What is most unusual is for that voice in my head to make its way out of my mouth. That was I think what gave my wife the biggest fright. Not helped also by the fact that we had only been driving two minutes and despite the kids being in the back the car it was fairly sedate until that point. So for me to shout loudly a warning gave her a startle. Even my apology shortly after did little to appease her. We both had the same view but our reaction to that differs. It mattered little to her but the sight as we came over the brow up the slip road to the dual carriageway of at least a mile long stretch of of parked cars was enough to sound the alarm. "Oh shit!" screamed in my head and rattled out of my mouth. I couldn't argue back while my mind filled with statements about how bad this was and how I couldn't handle it. There were images too of grid lock and waiting for hours without moving. I had no comeback. I just needed to get out of there fast. The problem isn't so much what I am hearing but my inability to respond. In the past I have tried responding with authority but the problem is that there isn't much conviction, I don't really believe in what I am saying. Repeated negative experience dictates that.
The image above isn't a good one. Its there mainly because it includes the sign in it. It doesn't show all the traffic ahead as I could see it. Thankfully almost as quickly as we got on the dual carriageway there is one last slip road off almost immediately. This could be why I blurted out the alert so my wife didn't get stuck in the outside lane unable to get back to that last escape route out of personal hell. No need to panic as she moved over without incident and as soon as we were off with a clear road ahead to get the hell out of there I had an insanely smiley face. I was relieved. Such an irrational problem this. Relieved that I was in a car moving instead of standing still. Happy that the view was changing rather than staying the same even although the inside of the car stays the same regardless. Just glad I wasn't still there and feeling very fortunate for it.
Bliss lasted a third of a mile. Down a little road, around a corner to go under a bridge and stand still. I cursed whatever demon had decided that for that day I was to be it's toy in some sick game. Cars not moving. A few minutes passed and nothing moved, unease grew. The white van a few cars up done a 3 point turn and headed back. Why? We'd just come from there and it was blocked too. We were all trapped. My worst nightmare but suddenly I thought he had the right idea. It crossed my mind to ask my wife to do the same and when we got near the dual carriageway to turn around and come back. We could keep doing that until, hopefully, there was movement at either end. At least if we were moving I wouldn't be stuck with my thoughts. But of course I didn't, it wasn't that great an idea.
This wasn't panic. It was intense restlessness, frenzied agitation. Every ounce of the body was urging movement but I couldn't move anywhere. Not only because the car was stationary but because I was so tensed up I couldn't move. Previously I'd walked close to here and back home so I knew it was something I could do but not from this rigid state. And as I said it wasn't panic. I had none of the symptoms I associate with panic and had experienced just minutes before briefly. It was the agitated state that leads to panic and I was trying to keep that finale at bay. Distraction works for some and it works for me at home. I got the camera in my hands and tried to look through what I had taken but I couldn't get my head away from the warnings. I still knew where I was and that it wasn't good no matter how hard I tried to divert attention. Reasoning? That didn't work either. No matter what I said the voice shouted back that this was bad. Remember all the times before and every one of them was bad. The only way to stop it being bad was to get out of there and you can't get out of it so you are going to have to be tormented until you do. It doesn't matter that there is no danger here you still know its bad and its going to be very uncomfortable. You are trapped. Of course you are not going to die but you are going to have to endure this with your brain whizzing so fast that it is making you dizzy.
To cut a long story short about 15 minutes later we were out of there. There were roadworks on the bridge and we had to rely on people to let us out but as cars were queued back having to wait every few minutes for oncoming cars to pass through the lights they were reluctant. It was such a surge of relief when we were finally out of there. It was like someone had been holding my head under water and finally let go. Big gulps of air, tension sizzling out and the blurry world settling into vivdness again. My wife asked if I wanted to just go home. Amazingly this was all mostly internal and although she knew something was up I didn't share it with her. I didn't want to go home so we drove about town and into the next town for around 10 miles before finally calling it a day. Not a bit of anxiety for company.
Today I've been having a think. In these situations I've tried accepting, I've tried a feeble dominant response, I even attempted an almost as feeble humorous response, I've tried distraction, I've tried resisting and I've tried the mindfulness approach. None have worked but the mindfulness approach of labeling to disempower has worked in some instances. Labeling while being mindful hasn't brought as much success as I had hoped so I searched for a reason for that- and found it. Like the rest its one of trust, one of belief. I cannot fully place my trust in it despite the logic I see in it so where there is even the slightest doubt it isn't going to work fully. Like my last post it comes back to that belief.
I was thinking about why I cannot fully place my trust in this method. The reason came to me when looking at myself now compared to how I used to be. The situations I described never used to be a problem for me. The reason they were not a problem for me was because I didn't have to think about them. My mind used to be elsewhere- past or future. This is in fact the opposite of mindfulness. Mindfulness is about being in the present moment and staying there but that is exactly where my problems are so that is where I am trying to get away from in those situations. I got by before by not being in the present and in fact many times I have seen signs of improvement, more so last year, because I have been in that state again. Whether it is out walking somewhere thinking about something I watched on TV or standing in a queue listening to a song in my head it was the fact that I was not stuck in the problems of that present moment that made it good. Not worrying where I was in relation to home or my inability to leave where I was felt 'normal'. Those are the times when it feels right and I cannot be touched. So I think that is my problem with mindfulness but annoyingly at the same time it still makes the most sense to me and if I could believe in it I do think it would help me handle those situations. Nothing is ever simple is it?
