Calderglen

Years ago when my oldest daughter was a two or three, she is now ten, we went to Calderglen Country Park. It was a really great day out. Lots to do and see but the most alluring thing for me were the animals. Meerkats outside and in the hothouse monkeys. Its a place I've always wanted to return and as the theme has been these past couple of months I returned there- on Wednesday. It was though just a short visit as we were pushed for time before going to get the kids from school so there was very little point in paying to go in to see the animals- last time I was there it was free. Getting though there was a big thing. As you can no doubt tell from the splodges in the image above it was raining.

Not all good though. Really struggling today with panic which led to a rather scary episode. It stemmed from its only scary episode which is not unfamiliar and that is the dreaded abstract mental panic episodes which I have blogged about a couple of times in the past year or so. Very unsettling. I had one of those in the morning with those weirdly familiar yet nonsensical images, slowed down music I know but cannot put my finger on, sense of deja vu, feeling of impending doom, cold sweats and basically terror. At the time its scary and its only after I see it for what it is. Just another form of panic. The fight or flight response kicks in and sets the mind on high alert which in turn sets the mind racing and suddenly you can feel overwhelmed. Lots of things fly through the mind and its easy to get caught up internalising in all this temporary madness. Its all explainable and all part of a process intended to help. Its also over quickly- about the amount of time it takes for adrenaline to ebb away.

I always analyse these and I see the pattern. I see why it happens. It always starts with a feeling of deja vu then kicks off from there. Its always a very simple cause. This morning it was going into the kitchen and finding one of the cats drinking from a glass of water that was in the sink- later my wife told me she had let the cat drink from her glass in the morning so it had obviously ventured to the sink later in search of more. So that is a rare occurrence. No, actually I think its the first time. Not sure. What it was like though was the other cat drinking out of dripping water in the bath a few years back. Whatever it doesn't really matter. Its something vaguely familiar but rare. That brings on the sense of deja vu. I think this comes stronger with me because my life for so long has been in the same surroundings so there is very little that it is like that. When it occurs then it feels strange because really 99.9% of my day is the same. So it brings deja vu and because its something new also a sense of dread. Panic. The mind of course looks for signs of danger. It doesn't look outward because the source is not outward, it internalises. It goes raking through the banks of memories. Vague memories and dreams looking for a match and this is what I see in my head. I see this abstract collection of familiar things. More panic.

So I had one of these and this left me anxious  for the rest of the day. On the drive to the country park I started to go into proper panic which was expected because I was filled with adrenaline from the morning on top of going somewhere new. It was a real fight to keep it at bay and although I did I was actually glad in the end the visit was short. We then went to the school and picked up the kids and not long after I was home a second episode of mental panic. This one not from deja vu but instead from anticipatory anxiety. The reason for this is that the last few times I have had this it has happened twice in one day. So now I expect it and that expectation leads to it just the same as what happens with normal panic. More cycles. With another dose plus the normal panic in between I was in all honesty a wreck. Both mentally and physically shattered and then something else happened. Something new.

My wife had asked me if I could drop the boy off at his football but I had to refuse as I was in such a state and so she did on the way to picking up the oldest girl from a club. I was little with the youngest girl to take out at half four- an hour later. At some point I just freaked out. I felt I could not remember a thing. Short term memory loss. I got really scared and had to phone the wife. I cannot remember the last time I felt that scared. I honestly thought something had gone wrong in my head. It knocked me for six and to be honest only two days later to I feel its all passed which is the reason for posting this now. But I did not include this to scare people. The reason I post it is so that hopefully if someone in my position experiences the same thing I can in some way put their worries at rest. What happened was in fact a full blown panic attack. The reason I could not remember anything was because I was so caught up in worry over the two mental panic attacks and totally internalising so not entirely aware of what was going on around about me. Seeing without taking in. I was aware of my wife going but only aware as I was too caught up in my own  head and only when I suddenly snapped out of that did freak out- a bit like waking suddenly from a nightmare in bed. Even the lack of memory is not true. Shortly after this episode which again lasted about 20 minutes, and its no coincidence that is usually how long the peak of panic lasts too, I realised I had not forgotten everything. I knew where my wife was, how to get a hold of her, that I had to take my daughter out, where I had to take her and what time I had to take her. But all this was buried at the time beneath the worry I was consumed in. I was, much like my wife leaving, aware of it but not able to focus on it. As freaked out as I was at the time I now see it for what it was- just panic. And given all that had gone on that day its very little surprise it all spilled over in that way. Now I am fine and now I am sure it won't happen again- at least not to that degree. All that from a cat drinking water from a glass.

It makes me wonder if its all just a build up too of getting out more. Its not easy and so the adrenaline is always filling up slowly in my body. With that latter episode in particular I cannot help feeling that the panic had to come out eventually after holding it at bay for so long. I also think holding it at bay is definitely not the answer. It needs flushed out if you will and since that flushing I have much better. Not a new theory but a conclusion I actually came to 3 years ago after a full blown panic attack left me feeling virtually panic free for a short spell after. Its very much a balancing act between pushing yourself and not pushing too much. In that respect time has to be removed as a factor. One of my biggest faults is trying to speed up the process which always ends in regret. Maybe of late I have been doing too much too soon. Maybe I should be going at a slower pace. Its difficult though when you feel you are making some progress to not want to push on. Enough of all that though.

It was strange being back at the country park. Strange because most places I have returned to have not brought familarity. Here it did. Memories came flooding back. There is a children's play park and even without seeing in it I asked my wife if there was a big wooden train there which she confirmed. I saw the big rope climbing frame I remember from the last time I was here. Then other things like an open square where the visitor's centre is and I remembered sitting on a wall with my daughter eating ice cream on a hot day. These are things I had forgotten about. All I remembered from there before going were the animals which we never saw on Wednesday. We will go back though, maybe with the kids, and have a proper look around. It was good getting back out there again.