Forgetting

One of the hardest things to deal with when you have anxiety problems is the range of different ways in which the mind and body are affected. Combine this with a person who is low in confidence as a result and full of self doubt and easily spooked then it can become a living nightmare. Yesterday's big issue is soon swamped with another and another until finally one of the old ones resurfaces and it seems like there is never a minute in the waking day where something adverse is not happening.

Take waking this morning. It was the pinnacle to a lot of recent worry and scared the life out of me. I woke up and for what seemed like a long alarming period of time but was probably only seconds I could not recall anything. Most of all I could not recall where I was. I obviously didn't have clear vision on waking or the bedroom was not familiar. Scary. And I could hear an adult male voice shouting at a crying child outside. I just could not recall where I was. In that moment I knew who I was but not what stage I was at. I couldn't recall that I was married and had kids. It did all come flooding back but that moment was scary. Then of course I am left wondering if it was anxiety or something else.

There have been a lot of similar episodes over the past 6 months. At one point I could not recall whether my sister had 2 or 3 children. The other week I asked my wife if her brother-in-law's mum was still ill and with a shocked look she told me she had died at the start of the year. Who wouldn't find that scary and worrying?

So then I ask myself if there is there a reason for it. Could it be explained in some other way? Well I suppose so. In these previous instances I have mentioned the fact I am so cut off from the world could explain it. I never see anyone. I am out of the loop so maybe then it is harder to retain facts I have maybe been told. When you are not around these people their lives do not leave the same imprint it does when you are around them. There have been a few instances like this and I guess what I worry about most is that they are all recent. Or are they? I have said many times I have a bad memory.  

Even the episode this morning could be explained. This is the first time this has happened. One thing I have to remember though is that I was probably woken from sleep by a foreign voice. Being woken from a deep sleep would tend to do that to you and if it was an incident on its own then I probably would not worry. That is though a likely explanation. I think also though its the connections. I think back to the episodes of fleeting images from my past and that was followed by horrible moments of deja vu leading to this.

Then again maybe its all just anxiety. I just don't know.

The last thing I want to do is scare anyone reading this who also has anxiety problems. It is one of the many known possible symptoms of anxiety and panic. So I had a look back through notes I keep and at the end of 2012 I wrote about the same fears after forgetting my parents had been to Las Vegas and a few other things. A further search revealed in 2011 I had the same fears again forgetting things that had happened recently to that date. Very strangely both these notes were taken on my last 2 birthdays. Now that says something. As I say I am cut off from the world and then on birthdays people come and I am out of touch so its all a bit unreal and hard to grasp. Its from being cut off and being introspective. And on the subject about forgetting about the death although I have no note on that I seem to recall that I was not told about it at the time and only found out much later so that is maybe why I did not retain it. Anyway I just wanted to end by saying as worrying as it can be it can be attributed to anxiety/panic and even if you are free of those it does still happen when then mind is overactive and/or you are a very introspective person.