My wife came in yesterday with the boy and a bulging carrier bag, She'd been to the doctor with all 3 kids before dropping the girls of at school. Multiple infections and a bag full of remedies. Yes its winter alright.
I've been a miserable sod during this period. Cold and dark are not my favourite combination. I read the other day that 1/3 of Scottish homes can't afford to put the heating on and this is before the government begin cutting off the financial lifelines and also while the energy companies yet again bump of the bills for this time of year. Depressing. Mind you my wife reminded me that when we were young we did without heating. There was no central heating back then. He had a 3 bar electric fire which rarely got turned on. No double glazing either so there was sometimes ice on the inside of the frames. I remember eating cereal before school on the settee wrapped in my quilt. Maybe things are just to easy nowadays and think of those poor souls who have to live on the street.
My mood changed last night as I stood at the window watching my drab grey world be painted white in a snow globe scene. I don't mind the cold if you get the visuals with it and winter snow can be a thing of beauty. It lifts my spirits no end, I love it. Though it does have its downside too for this agoraphobic. We've just been getting out in the car again and that is knocked in the head now which was my downward turning point last year- also this current trend of my mind questioning what will happen if the car breaks down. Walking is also troublesome too. I have boots with think grips but I seem to be all over the place. Most concerning though is the boy. On Thursday he got his cast removed and they told my wife to make sure he doesn't run about and fall. No chance of taking him out then at the moment and what chance do you have of stopping an energetic 2 year old from running about?
For some reason at the moment I seem to be entrenched in or near a panic cycle. Its there all the time. When I am not in it I am fighting my way away from it but it keeps coming. Its my own fault mostly. The other day for example it seemed to come out of the blue and wouldn't go away. It was like bordering on panic, like the throws of drowning it. It was burning up reserves needlessly. I then had to go around to the shops and meet my wife. Then we went for a 10 mile drive and when we came back I had soup and a baguette for lunch. After this I felt fine. So the truth is I need to do more. This current cycle is apprehension through fear of consequence which then leads to not doing and more apprehension and guilt. Its important to get out there- even if it means you come running back quickly. At least try.
With this white blanket draped over my little world I am in better spirits. I have the legs to get out there and start living less of my day in my head and that is exactly what I plan to do. The camera is gathering dust so its about time I started making use of it again. I'm becoming more aware of this inner dialogue and maybe just slowly starting to tackle it or maybe just obsessing about it.
We all have a voice in our head that we have no control over. Its volume or impact dictates our behaviour. It dictates between being perceived, even by yourself, what is normal and what is not. For people with anxiety problems they can remember a time when they were "normal". Did the voice shout loudly then? No it didn't and I'm sure we were unaware of it but it is there in all of us however loudly or silently. Tourettes being one of the most extreme cases. A person doesn't want to swear, does all they can not to but still a relfex of the mind makes them do it. Its unstoppable. Like OCD there are thoughts which bulldoze their way in and out making the person a bystander. Its no different with anxiety. The thoughts are automatic and seemingly unstoppable which is why anyone who thinks you can "just get over it" is wrong. I think we all know just how intense these automatic thoughts and sensations are and just how helpless we feel against them.
There was though a time when this was not the case. Its a conditioned state I believe and as such can be unravelled. I don't know how but there must be a way of undoing. In fact I am beginning to think there is and it is in action. Its about being a little bit brave and not fearing consequence and challenging it each day within reason and thereby conditioning new experience. No easy thing I grant you but something that may not lead back to the time before but will at least lift some of the anxious weight. I can see that in my own situation this time last year when I was much better than I am now or at any other time this year.
So I guess what I am trying to say is the snow is here and the world is more welcoming and I see it as an opportunity to venture out more. That is what I plan to do. I want to go out and enjoy it instead of watching from the window. I love it when the snow falls.
