Unnerving

Unnerving. Never quite got that. I that "Un" meant opposite. Like unhinge was to de-hinge, the complete opposite of hinge. That sort of thing. Unnerve though. To unnerve is to cause concern. So is that the opposite of nerve, is to nerve to not cause concern? Ah, don't know. But anyway in my irrational mind I felt unnerved. The sun was so bright. Never seen it so bright. Our usually dark little room was illuminated and there was no escaping it. I had this sense that something was wrong. Maybe the sun had exploded some hours ago and what I was seeing was only going to get brighter and brighter. Never seen it so bright.

The kids loved it.  A change for photos. White balance all to buggery. Everything was orange where the sun was in the shot. Even if the short was in the mirror. While I am ranting apologies in advance for the streaks. The kids were not long out of the bath. We have a small flat and a lot of steam plays havoc with the windows and any other glass. The bright light ensured every blemish and thumb print was exposed for all its worth. My wife would have a hairy fit if she knew I had posted these photos.

But as I said the kids loved it. Time for a pose and all that. Not in the least bit worried about why the sun might be so bright. Just loving the way it lit up the room. Loving shadow puppets with silly voices. Even loving the coloured spots you get when you look directly into a bright sun.

The only way to fix the white balance was to ensure the sun was out of the frame. In this photo at the side you can see how lit up my daughter's face is just off the reflection from the sun. It was quite incredible. Our little living room requires a flash because there is so little light in it. Even with all the artificial lights on it needs a flash to stop the blurring of fidgeting kids. Not here though. The room was lit up. Unnerving. Never seen it so bright.

Sun aside things have been a bit up and a bit down the last week. Some positives and some negatives. In terms of understanding I think I need to keep reading what I am reading and hopefully with repetition it will finally sink in. And in that aspect I have had some positives.

At the tail end of last week I had a really weird thing, maybe another epiphany. I walked nearly halfway to school with my wife and family then as usual headed home. But after a few paces I stopped. I looked at where they were going. And I got this strong urge to follow them. I had this belief in that moment that I could walk with them and could get to the school and more than that I had a feeling that things were going to be OK and with time I would get over this. It felt beautiful, it felt normal and I felt normal. But very soon the old habitual self doubt came crashing in with images of being unable to move at the school and wondering how the hell I could make it home and images of spending the rest of the day in torment because I had physically overdone and all that malarky. But I am thankful for that moment. I will push on with my plans and hope there are more moments like that ahead and that ultimately I will get there.