A flurry of dreams in the past few days. Not enjoyable, not nightmares. Similar to ones before. Dreams imitating life. I parked in a car park and far in the distance was a massive shopping centre from where I was brought up. There was a pub and I went in to meet my mum there and she showed be a staircase. We went up about 10 flights and then at the top through glass doors. It was like a large corridor shaped like when you board a plane but glass all round and hundreds of people going back and forth. We walked to the end and more glass doors. I could already see all the shops and all the people- the shopping centre. My mum explained that you could get to it not only via the pub but through lots of different buildings in the area. All roads lead to commerce.
And then a realisation. What if I panic? Jeez, how will I get back. My mind tread back through doors, corridor, doors, stairs, car park and then drive. Too much. Panic. Uncontrollable panic. So much so I woke up. This happens so often. I am in a dream doing mundane things and then suddenly I am aware that I am a panic merchant and it all kicks off. Rarely does it wake me but this one did. It took me a long time to calm after and I think the only reason I did was it was early and I managed to drift back to sleep again. But it shows how much panic is on my mind, the fear of it. And how that fear sparks off panic itself. Just like life. I wonder, or maybe hope, its there now to give me a chance to try coping with it in the safety of dreams. Maybe not. Regardless of where I am externally I am still mentally in the same place with the same fears. Maybe I just need a safer place to deal with them first. Maybe not.
The dreams are an obscured reflection of reality, or at least how it is pieced together in my head. A bit like seeing the world in a hall of mirrors where its familiar but not quite right. A bit like our living room reflected on the lamp above. The kids love it because they can see themselves and they do like to see themselves. They miss the reflection of the TV screen for that but this is better. I hate that lamp. Its making me edgy. I said in a previous post its not stable and leaning over like its going to fall. I think that is what is making me edgy: waiting for it to fall but it never does. Monstrosity that it is, all for the sake of a bargain.
Its been a very tiring week but I expected that. Not through any physical effort but adjustment. Kids back to school. Its a bit like dealing with jet lag. A new later to bed, later to rise routine had been established and then its back to earlies. It takes a while to adjust. At least a few weeks before it lifts. And that is not just for the anxious type like myself but my wife feels it too. Even the kids feel it until the evening when they suddenly explode into life too soon, too loudly and too frenzied.
