Its the second week of going for drives after a 2 month absence due to the weather of late and the conditions of the roads- some big holes in the road now, lots of craters needing filled. As such it wasn't easy to get back out again. My wife beckoned me out of my shell for a couple of days with me refusing before I finally relented late last week. Still can't get this stupid thought about breaking down out of my head.
So today we went out again at midday with me as always leading the way out taking the boy by the hand and my wife following behind. This time with a black bin bag. What's that for? The tip, was the reply. No chance to argue. I hate stopping but said nothing. When we got to the tip I tensed up when we stopped as expected. Well then get the bag chucked, she said. And why not? It took less than a minute and because I didn't get that imagine of the map in my head of "You are here" and "you live there" and the chasm in between I didn't panic.
Next we were at a small shop where without warning she stopped and said she had seen some things for the boys birthday so was popping in to get them. No more than 5 minutes it took. Mentally I was batting away every black thought that came flying my way and battering it far but not far enough that it disappeared but instead slowed, turned and came right back. Soon enough though we were on our way...
...to another shop. This time for a couple of things she needed to get for supper. Again no warning, no doubt she remembers what I said about my problem with apprehension. As I got my mental bat out she told me there was a bottle of water in the boot and the squooshers needed topping up. So I did that which passed the time. Then she was back as I was putting the bonnet back down and she headed for the passenger window with a request I drove us back home. I did.
But there is, for me at least, a problem with commitment. I decided to drive, or agreed to. As soon as I started off I started to get highly anxious at the thought of driving. No turning back. I'd stepped over the line and had to see it through and that thought was eating at me. Last year I drove 6 times and all under a mile. We were out of town, not far out of town. The last of those drives was in September with 4 of the 6 being in the first 3 months of the year. I wanted to stop and change seats but I had to keep going. I didn't really take much in. The signs flew by unnoticed and my wife kept having to tell me to drop the speed. And pretty soon I ended up behind this stupid spreading vehicle moving at 5 mph across the entrance to a quarry works or some sort of thing spreaying water on the ground to remove the building dirt from trucks and lorries going in and out. That is when I started to panic. Time was moving too slowly. In the opposite direction I could see nothing coming because it was on a bend and the traffic was starting to queue up behind me. Three minutes seemed like three hours and I just about kept a lid on it before I was off again. Plain sailing thereafter.
I needed that today. I need more of it. It even effected my walks later when I walked further than I have for over 3 months. And this was after a terrible morning like many I have had of late which have become the habit born of a cold winter stuck indoors. It doesn't turn all that around but it brings some temporary relief which maybe in many doses might, should, have a better long term effect. Certainly better than it has been and it was good to see my wife look so happy again. Though I didn't bow to every wish. When I noticed her heading for another town I got her to pull out of it. Not yet, but soon. In the scheme of things its not much but relatively for me its a step in the right direction.
