Anyone who's life is restricted by frequent panic attacks, or any other mind block, has most likely been told or has read that the only way to rid themselves of them is to see them through. And this is what we believe. Within this belief self doubt is born and the path to hopelessness is tread because for a lot of us we have tried this and failed every time. Hope dies with each failure. So for us it would appear that the solution is beyond our grasp and what a big hole that blows in our view of the future.
I know at least that is how it has been for me. Over the past few years I have put myself in situations that are panic inducing. Sometimes I can cope but mostly I can't. The one thing that remains though is that every time I do it the intensity of the experience remains high and I have yet to see panic through. Or at least that is what I have thought. Its actually not true.
Since my first panic and learning that I have to pass through panic I have thought myself unable to do it. I've looked back at the many occasions in the car and out walking when I have had to flee. Sometimes I have tried to stay with it but eventually given up and ran. Partly I don't quite believe it will pass and also if it does pass then I may be left shattered by the experience leaving me of little use to anyone. What I cannot believe is that I have failed to see the many times I have passed through panic. All the failed times I recalled were those situations where I had the choice to get out and did. But what about the times I had no choice? What about the times when there was nowhere to run to or run from?
For a lot of us, if not all, the place we flee to when we panic is home. What happens though if the panic surfaces in the home? There is nowhere to run to and there is no way out of it because your instinctive safe place is actually where the fire is. Its the worse kind of panic in my experience. It is more agitating that panic outdoors and lends more to the sense of despair. There is no choice. You have no option but to see panic through.
I have had panic at home many times so I have therefore passed through panic many times. And from my own experience I can see it is not a solution for me. So if that is the only way I am indeed stuffed. Repeated passing through has not made the intensity any less, my fear of a return any less or the actual return any less frequent. This GAD is just a fancy umbrella term for that constant threat, the high state of alert. But this knowledge is good because I now know at least that running into brick walls outside is doing me no good. Avoidance and fleeing are not doing me any good either but they are better than the alternative which is not a long term answer either. In my case both are futile so I might as well take the option with the least torment. The only negative in fleeing and avoiding is guilt but I can now chip away at that in the belief that I have nothing to feel guilty about.
When my mind is free of anxious and negative thoughts throughout the day it usually turns to looking how to change my situation for the better. Its a bit like the prisoner going through the monotony of the day in solitary while having those little moments to plan an escape. Nothing has changed and nothing ever seems to change regardless of effort. Maybe it about time I stopped planning the escape and just get used the the idea that this is how things are going to be. Like the proverbial prisoner it might be better just just serve my time with minimum fuss and no add more time to it with repeated failed escape attempts.
Recently I have started to question everything again. For a few years now I have assured myself that I understand my state but this understanding alone is not enough to find a solution. Over the last week or so though I have started to question that. The logical part of the brain is not happy as that statement does not compute. What if this understanding isn't right? I am just reading what are considered the expert views on the subject which are general rather than specific to the individual. What if the reason so many people are still stuck is because they are buying into something they believe is right but actually isn't? At some point when you are not moving forward and are indeed still stuck I think you have to question the situation. I am not religious but I am starting to see the sense in the following quote which has popped up three times this week in my life alone.
"Lord grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference"- St Francis of Assisi
