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| Livingstone and the lion |
I actually laughed out loud and my son in the back of the car joined in too. But it wasn't jovial for me as it was for him. "Please don't do this to me again" I muttered under my breath as I passed the slip road I was bound to take and headed on forward into panic. Some bugger up there is having a right good laugh playing games with my nerves I am sure. Laugh on. Yes I am still doing the drives and yes I am still having obstacles thrown in my path and these, if overcome, do me no good at all. Since doing the drives alone I have at times decided to take the kids, like on this night.
I wanted to go to the David Livingstone centre and on Monday night I bundled the boy into the back of the car and drove there at about ten at night. It was closed as expected but I still took a few photographs outside to prove to myself I had been there and felt good about at least making the journey- first time in about three years. With confidence high I then went for the dual carriageway as I'd been doing every night. Never ever fall into the trap of thinking things are going well because panic will scorn you all the more for it.
No roadworks on my slip road still so I went the usual route and was coming upon my designated departure from the dual carriageway when I was met with a road sign stating that it was shut. For crying out loud. What are these buggers trying to do to me. At least as I drove by this time I saw the florescent yellow jacket brigade actually active behind the line of cones but it meant nothing to me as I headed out to uncharted territory once more with no idea how to get back. Panic had me by the feet and thought I was a maraca. No phone and a baby on board- I do these things to myself.
But it didn't last long. The next slip road appeared uite quickly and at least this time the diversion was sign posted. As I started to calm even in these foreign surrounds I knew I was heading home. Not bad at all as it happens after I got over the initial fringht. I even felt calm enough to go all the way to another place before heading back home. The familiarity with my surroundings is making things easier. The people who fix the roads are doing their best to put the frighteners up me but I have to say I am getting better at coping with it because my mind is starting to piece together my locality which a month or so ago was a random unrelated series of images.
Things are starting to make sense now. The big panic I had at the end of 2006 seemed to come out of the blue. I can now look back on it and see why it happened. My wife got out the car and I was left alone in a place I had been only a handful of times and I wasn't quite sure where to go. I was a little lost. Not knowing where to turn caused this fall and its what keeps causing the fall when in the car. Because I have fallen so far lights, noise and barriers bother me now too but at the root continues to be the fear of being lost. Repetitiveness and slowly edging out of my surrounds will conquer that. I need to keep doing these small drives and vary them as much as possible and then it will all come together. When I have done that I can look at the other aspects but at least with some renewed confidence.
Talking of roadworks people I have to be on my guard now having been caught out twice. If they shut the next road then there is one exit until the next big town and today I looked at that via Google and it is a one lane track which I've not even sure is used for driving. So I think instead I will trying to cultivate my confidence a bit closer to home and branch out in a different direction until I am sure those sods have been banished from the land.
