A good day, yes. Its what I was thinking to myself earlier on: a good day, yes. Its a measure though of the quality of life when a day is about what it didn't contain rather than what it did contain. Most people will quantify their day by the highlights in it. A good day might contain an array of beautiful, exciting and/or exhilarating moments. Not me. What was so good about this day? Well I can't list a thing because I have no excitement to offer. I was indoors for almost the entirety with the exception of a short jaunt out to reveal myself to the world as I do at least once each day before heading back inside and if it were not for cars on the road I would have thought I was the last man on earth as I did not encounter a single soul.
No as I said my good days are defined by what they do not contain in relation to every other one I can remember in recent memory. I had to get up at nine which is early for me on a Sunday after a late night and a bottle of wine but felt fine, felt actually quite relaxed. Throughout the day stress was minimal despite watching three kids bounce up and down yelling in a room too small for their needs, anxiety was minimal and panic was non-existent. And this is what led me to the conclusion that it was a good day. A normal boring day with no mischiefs, a nice change. A day without troubles and minimal strife. Sad to say but it feels satisfying strangely.
These are the kind of days when I usually feel propelled to launch myself out the door like I have been catapulted and challenge my agoraphobia with a new found resolve but not today. The urge was there but my wife had a long deserved sleep in as she needed it and with the kids in various states of dress I couldn't muster the will power to find clothes, iron them, dress them and by the time we would be ready to go out anyway I'd have lost the will. Besides that the boy at the moment is a nightmare out as he has found that his new favourite word is "no" and darts here, there and everywhere on to roads and throws himself on the ground and just about everything that can increase the temperature on my already simmering blood pressure.
Not a lot going on at the moment apart from me with my head in a book which I think is the reason for the calm today. Whereas normally I would be ripping my hair out at the noise and all else with kids caged in a room looking for stimulation I somehow am finding it washing over me or somewhere afar that can't touch me as I lose myself in another world. Usually when I realised I am stressed its already too late and I cannot find a way to get myself out of it. So the only way is not to get stressed in the first place which I find difficult but at least today I found out it was possible. All good with only one dark cloud on my mind that won't go.
The main thing on my mind is medication. The wife went to see the GP and he called me after she left. No problem for him and he was very nice and informative on the phone. Two sets of pills. One an anti-depressant and one anti-anxiety pill as advised by the CPN. That annoyed me straight off because as much as I appreciated what my wife did she is still listening to the CPN more than she is listening to me. On a side note she one day started to doubt the CPN last week after her sister went on a rant which again annoyed me because its like everyone else's opinion matters except my own. And with the pills I didn't want that. I wanted a pill to take the edge of things when they got too bad to handle. I didn't want something that was going to make me feel worse for a few weeks with the possibility I might feel a little better later. The main one I'd read about before and didn't fancy. Nothing I can do about that as the info is planted. It seems quite successful after the rough ride but I have it in my head now that its a bad one. I've still not taken it but feeling torn again. On one hand its caused a few fights with the wife who thinks my reluctance is down to not wanting to even try to get better and on the other hand I'm thinking that its my body and given that I can't go to hospital and have had reactions to medication in the past I don't want to play Russian Roulette for other people.
I did try the anti-anxiety medication which I seemed to react to too but my anxiety is so bad at times that I cannot tell how much is a reaction to the pill and how much I have created in my own head through apprehensive worry. The GP said it was a short burst which I did feel but rather than making me less anxious it gave me more anxiety. I have since read that it actually takes 2-3 weeks to take effect which wasn't what I was told. Maybe I could persevere with that but I'm not sure I want to be experimenting with two types of medication at the same time so firstly must choose which one to settle for. The problem is that I have also read that this one offsets the other so the GP was quite right to prescribe them together even if I am reluctant to take them as such.
Really I am not sure what to do. A day like today reminds me that I can on my own terms get in a frame of mind that allows me to at least be in a position to take on my anxiety issues. OK I didn't do it today but I found that place where at others times I have, usually child free, pushed the boundaries. And it also reminds me that every time people interfere it has an adverse effect and does me no good at all. I have the stubborn mentality ingrained where if I feel like a puppet on a string I won't dance regardless of who is pulling the strings nor how hard they pull. But I'm also of the mind at the moment that I can't rule it out until I've tried it either so can see my wife's point of view there, just don't like feeling like a guinea pig.
I know my med phobia sounds a bit melodramatic. Really what is the worst that could happen? I don't know. Maybe it comes from the fact I got the anxiety lable 4 years ago and have never had a check up since and everything since then has been attributed to anxiety. Maybe its the warnings about not take the meds if you have
Apart from the medication dilemma and hibernating inside the pages of books still not a lot going on up this end of this little island. Quiet times with little to report. Maybe its better that way. And when I am not here I am back there, former days. Other good days. Like the photo above, circa 2002, where I was equally lost in a book but instead of sitting on the couch in my living room I was on a train from Brussels to Amsterdam- an adventure as I booked everything manually without the aide of a travel agent. No difference inside the mind though. There will be days like that again I am sure and until then I realise its not that important what is going on around about me. Back then I was in my head and its what happens when I am in my head now that equally defines my mood. I think its important when you are troubled to lose yourself if you can and you think it helps. At the same time though you cannot put off what needs to be sorted now one way or the other.
