A rest

147.36 miles tells its own story. That is how far I have walked this month. Its not just a sign of how much longer I am staying out and how far I am going when out but an indication of how little I want to be indoors. The average day now I am out the door at 8:45 to take the kids to school and coming back at 10:30 after a walk of around 4 miles then out again at 12:30 for a mile or two somewhere before finally going to pick up the kids at 14:45. If it were not for the fact my wife is constant backshift now, from 18:00, then I am pretty sure I would be walking well into the night. The agoraphobia has, to a great extent, turned on its head. Where I was pulled back home the moment I stepped out for a long time I am now constantly trying to stay away from the indoors.

If only that was a complete u-turn. If it was it would be enough to get me pushing into a job to begin the journey of the father providing for his family again. I am still not there though. Its like I am on a ledge and there is another ledge which looks close enough but only barely. Maybe its finding the confidence to make that leap. Confidence is still being built and doubt still remains the bigger voice. I fear committing and then if it goes wrong I am back at square one again. Of course the only thing to do is jump. I cannot stand on this ledge forever wondering what if. Its confidence. And at the same time because I keep walking I am shattered constantly. My body should be used to it but it never seems to. That combined with insomnia means I am a big of a zombie at times finding it hard to see clearly through the mind fog. I am almost there. I can see the finish but like some nightmare or horror flick the more I walk towards the further the end seems to get.

It will come. So many things are now commonplace which for years were impossible. More encouraging I am finding more and more the case when I got someplace I am not questioning it. I can go in the car without asking where to. I can walk without measuring how far I need to get back. Nearly all is in place but that trapped feeling remains. I feel it overwhelm me at times in conversation with someone I cannot escape from and I feel it in a restaurant or other place I cannot get out of. Its there still and keeps coming. I see though I bring it. I can be talking to someone and the thought will enter my head that I cannot get away and there the panic rises. I can sit at a table in a restaurant and its when I tell myself I am trapped I panic. And yet I stay with it and finally it goes. Its exposure.

I need to take that leap. I need to prepare and then jump to that final destination. I need to remind myself it will be hard because it can be no other way. Its a commitment and I will feel trapped and I will panic but I need to accept that first time will be hard. So will the second time. At some point though, like everything else, it will stop being hard. I'm just trying to gather up the courage.

This year has flown by. Its been a great year but its flown by. We have been so many places. My wife and I even spent a couple of hours in the pub where we got engaged 60 miles away and went home to her parents with a takeaway. For the first time in well over a decade my wife's parent had all their children, partners and grandchildren all in one place. I could go on.

I have an appetite. I have been looking at holidays and actually contemplating going places. Too soon? Probably but its becoming a reality. I want to go up north and I want to go down south. I want to get on a boat to Denmark. Can I get a boat to Iceland? Even if I could I cannot afford it at the moment. Maybe pop over to Ireland or down to Wales. I need to get out. I do need to get out. And that makes me wonder if this desire to get out and not be at home is the same thing making me panic when I am in a situation I cannot get out of. I actually stood inside a cinema  to take the kids to their seats and all I had to do was remain there for 90 minutes or so if I wanted. I didn't want though. All I wanted to do was leave. I felt restless.

There is a restlessness within me. I cannot help that. I cannot change that. I need to accomodate it. If I can learn to live with it without reacting to it then I feel it will calm of its own accord. This is the last step. This is what is waiting on the other ledge. And the only way to get there is to act rather than ponder. I feel I need a rest first though to gather myself. Physically and mentally tired and too much so to weed out all the negativity holding me back. A little rest to recharge before the final charge and on into life again.