Where did the time go? Counting up the years I can't believe it's almost a decade since we were trying to make plans. My friends and I were a group core of between 7-10 individuals. Good friends, ones that you never forget. Most years we would go abroad somewhere to the usual resorts. I wanted more than that though and so did a few others so a plan was hatched. We would abandon our life and go travelling in Europe. There we would get by and taste the fruits of foreign lands living life to it's maximum potential.
This dream never died but with time it was turned into reality I had gone. I had a job where I had have to move and without a car I saw less of my friends but still got on well enough with people in my new area through work. Many is the time we'd go for a pub lunch on a Sunday or just a few drinks after work. Good times. Then I met my wife and we planned to marry- which involved another move to an area where I knew no-one.
The wedding was a small affair and not one of my friends came. Why? Becuase they were all in the Southern hemisphere. Finally they'd done it. They were all to a man travelling Australia, Thailand and the like. But they did try sending a telegram that never arrived. Ironic isn't it?
It's a long time since I've seen them and now I don't know if I will ever see them again. Night outs and weddinings have passed which I have been invited to but have always made an excuse not to go to so much so that they no longer ask. It has never bothered me though as time moves on.
Last night though I was sitting with the laptop listening to some music on the headphones and decided to look through old photographs. From anxiety to panic attacks and all the things after I have never felt truly depressed until last night. Images of better times and with the advent of Bebo I have pics of my friends on recent stag weekends with everyone there looking a good bit older than I remember and me absent. It left a very empty feeling inside.
Up until then I'd always had movies in my head of another night out. One I found out about but they were not expected me on a month of Sundays to ever attend. Then I'd come in and everything was back as it was. Not only would that time gap disappear but with this I would find another part of myself that has been lost along the way. But looking through those photographs it finally sunk in that I am never going to feel that way again.
That opened the floodgates of depression. It has dawned on me that i cannot even sit in the company of my parents or brother or sister. I cannot be myself. As cruel as it may sound I do not want to see them because of the anxiety it gives me. While they talk I nod and inside I am just fighting with this beast hoping they will go sometime soon. I realise I am no longer me and it's been so long that I doubt I can ever be me again. Hardest of all though I realise with my children I am begining to feel the same way. Not that I want them away but I find it hard to sit down and read them a book or interact with them because of this constant demon gnawing away at me. Even back in January when I was better it still was not right. Finally there is my wife and truly it's not as it was but if anything it is better with her than anyone else.
So it is no surprise that I woke this morning alone in bed in a very black mood indeed. There are times when this would have consumed me but I won't allow it. For some unknown reason it has had the opposite effect. It's like this unwanted guest has pushed a little too far this time and rather than snapping all that bending has finally sprung back in it's face. Now I feel a real strength within to get better and become "normal" again. I've always wanted it but that little episode appears to have triggered a real surge of power within me that is going to make me do everything in my power to get it back.
I actually feel quite invigorated today as a result. Earlier I went for a walk which was actually physically hard but later tonight I am going for another one as the strength is on me. I really need to get out and I really need to start working with myself to get better. Last night hope seemed to be deserting me but I cannot allow that to happen as without hope there is only the black pit of despair.
At this point in time I have a real dream that I can get back to where I was and that one day soon I will be the man I was. The children will spend more time with me and my wife will finally get taken to a resteraunt again for a much needed destraction. The life of my friends continues and one day they may no longer be absent.
