Beary, at the top. The boy's bedtime friend. Won't sleep without beary and tucks him in before he goes to nursery. The image is an indication of my lack of outside activity this week. Not been out much at all. Its not being lazy. More to do with tiredness and overdoing it. I could have done with my own little beary to help me sleep. No matter how late I'm never tired enough yet too tired when I wake. This is where I think the time anxiety comes from. Anxiety over the time on the clock and how long is left in the day. In fact that could be the root of by daily general anxiety as unlike most who after waking at some point feel refreshed and tire as the days goes on I start very tired and wake up from tea time to late evening. Come midnight I am at my most awake. I think when the time comes for work I'll have to go for a night shift. Its like jet lag. I think my body clock works in the wrong time zone.
At the start of the week I pulled something in my shoulder which came with its usual good timing. When I got up it was a bit painful but more uncomfortable. My wife had decided it was time to swap bedrooms. Rightfully she is worried about the kids and the damp in their room so wanted them swapped over. I said to leave it a day as my shoulder was a problem. As usual she said she'd do it herself then. So discomfort with a guilt trip versus more uncomfortable and anxious. Well I ended up with both.
I told her if she was determined to go ahead with it then she'd have to realise it would take more than a day to do. So if she was determine to go ahead the best thing to do would be move everything but the bed. That way we'd all be assured of a bed that night and the following day the two of us could dismantle, move and re-assemble the beds together. She didn't reply. Ten minutes later she was in the hall pulling a mattress from the bedroom. Twenty minutes after that when I went through she has started dismantling the bed. So I was roped in. So determined was she to see the delight of the kids at having a new room to sleep in she went ahead doing it her own way. By the end of the day I was knackered and that night as I predicted we all slept on mattresses. There was no big show for the girls. The day after it was all done.
It was good to get some activity. It did have a knock on affect with my walks. But it was probably better exercise that I needed. The second day was easier than the first which is how it should be. I was sorest two days after. I get frustrated though. I expect to be able to do things I could do before. This is an aspect of my problems which could be anxiety or might not be and how it all started with tiring very easily. To be honest most of the problems I had with the beds were not to do with lifting or anything requiring strength but from bending for long spells and stretching. What I need to remember that although age isn't a big factor it is a factor. I am 40 now not 20. My body is going to react differently. But the biggest factor is how inactive I am so obviously any activity is going to be more difficult than it is for someone active.
But it is linked to anxiety. Its an anxiety cycle of sorts. And as I said its how its started. Activity leads to getting tired quick and out of breath and shaky. Feeling that way makes me anxious. Because it gets me anxious I tend to avoid it if I can. Activity then becomes harder and gets me in that state quicker and makes me more willing to avoid any more. And so on.
I see how in the past this came to be. I was going to the doctors because I was get tired so quickly. I was noticing it a lot more. I got tests and no problems were found. Then the anxiety. I think the anxiety wasn't just the tiredness and lack of energy but more from the fact not only did I not know what was happening to me but the doctors couldn't find anything physically wrong with me either. They were only too pleased I suppose when I stopped going because it was proving futile.
And so it continues. The only way to break the cycle is by getting more active- on my own terms. Not a long period of inactivity then a short burst of activity that proves to much for me and just re-enforces my desire for avoidance. Acceptance that at the moment I'm not as capable as I used to be. Build it up slowly.
