as it is in comparison to a DSLR its not pocketable. Anyway I had to take the bigger camera because on Friday my wife was at a nightout, came home and lost her bag containing her purse, phone and my little camera. I will though get another soon as it helps me when I am internalising in panic too much. Thankfully this time, unlike last, the weather was decent. It was dry at least.

We got there but already the anxiety levels were so high that I was warning my wife I may not get far and with every small tentative step the air in my lungs seemed to vanish. I found it really difficult. I was taking photos of the wildlife and the surrounds and trying to meet it halfway with allowing it to be without being totally immersed in it and all the time waiting for it to drop but it would not. We walked some more but every step away from the car brought images of larger distances to escape and then a busy road home all in panic. I reckon we walked for 10 to 15 minutes which was a massive improvement on last time. All the while my wife was speaking and I was hearing without listening as I tried to fend off the urge to flee.

We got just over halfway around and to an area where you could not see the car park or much else for that matter as it was all hidden behind bushes and trees. This is the point it all spilled over. I could handle no more. I told my wife I had to go back. I did not feel guilt or disappointment. All I felt was the need to get the hell out of there and back to the car as quick as possible then home. My wife tried to reason. She is good at that- trying to get me not to leave without pushing too hard and sometimes that works. Its a balancing act and she is good at it but this time nothing would keep me there. Sheer blind panic- almost. It was like being on the edge of it. She told me we were more than halfway round and at the very least it was just as quick to keep going as it was to turn back. In a flash I saw this. It made sense but still I turned back. Better to take a longer route the way I had came than into the unknown. A strange logic. I think a lot had to do with the route being on the other side of the loch from which we were parked even though that is where we were at this point. So we headed back and that should have been the end of another failed period. It wasn't though and this is why I have made the post.

There is a message in the CBT I do every week and it concerns exposure. It says that panic dies down. It says that its important to try to stay with it and see it through to the other side. What usually happens is panic rises and we leave at that level never knowing that it would come down if we stayed. When we leave it goes down and we then make the mistake that it only went down because we left when it would have done this anyway. The main thing the CBT says here though is that in order to lose our fear of panic we must see it through as many times as it takes to see through this illusion and only when we lose this fear of panic will it stop happening. So how is this relevant to me when I did exactly what I was not supposed to do?

Its true. I did the wrong thing. I left that situation which is not the way to do it. I gave into the fear and the urge to get away from what I percieved to be causing panic to a place where it would stop. Learned behaviour, an error repeated over and over until it because the truth. Sometimes you have to though. Its not an endurance test. I couldn't handle it. I tried. I put up with it longer than I would normally manage. I kept telling myself: just another few seconds, another few seconds more. So that was not good in terms of long term recovery. But I did not leave the overall situation. As we headed back about halfway to the car the panic didn't just ease it just seemed to wash away in quite an incredible fashion. I felt normal. The breathing returned to normal and I felt calm. It was at this point I decided we should keep walking past the car and around the loch. I could have kept going. In fact it was my wife in the end that kept telling me we had to leave. I was taking more photos and walking further and further along but it was getting nearer time to pick up the kids from school. I could have kept walking and walking. I felt untouchable. I felt bigger than the panic and 100% sure it could not touch me. It was a very empowering feeling. A feeling that I keep reading about in the CBT books. After a long time of going through this finally I have experienced the truth first hand.

I wish I can say that is me now cured but far from it. Its a step in the right direction. The next time I go there or somewhere else there will be more panic and the chances are that moment will mean nothing. But it is proof it can be done. It is fine reading about it happening to other people but always with an anxious mind we cannot believe it will be the same for us- we are the exception to the rule. The only way we can believe that is to experience that and the only way we can make that certainty is to experience it over and over again. To do that needs constant exposure and this is something I have talked over with my wife. I need to get out more regular. Its too sporadic. I need to be doing this frequently even if I do not get moments like that frequently but that is the only way I have a chance of experiencing more. If nothing else though its a step in the right direction. A little bit of fear lost and confidence regained.