Things that mimic any symptom of panic in any little way cause panic, in my case at least. They shouldn't but they do. Take for example today. I sat on the couch with a book while the wife bopped up and down on a balance board doing her wii fit and the kids ran about squealing then started to shake for no apparent reason. Then I realised why. Its that old back problem again. Between the shoulder blades which has never quite made a full recovery and so is prone to collapse at the slightest tweak. This past week I have been careful because during the week I couldn't turn my head to the right given a stiffness running from the up the side of my neck. In this state it doesn't take much to go completely. When I stand I feel feel a weight pushing down like gravity has gotten stronger. A tightness gathers between the shoulder blades as if someone has put there hand inside, gripped the muscles, scrunched them up and then twists them. From there the strain goes right up the back of the neck, along the shoulders, down the arms, down the back and creates a shakiness. Nothing to worry about though but it is so like the shaking which a body full of coursing adrenalin experiences that my memory kicked in dripping all the alarm switches.
From there it is a battle- me and the automatic mind, the mind groomed by life experiences. Except what I see in these past years is that it is stronger than me. Taking for example another panic symptom: shallow breath. The other day I had that and my mind was alight with flashing red bulbs and sirens while a big screen flashed "No Air". Rationality. I took a deep breath in and a deep breath out. In and out. About 10 times I did this telling myself that I could in fact breathe and I was getting air and there was no need for all those bloody alarms. Would it calm? Would it buggery! It kept going, it knew best. So how do you reason with it? I'll tell you if I ever find out.
I was on the couch reasoning and getting nowhere fast when the phone rang and without even seeing the caller ID I knew who it was and the reason for calling. It was enough to push me over the edge. The inlaws imminent arrival was just something I couldn't handle. Not in that state. Not at that time of day, early afternoon, because I knew it as to kill time and stay for dinner and I just didn't do it. So despite them not asking but telling us they were coming in the end they were forced to meet their daughter and grandchildren elsewhere. No one was happy, I wasn't proud. God I wish I wasn't that way but I just couldn't handle it. Averting something I couldn't handle though just left me riddled with guilt and didn't actually stop the panic which continued for hours after. That was about 8 hours ago and I am still incredibly on edge.
I wish I could snap out of it. I ended up having to shut myself away in a room because the youngest girl kept writing down nonsense and asking me to say the word one too many times and the boy walked up with a smile then hit me in the face with a football before running up the hall laughing away to himself. Totally manic. I needed to get away from it. I went for a walk but it didn't helped so locked away in the bedroom I tried to find calm. After about 10 minutes I realised it was futile. My mind dictates, me voice is a whisper to its roar when it comes to instructing the body.
Apart from having a wife who is rightly annoyed, shattered from the longevity of the panic and guilty as hell for my actions I am left wondering something else: who is in charge? I cannot for the life of me understand why my will is not adhered to and instead overridden by this agitated mind. People with a panic disorder fear a loss of control and that is what I feel now. I have no control. My wish today would have been to sit and enjoy my inlaws company but instead I had to jump through hoops for my mind. People with panic disorder fear a crumbling of identity and I feel that now. Who am I if I am not in control?
And these questions I ask myself. I am caught between wanting to explore them and feeling that is a dangerous road to go down. Thinking too much is one of my downfalls. I wonder if its like an obsessiveness that is unhealthy. Pondering them does me no good.
Get the feeling I am hiding away from that sink or swim moment when my lead legs will surely carry me under. One such situation is on its way. I've been avoiding so long with spectre of confrontation always looming ever nearer but unavoidable. That is life though. We have to just get through it as best we can.
