Today I made the decision to go back down to the river again but it was a half hearted gesture as I knew in my mind I would never get there. Sometimes you just know. So instead I thought I would go down as far as I could comfortably venture. My plans to put myself in panic are on hold because I forgot the kids are off school until Wednesday which is enough to be getting on with. Off I went down the road.
Sometimes you just know, as I said. Instinctively something did not feel right and I was beginning to get nervy. This was not generated from thoughts of distance though but paranoia. That is nothing new. It can happen when I go somewhere where there are not a lot, or no, people about. As I wandered down the path to the railway bridge there was a dog running about and then a lady owner appeared from under the bridge. This is something I worry about. Me and a woman alone and what she may think or fear. My aim is to blend in with the shadows and definitely not to strike fear into a woman on her own.
She headed off down the woodland path so I stopped where I was and took photos of puddles and reflections. Basically I lingered long enough for her to make her get away without the spectre on the lone figure stalking her. Then slowly I walked down and to the path she had gone along knowing she would be out of sight. That was where I had planned to go if I could not make it down to the river and I now felt so nervy that it was my direction of choice. And why shouldn't I?
So as I turned down the path I found it empty as I expected. I then started taking some photos of the surrounds and path itself. All the while I was listening intently for the sound of a train so I could photograph it on the bridge. Then this dog came running down the path. It stopped a little way from me and started to bark. I tried to ignore it and while I flicked through the images I had taken it edged forward growling which was unsettling. I could feel panic rising and the last thing I wanted was to fend off a rabid dog. Then the lady owner appeared calling it back and after about a minute the two were gone again. I'd had enough, time to go home. These kind of things make me pig sick.
As I walked out the woodland path I saw the nose of a car appear then reverse back at an angle as if doing a three point turn. Its a dead end down at this part so that is what is required. I instinctively knew what it was though. Again I stopped and flicked through my images waiting for it to leave but it didn't. So slowly I walked out to see the window come down and a policeman stick his head out of window. They asked if I was OK, if anyone was down here with me, what I was doing here and then via long silent pauses they encouraged me to explain myself more. Apparently it was OK as long as I wasn't photographing anything I shouldn't be and had I not been on the verge of panic I might have asked exactly what that was.
As they left I walked back home I felt a bit hacked off and despondent. Panic had been replaced by anger. From leaving the house all this had happened in the space of between 10-15 minutes. It was no coincidence. There is no reason for the police to drive down to a dead end which is otherwise usually people free. Someone called them. I don't know whether it was that lady dog walker but doubt it. More likely it was a curtain twitcher. It really does annoy me. My wife said it better not stop me going down there and I can't let it as I have so few routes open to me as it is. But people won't just leave you alone to do your own thing, they always have to interfere. And from following some innocent pursuit you are made to feel like you have committed some criminal act. The agoraphobic life suddenly feels more appealing.
So I've made a decision. For the most part while I go out walking I will keep my camera in my pocket. The more I think about it the more I feel I am becoming more noticeable and that is not something I want. I'll just mainly use the camera if we go a drive somewhere. Were I to see someone regularly up my street I guess I would get suspicious too. Drawing attention to myself defeats the purpose so I'll keep my walks for walking alone and only take the camera out if it is really required rather than for the sake of it. Still though I am pissed off and what limited liberty I have open to me is encroached by faceless interfering idiots.
