Trust

I drove, we all do. In the beginning I drove as fast as was humanly possible in order to see just what the machinery under my control was capable of. The boundaries stretched to breaking point before easing off the accelerator so as not wreck the engine. Then it was time to slow down. There was no point rushing the journey with so much to see. The longer I drove the more I slowed and the more of the surroundings I observed at a leisurely pace. At some point there may have been warning lights flashing on the dashboard but I was too wrapped up in the new wonder to notice. And then suddenly out of the blue I came to a halt. There was no more fuel, the tank was empty. That was a shock but never did I believe half a decade on I would still be sitting there on the plain with nothing but hills, dust, sky and sun as far as the eyes could see.

The days changed from there. In general observation you may say they were always the same but they were not. They all had their little differences. It was like a recurring dream that is familiar but somehow different in its own way. Each day started with awakening there and all day long I would desperately turn the ignition. Over time this is where the change occurred. In the beginning the engine would not start. Over time though I would get it coughing enough to start moving forward. There I would bump along awkwardly on an empty tank before finally coming to a halt once more. The fumes taking me so far but not far at all in the scheme of things. Some days I got further than others, some days less. Always though I knew in the back of my mind that no matter how far I got it was never going to be enough and I would awake the next day back where I started.

That is how it has been each and every time. In the early days I clung to the hope that another vehicle would drive my and lead me out of there but as time passed I learnt that no one was coming- ever. Sometimes I'd turn on the radio and a voice would promise me that the future would be different. Sometimes I believed and sometimes not but alas nothing has changed except the sound of the voice. Endlessly I would sway between the two truths until one day I turned it off altogether. But the next day I turned it on again in hope. This is the agitation of being caught in bewilderment and desperation.

And so today I woke up and I am still here- in this place. It is no surprise. My vehicle has bumped along a few feet. Nothing much and a futile task as I know I will be back here at the start again tomorrow again but it beats sitting still. Over 1000 days of 24 hours have strangled all but the deepest set belief that things might one day change. Repetition does that. Life is about learning and that is what my mind has been told. I cannot help but see the endless repetition of more days like this lying in wait.

There is a difference between this present moment and that of 10 or 20 years before. It is one of trust. Back when I was younger I was fearless and I trusted myself to the point that I didn't have to think about it. I was master of my body but now I am not fearless because I can no longer trust my body- or myself. It no longer does as I ask and I have become accustomed to it shutting down on a regular basis and holding me back. I cannot trust it to take me where I want to go. It reacts of its own accord and defies me. Prolonged bewildering illness, that was when the trust was lost. After trust began to dwindle that is when the body started to disobey. It would frighten me for the sake of it. When I was somewhere peaceful in my own head space it would leap, jolt and shake me out of my dreaming with a shock. It is a devious beast of a thing this rebel. And now that I have found the task of taming it or getting it to submit a fruitless one I must look for other options. One thing I know for sure is that something which was one has become divided by mistrust and it is the issue of trust which continues to keep them apart.

What I am trying to say in my own round about way is that I don't see much change nor foresee much change in the near future. I really have to get this clear in my head as I have been approaching this in completely the wrong way. When I looked at my problem I saw two main issues I needed to tackle. Those were getting out and staying out. In order to face them I have walked every day, with the exception of a few, for almost the past year and for the last 6 months been going out in the car. I can see progress if you want to call it that but it never going to be a solution. I have fooled myself. These efforts are worth it and I will carry on doing them but they are not the going to change my situation in the longer term. If I did this for the next 10 years I still would not be very much further forward because I am missing the real issue here. I am not at peace. While I am not at peace I am never going to go far and won't stay out for long. It is this internal issue I must tackle over and above everything else. When I step out of the door or when I get in the car I am agitated by the accumulation of constant nervous tension. It comes with me and even if I go further it is never with ease and will still be as hard the next day to repeat. That is why I wake up every morning back where I started. That is why the vehicle does not go very far and when it does it trundles along bumping on an empty tank. I have been looking in the wrong place. The 'agoraphobia' label is one I have given too much importance too. My primary problem is not that I am agoraphobic as this is just a secondry symptom. Its not that I have panic attacks because this is also secondry. I have constant background anxiety, that is the main problem. I need to fill that tank which is drained daily from general nerves and the tension it produces.

I am lucky to have already had in the past suggestions on this front here which I am most thankful for. One of those is breathing exercises. My problem has been that I have tried to employ those while out rather than the more obvious routine of learning them at home. Routine is the big part. At no point in the day do I put aside time to do things that may help calm me. Relaxation or maybe even meditation. Just something to bring that general anxiety down- even if its just a notch it will have been worth it. This is where I must place my efforts. I see that so clearly now. I have lost trust in my body so every time I go out it works against me. I must gain that trust again and the only way I can see to do that is to treat it better and try to care for it more. Or at least stop tensing up against it. If I don't I am going to wake up every day one that empty road again with an empty tank regardless of how far I bumped along the day before.

This general anxiety is always at a high level I think. When you read self help books they tell you to rate your anxiety. That's rubbish. It changes from moment to moment. By the time I write down it is at 8 it may have already gone down to 5 and as I cross that out jumped back up to 7. Its a constant variant. It does fluctuate so when I say its at a high level what I really mean is that it fluctuates between a moderate and high level. This is what makes even the thought of going out the door difficult and the doing it harder. It is also the reason I cannot enjoy the company of people indoors because I am always feeling it there. It is what lends to the self doubt and lack of confidence. It is was breeds the mistrust. It is the primary cause of all my problems hidden beneath the guises of anxiety buzz words like "panic" and "agoraphobia".

Now I see clearly. I see how it started, progressed and why I have been stuck in the loop. My anxiety problems started with a prolonged illness that soon become buried under the symptoms of the anxiety they created and I didn't see where one ended and the other begun. They persist but I've been looking for a way to get back out into the world to reclaim my life while it is near impossible in this current continued state of constant anxiety. That is the problem I thought I had to overcome but it is not, or at least not the root. Its not about overcoming panic. Its not about seeing how far I can get out. Its not even about seeing how long I can stay out. These things are all about seeing how long I can stand the rising anxiety which is already too high before I have even begun. It is all about dealing with the GAD and that is what it has always been about but I just never saw it until recently. Its time I now learned how to trust my body again and in the process become one with it rather than bitter enemies. My mission is to look for solutions and apply them. It is time I put aside time each day to try bringing that anxiety level down.

Finally let me take all that and turn it on its head. I started the last paragraph with "Now I see clearly". Do I? How many times have I thought that and then quickly thought the opposite? Its the strength of finding the truth you have searched for followed by the almighty crushing doubt of finding it was a lie. The anxious mind does that. You think black, it counters with white. This malicious anxious mind may be duping me again. Maybe it is behind it. Maybe it makes me believe that it is all the thought of the body. It is my mum without friends putting thoughts into my dad's head to send him off on one while she stands back and watches the carnage from a distance. This useless rogue body may not be the problem at all. Can I live with these constant sensations of nervous tension? Is it not actually my mind that is telling me that I can't and therefore actually shoveling more coal onto the furnace in the process? A lot of self help books say that if you accept these problems they will go of their own accord because they will no longer matter. Is it really this simple process which has alluded me and keeps me stuck? The mind is devious. It has told me to blame the body and like the innocent sheep I am I followed its lead. Maybe I have lost my trust in the wrong antagonist. The body keeps me alive and strives to do so when it percieves any danger. Its job is solely to keep me alive. The mind though is doing nothing helpful as I see it. Maybe its not my lack of trust my body but that I have placed too much trust in my ego that is the real problem. If I can relax, live with the sensations as they are and stop believing what my ego says then therein might be a better standard of living. One day I may wake up, turn the ignition and drive off with a full tank. Its a state of mind. I know that anyone who has GAD will agree that you will definitely know when you find peace and only in that peace can you truly tackle the outside world. Only from a state of relative calm can exposure really work because without it the exposure means absoloutely nothing. The reason being that the general high anxiety is still there the next day making it hard to repeat what you did the previous day never mind go further.