This old guy walks circuits up and down this path numerous times at different times in the day. No idea why he does circuits and not a long walk. I do circuits because I am agoraphobic. Is he agoraphobic or is there a medical need for him to be close to home? I'll never know. Too shy and paranoid to ask. Puts me to shame though. Walks at least 4 times what I do. Surely my body is no weaker than his? Must be in the mind. Everything is in the mind. Even watching all three kids is a problem all week long. Hard going. Taking them for short walks is tough going. Not physically demanding so it must me all mental. I see the walker, I admire the walker and maybe in someway I wish to be the walker or see some future self in him.
I see a lot of old people about there, well it is an old folks home. And the shopping centre is close at hand- though not for me at the same distance. Some of them move at a snails pace or shuffle with a zimmer but they get there and back. Yes it has to be mental. Surely I am not physically in a worse state. Surely not.
The mind is a strange thing and can be a very powerful thing. It can even overpower your own will. I learned this through observing my wife and its something that should have helped me come to terms with one aspect of anxiety and panic but for some reason didn't. My panic is not like most's from what I can tell. Not the majority of the time. I have had panic where I have felt well out of my depth and get the classic panic attack with the rapid pounding heart and hyperventilating. Most of the time though its not like that for me. This in itself makes me wonder if that is why I am having so much trouble getting on top of it. Mainly with my own panic its shaking, restricted breathing and this horrible feeling of despair. I am not aware of any difference in my heart and my breathing is definitely not rapid. But they are panic symptoms and I sometimes get all the others like jelly legs, unreality, etc.
The breathing though bothers me. And this is where observing my wife should help. I had convinced myself it was physical rather than mental that I could not get a breath. Some self help say its extreme tension in the chest from panic giving the illusion you are not getting a breath. I beg to differ. I feel like I am holding my breath but no matter how much I consciously try to let go it is not my decision. So could that me mental? Well my wife does this too in a certain situation. If there is something on TV and someone is drowning she does it and can't stop until it stops or the channel is changed. She has also been known to do it if on TV someone catches a fish and drops it on the ground with it thrashing about gasping for air. No matter how much she tries she cannot stop holding her breath. I see the panic in her face- STOP IT! So with me I figure its the same thing but with fear, maybe, as the catalyst rather than seeing suffocation. Like anyone who gets scared and takes an intake of air but then I can't seem to stop.
God what a happy start to the post.
On one of my walks I noticed this wall has been broken down by little shitty vandals. This wall physically has nothing to do with us but contractually its part of a compound we are liable for. It pisses me off because the only people who use is are the public sitting waiting on a bus or passers-by walking over it but I'll bet our factor sends all of us a bill for its repair. And it won't be cheap. Its bad enough trying to find the money for the things we do need without looking for money for things that really have nothing to do with us.
I hate the idea of factors- people who you have to pay as part of the mortgage agreement to look after your premises. Its all backhanders. It took us a few years to actually look at the bill and realise the £20 float we were paying each month was for them to pay for bills in advance and a phone call to realise that we didn't have to pay it but what we did pay would be returned when we sell the home according to their records. The bulk of a bill is that and their management fee. One of the neighbours, a single mother, is constantly at court with them for refusing to pay. She cited the gardener as an example who is charging over £1000 a quarter and in her words: "F*ck I could cut ma grass in half an oor with with a pair a scissors". And she is right. There are two buildings. We are a block of six. The other is a block of eight. That wall above is theirs. They have the big pathway, all the grass, the wall and also three of eight flats are owned by the factor. So basically we are subsidising them who let their flats out to the jobless at extortionate rates because they don't pay it, the council does. So they can charge what they like and cream a little bit on top with the obligated mortgage holders.
My wife has made some mistakes in her life- hey, watch it! But this little shithole is by far and away her biggest. For years I wanted to move back up north and she kept dragging her heels. I gave a flat up to be down here stupidly. A catalogue of errors. To be honest I think we are that kind of people.
A good few hot days. Hottest its been I think. We all sat out for a good bit on one day and stupid sod that I am I never put on any sun cream. After coming in my face was really tight and burning. I looked in the mirror to see it is burnt. That caused anxiety. But nothing I can do about it. Like so many of my errors I have to be pre-emptive not worry after when the damage is done. Still on the bright side it was good to get out. In life there is always balance and the stress of minding the kids in the morning is counter balanced with getting some fresh air and UV rays.
