Agoraphobia?

I hate labels but when it comes to reference you need them however ambiguous they may be. For example I have an agoraphobia diary but am I agoraphobic? That is debatable but I use the term because I can think of no other.

Reading the books by Dr Claire Weekes I identified fully. What alarmed me though was that by definition I have over the years basically suffered from a nervous breakdown. That term is something that scares me- well it did previously until I knew what it actually was. The idea of "a breakdown" was one of total loss of control lying on the floor or in a ball crying and screaming before being hauled off to the funny farm. In my mind, and I am sure in the mind of others, it is the complete breakdown of the self and loss of control. In reality it is no more than an exhaustion of the nervous system from overuse. This is though what has happened to me. It is not something I would ever tell anyone though nor even truly admit to myself because of the connotations it involves. Stupid really but I find something pathetic in my state and try to shy away from all things that make me appear weak. Just another label I could do without in my life.

Without doubt labels are powerful and labels can have a powerful hold over you which is why I try to avoid them. When we have conditions then the first thing we want to do is pigeon hole them. We want to know our problem and we want to categorise it so if for any other reason we know what we are dealing with and how maybe to tackle it. What we tend to forget though is that labels are usually very general. In the case of agoraphobia as an example the experiences may vary. Someone may actually be afraid of certain places and some not. More than that though is the severity. Two people may feel a connection because they both have labelled themselves agoraphobics and are sharing the same experience. One though may lead a very normal life and cannot travel out of the country while the other may spend every day in their room unable to leave it. Frequency also plays its part. Someone may still consider themselves agoraphobic because they experience panic every so often while another experiences it almost on a constant basis.

I could easily label myself and have done but I am trying this year to move away from these terms. It could easily be said by however loosely a definition that I am a sufferer of monophobia, social anxiety, agoraphobia, general anxiety, chronic fatigue and panic attacks. That is quite a list and all have been added one after the other. If I was to term myself in this way then I would say it all started with general anxiety which made me chronically fatigued which in turn led to panic attacks and because of these I became agoraphobic through fear of having them outside. I then started to develop social anxiety for fear of having these attacks in front of people but also because of being stuck indoors I was getting little interaction with people. And then came monophobia because being at home with my family was my only safety and when they all went, my wife especially, then I suffered from monophobia.

The reality is quite different. I have one condition and that is a nervous disorder which is to say nervous exhaustion which has led to me fearing the nervousness itself and so the cycle goes. And in this state I have started to find new labels for myself but in actual fact they are false. If I was not nervously disordered then I would not have any of the other labels to give myself. In brief I will explain that for a couple of these labels. Monophobia- the fear of being alone. Am I afraid when alone? No is the answer. I am highly agitated only when my family are so far away that I cannot reach them. If they are away for the day I am fine but if they go abroad for example or somewhere far away for a week then I get anxious. Why this is I am not sure but I think it is to do with the fear of something happening to me and no one around to help and my family, I mean my wife, is the only one who can because of what could loosely be termed social anxiety. In this I mean I have trouble around people and especially large groups. This is not entirely true either. In reality I have problems when people visit my home to see me. When the health visitor comes to see my wife I am completely at ease and the same goes for her friends- as long as it is not for a long time. So it is not a complete fear of people or their perception of me just as I do not really have a fear of being alone.

I'd like to explain all this in terms of agoraphobia. This is a label I gladly picked up and stuck on the front of my shirt. I seemed to fit the definition well so stuck with it. I was, and to some extent still am, stuck in a safe zone. I can only walk so far due before I panic and have to return home. To most that would seem like agoraphobia. But it is not really so I will explain.

Last week I posted my walk to the library. This is the edge of my safe zone. This is as far as I can go. What I will now do is try as honestly as I can from memory to explain my feelings there. At the same time I would also like to compare these to how an agoraphobic would feel- or how I guess they would feel.

Agoraphobia is fear of the market place literally. Standing here I would expect an agoraphobic to have a fear of what lies ahead of them and they would be afraid to venture there. Is it a fear of the place itself? If this was a flat open land instead would that fear still exist? What I would expect is that the agoraphobic in this place where the photo was taken would be perfectly fine if a little pensive. If they were told it was OK to turn around and walk back all would be fine. If they had to venture forward though they would find anxiety building until it led to a panic attack. But standing here they would be fine. Now is that me?

The answer is no. This is where the nervous disorder is key. I am constantly tired and never feel refreshed. I am on edge always and never able to relax. My nerves, my body physically, have become so exhausted over these years that I get no relief. My muscles feel weak and just generally I always feel fragile. I am chronically fatigued. So when I go out the door I am not feeling my best and the more I walk the weaker I get and the more laboured my breathing becomes. I walk on and my home, my safe zone, gets further away. Anxiety builds slowly but if I can loosen up and try not to worry about my breathing I can continue on without ever thinking it will lead to panic.

Outside the Library I am not the same as the agoraphobic. I am not fine but instead very weak and out of puff. I am not standing physically sound with fear of going to that place beyond. I feel shattered and instead am worried whether I can make it home. That is the difference. My worry here is whether I have the energy to walk back home and my fear is that the further I go the harder it will be to get home. When I look forward I have no fear of what is in front of me. Were I to go forward I would not find a building anxiety because of where I was going but instead because of where I was going from. It is not mental, it is physical. Were I here refreshed and in good shape then I could walk on fine without any panic. I have no fear of what is in front but instead only of whether I can make it back home in one piece the further away I walk. And that is the same in all directions I walk from my home.

The fatigue creates anxiety and the anxiety creates fatigue. Its difficult to know what is worse. But there is one difference. If I had the fatigue without the anxiety I still couldn't go much further. If I had the anxiety without the fatigue I could. But as one lends to the other I suppose its a bit of both, but not just agoraphobia as most would perceive it.