In the past few days I've had a bit of a reading frenzy. Nothing specific. A little bit of this and a little bit of that. I have become a bit of a binge reader. I go months without picking up a book and then I am entrenched in words for long spells. Given how things have gone recently I have mostly been looking at things to lift my spirit, give me direction, provide distraction and seeking comfort. One place I always seem to return to Dr Claire Weekes. I guess we all find something that speaks to us more than others and that book I have read cover to cover so many times I have lost count. Today I was reading a bit more and it is very in keeping with my last post but in a much more positive way- I feel. Between 1976 and 1982 Dr Weekes sent out a yearly letter to a group of people to provide encouragement and answer some questions while on their road to recovery using her method. One of the letters I read today seemed very apt to my last post so I thought I would post part of it here and hope it gives anyone who reads it something to think about. It was written 32 years ago yet to me does not seem dated apart from some of the terminology.
October 1978: Clearing away the mists
In a letter recently, a woman wrote, 'Nobody can convince me that I won't go berserk, collapse, if I find myself in a situation I cannot handle and when I am a long way from home. How could I cope if I felt I could not stand another minute of it and there was no way to escape? Perhaps you could elaborate on this in some future article?'
In other words she longs for some cure outside herself which will rid her of her fear. She hasn't accepted yet that riddance must come from her. It would help her if she could see clearly just what would happen if she found herself in such a situation; now she sees it as if through a haze. Two factors are to be considered here. First, how can she stop the intensity of her panic building up and second, if she can't, what will happen then? She must understand that only she encourages her glands to keep secreting the chemicals that increase panic. I'm not talking about that flash, that lightning flash, of first fear that seems to come automatically to a sensitized person in a frightening, or even only slightly frightening, situation; for example, a mere cold blast of wind! No-one, let alone a sensitized person, can immediately control that flash and I would never ask them to. But this first, apparent, automatic flash, comes as one single flash. And always passes. The panic that continues flashing must be added by the sufferer himself to that first flash. And it is so very easy to add panic, when sensitization triggers panic so easily.
Naturally panic that comes so easily bewilders the sufferer and she (here it is a woman) makes the mistake of thinking that it can, of its own accord, grow beyond her control. She does not understand clearly that panic can build up only if she builds it up. By doing as I have taught her so often by taking a deep breath, letting it out slowly, and letting her body slump- whether sitting or standing- and then being willing to let the panic flash, the panic will gradually decrease and there will never be a 'build up'.
So if that woman takes a journey in any vehicle she cannot stop at will, she should start the journey knowing that she will probably panic- fear of it will bring it- but also knowing that if she is prepared to sit and let the panic sweep through her as willingly as she can manage, THE PANIC WILL NOT MOUNT. But she must stay willingly. So many manage to be willing at first, but if panic strikes again too soon after the first flash, they too easily forget willingness and start withdrawing in desperation and fear. Stopping panic mounting is in everyone's hands by not adding FEAR OF PANIC.
I know this sounds simple. It's not simple and I don't underestimate the strength of her panic, but she can do it and so can you.
This I think reflects my last post very well. So much so that if I had read it yesterday I'd have probably just posted this one instead. This part of her letter I think describes perfectly what I was trying to say. I now fully understand this process as she describes it. That though does not mean I am going to cope any better by understanding alone but finally it is clear to me. For the moment anyway because I do have a problem retaining these things, in fact anything, for long.
The most important part here is the first and second fear theory. At first, a couple of years ago, I did not understand it but when the penny finally dropped I couldn't believe how obvious it was. But as much as I understand it I also forget it which is what happens with a tired anxious mind. For example when I panicked last week it was one big panic attack in my eyes which when set in motion I could not have stopped and it was never going to subside unless I got myself out of that situation- so getting out was the only course of action open to me. Not true. Let me explain how I now see that event based on what Dr Weekes preached. I would hazard a guess that anyone who has had a panic attack they can recall could by the same token see this process in play.
- I walked to the river out of my comfort zone. (I put myself in perceived danger)
- I realised that danger- how far I was from home. (First fear)
- That thought scared me. (Second fear)
- I panicked. (The fear of fear cycle)
- I fled. (Avoidance)
By moving out of my comfort zone, step 1, the realisation, step 2, was inevitable. My hope has always been to stop step 2 but it cannot be stopped while it is expected- again that comes back to trying not to think of something which inevitably brings it. My reaction to the thought was the problem, step 3. This is the most important point and what defines the difference between someone with a disorder and someone who has not. The reason being is that everyone goes through steps 1 & 2 whether they have a disorder or not. Its part of life. People without a disorder will be able I am sure to recount at least one incident of steps 1 & 2 recently in their life. Where we differ is in the reaction. Some might add second fear but they do not continue the loop for long and with the person who has a disorder the adrenalin release is more trigger happy given its constant use. In my case the thought scared me so I released adrenalin as the mechanisms of fear kicked in. This created the sensations that I feared and so the cycle continued until I got out of the situation . And the thing to remember here, the thing that has always confused me since it is contrary to what most people say, is that had I stayed there I would have continued to panic. It would not have subsided. Why is that? Because I would have continued to fear the original thought while still there and the sensations that fear was giving me.
If Dr Weekes' theory is true then it does bring comfort- to me at least. And I am inclined to believe her. Everyone will have a different opinion on that but we can only base those judgements on our own experiences which are varied. When I have read of people sticking with panic and seeing it through then I have wondered why I can't do it. I have wondered why most people say it will subside yet my experience says different. But here I can see why. By whatever means these people have managed to break fear cycle when sticking with it by losing the fear of fear. At some point in the cycle the second fear has been lost because they no longer fear the sensations and the original thought. That is important to know. If you stick with it and you continue to fear the sensations then they won't subside. That has been lost on me. In my mind I thought you just had to stick with it whether you feared the symptoms or not and they would eventually go but that is impossible while you still have fear.
In this part of the letter Dr Weekes explains that by stopping second fear you can break the cycle before it has a chance to occur. The letter was too long to post in full but she also goes on to say that it can be broken at any time after by changing that reaction of second fear in the loop. Again second fear is the key. So this is the part I have to look at when I go out. It requires two changes in attitude. The first is easy and that is to expect the inevitable thoughts to come rather than hoping they won't or that I can suppress them. The second change is how I deal with the thoughts when they come. That is the hard part. I will have to firstly try to stop fearing that initial thought but if I do get scared then I will still have to try to lose that fear while contending with the sensations of panic at the same time. Ah not easy at all but I have to look at ways to do that. Maybe the labelling in mindfulness holds a possible answer though that is not really dealing with the thoughts. I'm not sure but I will think of something. Dr Weekes suggested willingness but I am not sure how to do that. More reading perhaps on that subject. I can't see me being very willing and were I to be so it would be an empty gesture. How do you willingly welcome something you have always feared?
