Thought lines

Anxiety is a fear of something to come, panic is a fear in the now. Anxiety is of the future and panic of the present. Really though they are one in the same. They are both fear. The only thing that changes is time or to be more precise time in relation to the cause of fear. That is my case anyway. I don't suffer from anxiety AND panic. They are as I say in my case both the same, They are a state of fear in the now regardless of where the thoughts are and more precisely my inability to cope with that fear.

As an example say I know my parents are coming this Friday- well they are- then as soon as I know background anxiety starts. That is to say I start thinking about it and dreading it. The nearer it gets the more I think about it and the great anxiety intensifies. It hits its peak the moment they arrive and can not get any more intense. It may stay at a level for a bit but must eventually decrease there after. If you were to plot it on a chart then it would be a single wave graph. That is how all my nervous problems happen.

I looked back at my panic attacks and only once could I see when this was not the case and that was my biggy. That was dropping my wife off at the hospital and being hit with a real big panic attack almost straight away. I have never suffered anything as scary since but a few have been very bad.

When I first thought back on it I could see no reason for the panic attack. There was no building anxiety and nothing to fear. At that time too it was not as if I had been a regular sufferer. In fact I only had the one 18 months before that I managed to nip in the bid quickly by running away.

I look closer though and I can maybe see things I could not see before. For example I've never been a confident driver and always had no sense of direction. Although I could see no cause and it was too long ago to remember I have little doubt I would have been uptight and apprehensive that day. It was out of town to a place I didn't know and I do remember worrying that I would get lost on the way home as I tended to do. My wife drove out there and it was only when she left the car and I took over that the panic started. So maybe there was building anxiety there. Most likely there was.

Anyway my point is that I have since that day to looking to stop the wrong thing by definition. My solace has in my head required that I stop the panic attacks when they happen. This is wrong. If I had no anxiety then there would be no panic attack. I know this is not the same for everyone but it is definitely the case with me. So while I have been trying to stop that first fear and the related panic in actual fact I should be trying to stop the anxiety building.

So this Friday to do that I would have to cut out the apprehension and stop worrying about the visit. If I have a health anxiety then from the off I should accept it- unless it is something that really needs checked out. In essence I must come to terms with the inevitability of being. What happens will happen and it will pass. While what will be will be in my case I am master of my own destiny at the moment and making an arse of it. Really I am the only one who can stop the panic because I am the one creating it.

Nice in theory anyway. But I do know its the festering of the thoughts that is the problem. Not dealing with them straight away, not being aware enough to see they need accepted. We will see.