My need for distraction has been great as a result so I have been watching films, TV and reading books. A couple of books I wanted to read I cannot find and are no doubt sitting in that little place with all the other stuff that goes missing in my home. So I turned once again to this Pema Chodron book which I didn't understand last time but thought I might as well give it another bash.
The Places that scare you: A guide to Fearlessness
Pema Chodron
'Openness doesn't come from resisting our fears but from getting to know them well.'
Finding the courage to go to the places that scare us cannot happen without asking ourselves 'What do I do when I feel I can't handle what's going on? Where do I look for strength and in what do I place my trust?'
When fear. anger or anxiety has a grip on you, don't turn away, have a drink, a snack, a smoke, or switch on the TV. Instead, look your fear straight in the eyes- and see it for what it really is....
Sounds promising doesn't it? Not so much I'm afraid. The title mentions 'guide' but its not a stepped process at all but some vague, Buddhism is full of ambiguity, overview of what warriors do to become fearless- compassionate warriors that is rather than blade wielding psychos.
I can though see the wisdom in what is mentioned even if there is no actual guide. The main part is mindfulness which is staying in the present moment with your emotions and thoughts while observing them without judgement. Basically its about spending time with ourselves, how apt, and by practising this we develop comfort in our own skin so to speak. That makes a lot of sense to me. That for me would be a good starting point. These past days have taught me that I am not content with my own company but then who is unless they have distraction? One of the things that intrigued me was when she said that a lot of people including experienced meditators have trouble sitting with their own thoughts and emotions. Here I see the difference between the normal individual and the anxiety ridden one. What is going on internally is no different, it is just that the latter is either more receptive to it or more introspective. As simple as that. The anxiety is not different from person to person except for the attention it is getting.
Or maybe not. I'm still not sure about the non-judgemental observer stance. In my own head I can see my problems stem a lot from inner dialogue. For example last week I went down the stairs to go out the door to meet my wife and children at the shops. Something I have done many times so not a problem. But then in my head popped doubt: you can't do it, you are going to panic. Totally irrational and so I immediately rationalised but it made no difference. Five minutes later I was sitting on a wall trying to quell the panic halfway to where I wanted to be. One doubt, one ineffective response. So it makes me wonder whether its not really about taking a non-judgemental observer stance but instead like a sat-nav changing the voice from Timid Timmy to a Danny Dyer type "shut up you slag or I'll give you a slap" response.
I don't know. As you can see time on my own has given me too much time to think. What I do think though is that the sensation of anxiety or panic seem like the problem but in my case at least they are not. Its those little doubts that keep creeping in that have become habitual which are the problem. Well actually not them but my response to them. I think if I can respond differently to those then I will not get to the stage of experiencing the sensations. We know those sensations are a product of emotional response so that response maybe just has to be harder. I just wonder if that inner response is down to who we are also in life: People who are not harsh and maybe worry too much about other people's feelings. It could be that this has become our inner voice. If we developed a colder more distant stance then that would surely help. Then again is that not the stance of mindfulness?
If I can go back to that scenario last week I would like to say that I did eventually make it to the shop doors through gritted teeth. My wife and family were nowhere to be seen so I fled. Not right home though. I went back to that wall again and sat for a few minutes- turns out my wife had met someone she knew in the shop and started talking for a bit. I was determined not to go home. So I composed myself and went for another shot at it but it was futile. Again and again without success. It was like swimming against the tide. Every step intensified panic and pushed me back. In the end I only managed to go forward when I saw my wife and kids come around the corner. To them there was nothing amiss as it just appeared I was late arriving.
This re-enforced some things. When I am experiencing the sensations of panic I cannot win. I'd be as well just getting out of it. There is little point when feeling like you are going to fall over, shaking from head to toe and finding it hard to catch a breath trying to tell yourself its OK. Nah, better bolt. These are natural responses by the body so why try to fight them. It is not the sensations I should be tackling but the thoughts. So here I do see the wisdom of mindfulness even if I am not sure at the moment which is the best stance. Labelling thoughts as thoughts to disempower them does make sense because at the moment I try to rationalise them and it does not work. But more than that I get caught unawares by these thoughts when I should really be on the look out for them. That is why they are not exclusive to the moment I walk out of the door but happen when I am sitting at home too. Tiny thoughts of doubt. They are the accumulation of many smaller incidents over the past 3.5 years and maybe more which has now evolved into a habitual misfiring. That's OK though as the subconscious, apparently, can only learn through experience and that is what experience has told it. It is my voice which has too change or maybe just my stance. It either has to dominate or not react because at the moment it is the nervy reactions that are causing the problems. I think I will give mindfulness another go to see if it makes any difference.
Three years ago when the CPN first arrived I asked her one question: How do I stop these thoughts? That was the only question I wanted answered. I didn't need a series of visits. A phone call or email would have done. All I wanted to know was how I could stop these thoughts. It seems I have sort of come full circle in that time or maybe fallen right back. I never got an answer but there is no answer, though it would have been nice to have been told that. Its not how to stop the thoughts because those are a habitual product but how to react to them differently. Oh wouldn't we love to know that answer to that. Because we are all defined by labels: The agoraphobic, the person with GAD, the OCD sufferer, the person dealing with PTSD, the depressive, the social phobic etc. That makes it more complex that it really is. In every case there is a constant and that is unwanted thoughts which cause an emotional response because we do not know how to react to them. If we could react differently to thoughts then we, regardless of pigeon-hole, would not have a problem. So how do we react differently?
